[Sunrise1111]

Sorry this is mostly just going to be me venting because I want somewhere to talk about this stuff but wasn't sure where else would be appropriate. I'm 23 and have never dated or had any kind of romantic/sexual relationship with anyone, I've never kissed anyone or anything. I never really felt like I was missing out until I came out as bi and realized I could date women--I'm open to dating men and I know I could have a fulfilling relationship with a man if that ends up being what happens but I don't really feel motivated to like go out and find a boyfriend and experience romance with a guy in the way that I do with women and nonbinary people. It's something I fantasize about a lot and is one of the things in life that means a lot to me. But I've also realized that women and nonbinary people are (completely justifiably and for good reason) typically more picky than guys at least when it comes to dating apps and a lot of people don't seem very interested in keeping a conversation going or actually meeting up and stuff which is fine but it feels like it the makes already small dating pool feel even smaller and it makes me worry that I'll never be able to experience romance in the way that I want, especially since recently I've been dealing with some issues relating to sexual health. I feel like the odds of finding someone of the genders I prefer who is really genuinely interested in me and who I'm also interested in seem so low that I need to somehow become the most attractive and/or interesting/charismatic person ever in order for that to happen which just doesn't feel possible. I know that dating apps aren't a great way to meet people but I've never gotten even the slightest sense that another girl had a crush on me/was interested in me and I simply do not have the confidence to make the first move without the sense that my interest might possibly be reciprocated. Maybe in many years I'll have built up enough confidence to approach a random woman and hit on her but I can barely start normal conversations in order to make friends as it is because I'm very socially anxious so I think that will take a very long time and I hope I won't have to wait that long to experience any kind of romance or intimacy.

On top of all this I've been struggling with recurring BV (bacterial vaginosis) infections that seem to keep coming back and while recently some things seem to have really been helping (mainly probiotic suppositories) it seems like it might be a while before I can fully stop worrying about weird odors cropping up or potentially spreading the problem to someone else if I were to have sex. Plus I'm also totally sexually inexperienced and then just the other day I got what I think might be a cold sore and I had a similar thing like a month ago so I had it swabbed to see if it's HSV-1 and I'm terrified that if the results are positive that will be another obstacle I have to deal with where even if I do manage to find someone who is genuinely really interested in me I will have to tell them that I'm sexually inexperienced and sometimes have vaginal issues that are gross-smelling and potentially spread-able and also I might spread herpes to them if we so much as kiss (even if I were to take antivirals and not have an outbreak there is always a risk of contagion it sounds like) and I worry that for both of these issues queer women would (understandably) be more likely to reject me for them than men, especially since they'd be more likely to also have a vagina that I could spread bv to (ik men can get it too but it wouldn't affect them as much) and since oral sex seems to play a larger role in queer dating. I feel like the only reason people wouldn't reject me for those things would be if they already had feelings for me or were very attracted to me but it feels hard to believe that could ever happen. I don't know, I just feel so sad and miserable about it and I worry that I'll never be able to experience love in the way that I want to.

[JonnyR]

Hello Sunrise1111, Welcome to the forums! And thank you for your honesty and venting -- you've come to the right place for that LOL.

There are quite a few things going on here.

What I will say first off, is that because your experience dating is so new, I would not pressure yourself into fitting into any specific dynamic.

You mentioned being "bi" but it actually sounds like you are not bisexual, but more so identify attraction-wise towards the same sex?

I would start there -- ease up on trying to fit into any corner, and instead explore whatever feels right to you.

Right now you are trying dating apps, and they have their tradeoffs for sure, but I bet over time, you'll meet up with and find some matches to explore that side of you.

At the same time, if you were open to men's advances, putting yourself in places where it would be ok to explore those feelings safely is also recommended -- what about concerts, festivals, book clubs, or other safe environments where you could just naturally run into men and women, and just see how it all feels?

Meetup groups or other activity groups in your local area are perfect for this.

- As for your second potential issue, I would FIRST wait to get a diagnosis before freaking out. No sense worrying aout anything until there's reason to.

AS for the BV stuff, again, it sounds like you're doing stuff to remedy the situation with diet, probiotics, and other mechanisms, so over time, hopefully that resolves.

When you finally do meet someone and become intimate with them, if you're still feeling self-conscious or there are issues that you feel you should share with that person, as long as you are honest and forthright, most people are going to be completely fine and you guys can work around any potential issues as they arise.

You'd be surprised - most people have SOMETHING they are also self-conscious or worried about, and once you both come clean, the intimacy would ratchet higher anyway, and you might find yourself having some really wild and incredible encounters as a result!

Nothing is sexier than honesty and vulnerability!

[atskitty2]

Welcome! So glad you joined us here and chose to share some of your story!

You're 23, so, you're really early in this process of figuring out your sexuality and some of these intimate feelings. So, my first thought is to encourage you to have patience with yourself, don't rush anything and just get familiar with what it is that you are drawn to, what it is that interests you and the things you like in another person. Getting to know yourself better is the key, and unfortunately sometimes, the hardest part.

Socially, it's rough. Meeting people, finding a groove and putting yourself out there is so hard. If you're a little socially awkward, it's ok. If you say something out of place, silly or whatever, it's ok. That's all part of learning and getting into that place where you can find your people. Just keep at it. Whatever your interests are, insert yourself into that world and, again, be patient. If you're into music, find the facebook group, meetup group, or discord that has people sharing that interest. If it's art, go to the museums and volunteer, or get a membership and go frequently. If you have a dog, there are tons of dog-walking hiking groups online.

You'll find your way.

As far as your health concerns, follow the instructions of your physician, and things will eventually get worked out. BV can be tough to fix, but again, patience and attention to your body to get that balanced and you'll be back to health. When you learn the test results for HSV, your provider will share all the options for treatment and preventing spread.

[Alison H.]

A lot of people (queer, straight, or otherwise) struggle with late starts in dating, anxiety around confidence, and health issues that can make intimacy feel complicated. It’s valid to feel frustrated and discouraged, but it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to miss out on the love and connection you want.

A couple of things stood out to me:

Dating apps aren’t the full picture. They can feel like rejection machines, especially for queer folks since the pool is smaller and people swipe casually. But they’re not the only way to meet people. Sometimes finding community spaces, whether queer-centered hobbies, local LGBTQ+ events, or even online friendships that can spill into real life can take pressure off “dating” and instead focus on connection first.

BV and HSV-1 are so much more common than people talk about. (Although really, wait for the diagnosis because it very well may not be HSV; try not to worry until you know for sure). Anyone worth building intimacy with will see those things as part of the normal realities of dating, not as dealbreakers. And being upfront about them if you need to, when the time comes, can actually deepen trust.

You don’t need to be the “most charismatic” person. Attraction isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being real and finding someone who clicks with you. Small steps (like practicing casual conversations, or even dipping into community spaces just to listen and observe) can help build confidence over time.

At 23, even though it feels late compared to some peers, you are so early in the bigger picture. Plenty of people don’t date until later in their 20s, 30s, or beyond and still experience deep, lasting love.

You don’t need to have all the answers or all the “fixes” right now. It’s okay to take this one step at a time: focusing on your health, building confidence in small ways, and letting yourself be open to opportunities for connection without the pressure that it has to lead to romance immediately.

You’re not broken, and you’re not unlovable. The right person (or people) won’t see these things as reasons to walk away; they’ll see them as part of what makes you human.