[Natashasidden]

Hi!
I am writing here to see if anyone has dealt with a similar issues before. I met the greatest guy I’ve ever dated 6 months ago (I’m 30 he is 34) and we’ve had such a great relationship (even long distance) but 2 ish months ago in early March he started to get tense about sex. I felt rejected and brought it up, and he admitted he was struggling as this was his first intimate relationship and first time being in love. He told me he will figure it out, then about 3 weeks ago it still felt like he was avoiding me so I broke down crying and he told me he went back to therapy and realized he’s always had sexual desire from “the chase” and didn’t know how to access it in a relationship where he was in love. It broke my heart and he got defensive but asked for patience. Now it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t tried to have sex but is always touching and slapping my ***. I’ve told him it’s important to me to have intimacy in a relationship. I’m looking for advice on anyone that’s been through this, I want to be patient and supportive but I feel scared he won’t be able to ever want to have sex with me. Thank you! Xx

[jns]

Hi!
I am writing here to see if anyone has dealt with a similar issues before. I met the greatest guy I’ve ever dated 6 months ago (I’m 30 he is 34) and we’ve had such a great relationship (even long distance) but 2 ish months ago in early March he started to get tense about sex. I felt rejected and brought it up, and he admitted he was struggling as this was his first intimate relationship and first time being in love. He told me he will figure it out, then about 3 weeks ago it still felt like he was avoiding me so I broke down crying and he told me he went back to therapy and realized he’s always had sexual desire from “the chase” and didn’t know how to access it in a relationship where he was in love. It broke my heart and he got defensive but asked for patience. Now it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t tried to have sex but is always touching and slapping my ***. I’ve told him it’s important to me to have intimacy in a relationship. I’m looking for advice on anyone that’s been through this, I want to be patient and supportive but I feel scared he won’t be able to ever want to have sex with me. Thank you! Xx

Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. Let me see if I understand correctly. For the first few months there were no problems with him being intimate with you and later he started getting tense and that impacted his performance. Did this all of a sudden happen or was it gradual? Sometimes a mental block can be created after one or several loss of erection events. Have you tried just having intimate fun together without any attempt at intercourse? Does he find you extremely attractive? I ask this question because of my experience with a girlfriend that I viewed as extremely attractive and that ended up in causing loss of erection problems. It was a psychological problem that I later overcame.

[Natashasidden]

Hi! It was kinda gradual where it felt like he was still trying to have sex but yeah couldn’t keep an erection and then finally once he opened up to me about going back to therapy it just stopped. He says he is very attracted to me and is always grabbing me and my ***.

[jns]

Hi! It was kinda gradual where it felt like he was still trying to have sex but yeah couldn’t keep an erection and then finally once he opened up to me about going back to therapy it just stopped. He says he is very attracted to me and is always grabbing me and my ***.

I found that I was trying too hard or worrying too much about being perfect. Mentally the way forward was to clear my head of all thoughts and be completely in the moment. Easier said than done but it can be done. Physically he could engage in intercourse for a short period of time and then go back to other forms of stimulation before he completely loses an erection. Do this a number of times and he should be able to go to climax and ejaculation. Continuing too long the first time leads to overstimulation and loss of sensation. At least, that is what was what happened to me. If you can bring him to climax with oral sex, you could always stop just short and hurriedly change to intercourse. Once he retrains his body to respond all the way to climax, he will have a formula to do it again and again. The mental block will disappear. Best wishes.

[Natashasidden]

He is telling me that he hasn’t had to be sexual in love before though and that’s why this is happening - it’s his ”first time” (love lust split). And he wants patience from me, even though I told him I need intimacy in a relationship. I would ofc be open to any kind of sex he wanted not even intercourse but he’s completely avoiding it.

[atskitty2]

Hello! Welcome to WHI!

I'm trying to make sure we have the full story here and understand exactly what's going on, so I'll ask a few questions to clarify. He said this is his "first intimate relationship and first time being in love". So, was he a virgin prior to meeting you? Has he had sexual encounters previously, but not intercourse? If he has, were those encounters a casual thing, and not with a girlfriend?

What is he in therapy for?

What is his cultural and religious background?

I think to offer the best help, we need some of this background information.

[Natashasidden]

Hello! No he was not a virgin. Quite the opposite. He had a lot of sexual encounters and told me he never really enjoyed sex before because it was always performance based and something he “had to do” to be masculine. Hes never really had a long term girlfriend, all causal. He is not religious, grew up with a good family and is close with them. He went back to therapy for this issue of not feeling sexual towards me once it became more serious

[atskitty2]

So, 2 things come to mind here: He has a difficult time joining the lusty, sexual expression with someone he genuinely cares about, as opposed to a purely physical encounter w/no feelings involved. Maybe it's actual intimacy he's struggling with, not necessarily the physical act?

Or, maybe he actually isn't physically attracted to you. He may feel a connection, just not a physical attraction, even tho he says he does. It could be he doesn't even quite realize the difference.

[Natashasidden]

He says he is physically attracted to me he’s just rewiring and his libido is temporarily gone

[Wednesday L.F.]

It could even be that he’s asexual but so hung up on expectations that he was having sex without considering if he really wanted to—just because it was expected.

As much as you want to, this may not be something you can help him solve.