[Acesup]

This sounds like a stupid question from a guy like me. But my wife tells me I have an anxiety problem and make too big deal a deal out of things like this so I'm trying to reality check my thoughts a little bit.

Satisfying my partner sexually, especially giving her orgasms, has always been extremely important to me since I started having sex at age 14 (with my older sister's 18 year old chemistry lab partner but that's another story). But I have always been wired to need to feel my partners arousal and pleasure and I've always craved her orgasm and have trouble finding sex satisfying for myself if its not for her. So I guess in that regard you can say I have a female orgasm fetish, or kink, or whatever. Just how I've always been wired.

But my wife just doesn't seem to care if she gets off. She is capable of it. She does sometimes or at least she says she does sometimes and I don't think she is faking just because one her reactions seems very natural and not over the top porn acting but more primal physical reactions and two she also tells me when she doesn't cum and by her self reporting she orgasms about 25-30 percent of the time we have sex, usually just singles but a few times she has said she had multiples and I would think if she was faking it to not hurt my feelings she would fake it more often and not tell me as often when doesn't cum.

But its almost like accidental or something she doesn't care about or want. She actually says she doesn't want to get off multiple times that sounds awful to her not really sure why. And she has some many limits and boundaries like she won't let me go down on her never has and won't let me do any kind of foreplay just wants to go right to intercourse and penetration with zero warmup. So I probably could give her more orgasms if she let me do what I know how to do but she won't and she doesn't seem to care. She says thats all she likes and if she gets off she gets off but she says she is satisfied even when she tells me she doesn't. She honestly seems to get more of a kick out of feeling me reach a point where I am struggling to not orgasm because I'm trying to hold out till she cums and its like she takes it as a challenge to get me off. And so far she is undefeated when I'm trying to hold out and she tries to pull it out of me. I can't resist her.

But I find myself anxious and worrying and sometimes humiliated when I don't make her orgasm and I end up pushing to do it again as soon as possible so I can get another chance to redeem myself and she doesn't go all week with that being her last impression of me in bed, me leaving her hanging. And that leads me to sometimes come off as pressuring her for sex which I know is not good and that's not my intention to make her feel pressured. I just don't want her to feel bored or unsatisfied with our sex life or start to look at me as the nice guy she settled on but be laughing at me behind my back with her friends about how the sex isn't good and she hardly ever orgasms. The idea that she liked having sex with the guys she was with before me better than with me and I'm just the guy she settled with to have kids is not something I can live with. I don't want to be just her safe choice I want to be everything she could want and need in a man in every way.

And I worry she will get bored of our sex life which I have felt happening from her as she has become perimenopausal and I worry she might cheat on me someday if she is bored and unsatisfied with our sex life.

I admit I have an anxiety problem but just because you have anxiety doesn't mean there aren't real dangers. So am I being crazy and is this my stupid anxiety talking or am I right to be worried. Can she really be happy and satisfied with our sex life if I only get her to orgasm like a quarter to a third of the time or is her not caring about whether she cums with me a sign she isn't interested in sex with me at all and just doing it for me. Either way I feel like an idiot but I'd rather be an idiot for worrying too much about something that isn't a problem.

[JonnyR]

I have been with women who could not reach orgasm, or had never had an orgasm or rarely had an orgasm.

While I used to put pressure on myself to try and be the hero that makes them cum, as I got older, I realized that it was not necessary, but undue stress or burden on the relationship, me and the situation, and that oftentimes they still greatly enjoyed having sex, even if they never came at all.

So, I think that despite all the other stuff possibly going on underneath, there might be a real possibility that she does still enjoy sex despite not having regular orgasms (it still feels good after all!), and that is't always the true end game for many women.

Once you can be in the moment and let the "result" go, you'll be fully supportive and present, and have a much better connection.

[Acesup]

Thanks. I know it sounds like a ridiculous thing to stress or have anxiety about so much but that is just how I have always been wired that fully satisfying my partner has always been so important to me that I can't be satisfied if she isn't satisfied and I go primal when my partner gets off. There probably is a term for that being somebody's fetish, there's a term for everything now but its literally I get off on getting her off. How I've always been. It was a great problem to have up until my wife started checking out sexually because of her peri and other issues she refuses to do anything to address or mitigate.

Its frustrating for me because we had incredible sexual chemistry in the past for years and years even with all her boundaries and inhibitions and I know she did have lots of orgasms, actually told her she hardly ever did with guys before me which was probably a lie for my ego but hey I'll take it. And I know she still does sometimes and it is just an incredible experience for me when she does like an out of body experience for me. So to know how incredible it can be and to be so close but so often frustrated and to know that I am leaving her hanging so often makes me feel embarrassed and gives me anxiety and makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide or try again as quickly as possible cause I don't want her associating sex with me and being bored or unfulfilled.

She has told me she doesn't always get off but is still happy with it and the fact that she tells me so often when she doesn't while its hard to hear at least gives me some confidence then when she tells me she does its real and not fake. I try to do things to get her more in the mood, make it fun for her but its like she takes all forms of foreplay as expecting her to perform. I asked her to wear this shawl I bought her that she loves and nothing else, not because I need her to wear anything I love her body naked no makeup no effort, just to try to spice it up and make it fun for her anything to get her turned on more so I have more of a fighting chance and she got angry that I was expecting her to perform and said she just wants to do it with no foreplay get right to it and get it over with cause she's tired. The the funny thing is of course about halfway in she gets into it and forgets she hates sex and starts telling me to go slow cause she's enjoying it and she wasn't in a rush to get it over with anymore. So as much as my head is our biggest enemy obsessing about her orgasms, her head is our biggest enemy too getting in her own way telling herself she doesn't like sex and is just doing it for me where when she gets going she's doing it for her too. If she would just remember that and make more effort to get into it and be into it I bet I would be able to make her cum more often.

[JonnyR]

Acesup, that actually sounds like some progress for both of you! I've often heard women say that they can FAKE an orgasm, and by doing so, get turned on and have a real one.

Almost as if the performative nature of it becomes erotic for them and elicits the real thing.

So, maybe for her, she's 100% telling the truth -- she's tired, she's not that into it (and not necessarily because of you), and realizes she wants to make you happy, so she is willing to have sex.

Then, as it's happening, she warms up, it feels good, she relaxes, she forgets about her day/stress/tiredness and things warm up and juices start flowing -- that can also be true.

I think it's something you can work with/towards/on -- use that sliver of opening to just ease into things.

I can't tell you the number of times I've been with women where, for whatever reason (they were stressed, tired, angry, PMS, etc), sex was just off the table -- and I went into our time spent together with NO expectations at all.

And then, over the course of the evening together, things would just naturally warm up, and before I knew it, most of the time, they'd be coming on to ME even though they'd explicitly said they didn't want to have sex that night for a myriad of reasons, or I sensed they weren't that into it.

So, the bottom line is, if you just take your time, make sure you're listening, being present, caring, warm, and having fun/being funny, and just going with the flow -- things usually just naturally start falling into place.

When you guys are done with a session that started like that, how does the conversation usually go?