[what2do]

I admire your rational attempt to solve this problem.

I believe she needs professional help. Her attitude towards sex is not normal or healthy.

I suggest you suggest some "couple thearpy"which could then lead gently to her seeing a professional to help her deal with her issues.

And yes it can be a deal breaker. I'm in the process of divorcing my wife of 10 years for partially the same reason you have described. She refused to ever accept she had any issues with respect to our sexual relationship. I lost 10 years of my life. Well, not "lost" but at least not "enjoyed fully" and I'm now in my early 60's. That's right, I "lost" my
50's. And you don't get them back.

Try seeking professional help. You alone cannot help her with her issues, no matter how hard you try, and you seem like a pretty cool person.

Thanks for the words...I really am a great guy and patient. I have offered all the support I can and still do show it. As long as she is trying I guess thats all I can ask for out of her. I will offer her to use my workplace counseling and see how that goes. Right now I am cooling things sexually for a bit and see how it goes.
I thought women wanted men to communicate???

[Sassy-snape]

Some women are just bad in bed??? WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

IF you have bad sex it means you are not right for each other because you dont have the connection to make it right and tell each other how you would like it etc.

plus i was abused in my past and every boyfriend i had i couldnt touch sexually, i dunno why, i couldnt pleasure him or even touch him but i loved sex. and i hated on top???

now my new boyfriend who i been with over 4 monthes we are like rabbits and i love to pleasure him and grope him, and we talk about sex openly with each other, but thats because we have not only a spark with each other but an out of control fire.

and have you ever thought what a contraceptive pill does to a woman? The first pill i went on i was constantly in agonising period pain, constantly bleeding, constantly moody, up and down like a yoyo, majorly depressed where i was crying all the time and i felt suicidal!

dont be so selfish, its horrible, i cant blame her for not wanting to. im on a great pill now but the heartache it took to get here! for the love of god!

it is all about connection and try talking about sex with her and no talking dirty stuff and certainly no anal as it gives the feeling of being invaded and disrepected!
ask her what she likes and what feels nice to her

[Guest]

The short story is I am 31 and she is 26. She wants to be a "good girl" in everything she does. I know she loves affection more than sex, she has told me this but she also told me she still enjoys sex. Everything else is fine in the relationship but this really bothers me. To the point it will be a dealbreaker if it doesn't shape up.
Sex has only been missionary. Me, oral to her. None for me even though she says it is not her favorite thing to do she has done it. What am I to feel? I have made some strides in the bedroom though, I got her to talk a little dirty, so it is moving at a snails pace.
Its been 2 months. how long before I know this is a permanent thing and not something she is willing to work at?
I have never been this frustrated over this ever. How do approach now?

if it isn't great now chances are it never will be at least sexually with her. she will either really be into sex or not. personally i would move on. sex is very important in a healthy relationship, and if this is already a problem for you. i would start looking for someone else that is more compatible with yourself....

[what2do]

Some women are just bad in bed??? WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

IF you have bad sex it means you are not right for each other because you dont have the connection to make it right and tell each other how you would like it etc.

plus i was abused in my past and every boyfriend i had i couldnt touch sexually, i dunno why, i couldnt pleasure him or even touch him but i loved sex. and i hated on top???

now my new boyfriend who i been with over 4 monthes we are like rabbits and i love to pleasure him and grope him, and we talk about sex openly with each other, but thats because we have not only a spark with each other but an out of control fire.

and have you ever thought what a contraceptive pill does to a woman? The first pill i went on i was constantly in agonising period pain, constantly bleeding, constantly moody, up and down like a yoyo, majorly depressed where i was crying all the time and i felt suicidal!

dont be so selfish, its horrible, i cant blame her for not wanting to. im on a great pill now but the heartache it took to get here! for the love of god!

it is all about connection and try talking about sex with her and no talking dirty stuff and certainly no anal as it gives the feeling of being invaded and disrepected!
ask her what she likes and what feels nice to her

All I have to say is WOW!!! :rolls eyes:

1. I do know what BC does. I already talked to her about it
2. Everyone has to give and take in a relationship. Being a bit selfish is all part of it and knowing what I want is a great thing.
3. Connection: we are very touchy feely and would probably have more sex if the timing was better in both our schedules. The question is the quality here.

I think #3 just answered my own question after thinking back. Wish me luck, and thanks for the positive feedback.
4.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I admire your rational attempt to solve this problem.

I believe she needs professional help. Her attitude towards sex is not normal or healthy.

I suggest you suggest some "couple thearpy"which could then lead gently to her seeing a professional to help her deal with her issues.

And yes it can be a deal breaker. I'm in the process of divorcing my wife of 10 years for partially the same reason you have described. She refused to ever accept she had any issues with respect to our sexual relationship. I lost 10 years of my life. Well, not "lost" but at least not "enjoyed fully" and I'm now in my early 60's. That's right, I "lost" my
50's. And you don't get them back.

Try seeking professional help. You alone cannot help her with her issues, no matter how hard you try, and you seem like a pretty cool person.

Hey Owlhunter i understand the "wasted years" Mine was 7 and I was in my late 30's, early 40's still am pends on what mood i am in.

But, more than sexually in my case, but that certainly was a no goer, and so, we can both look forward to finding partners that are more compatible in our lives.

But i am sure there was more to it than just not a good enough sex life as to why your Divorcing.

Not to take away from this threader...

CW

[Fire(m)]

We talked yesterday and she thinks because I have only been sexually active for less than a year that it is all shiney and new and exciting. She also said she has just had bad sex in the past. I on the other hand have had amazing sex and want ours to be amazing too.
Because everything else is going well I am going to be patient and do what I can.

I am also tryingto work on my probelm. By trying to increase frequency of sex so I can become more comfortqable and recondition my body for this feel. It is a goal of mine to finish and it is all tied together.

In the back of my mind though I am thinking it may not work out.

IMHO, I think that both of you could use some counseling. She could use counseling for her issues, and you could use some counseling as well. When you say things such as "it is a goal of mine to finish and it is all tied together" it tells me that you may be applying some unrealistic goals to matters of the heart. This isn't an engineering problem that's solved when you hit the right buttons on a calculator (no love-button pun intended). It's not a test to be completed and move on...you're talking about a love relationship with another human being. That cannot be controlled by goals or wishes or desires or you whining about getting plain vanilla sex vs. chocolate-strawberry-swirl. This is really a matter of basic compatibility. At least in my mind. You may not like what I say, and I don't say it to be hurtful, but just blunt.

All I have to say is WOW!!! :rolls eyes:

1. I do know what BC does. I already talked to her about it
2. Everyone has to give and take in a relationship. Being a bit selfish is all part of it and knowing what I want is a great thing.

1. You are evidently not very experienced in what BC "can" do to a woman. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's disasterous. I have witnessed 2 out of 5 of my past partners being disasterous.
2. Everyone does have to give and take in a relationship. Mostly give. Being selfish has no place in a successful relationship. I've been married for 22 years. It is hard to stay married for that long when people are 100% unselfishly devoted to eachother. It's sometimes all give and no take. If you're not completely signed up to a relationship, then it's not going to fly. Mark my words 1, 2, 4, 10 years from now. Maybe I'm wrong, but I bet I'm not.

Honestly, what2do, some of the things you say are things I would expect to hear from an adolescent, not a 31 year old man. I think for every one of the issues you think your g/f has, you have an equal number of issues, primarily revolving around your maturity level. I do think that you're honest in what you say, but it is disturbing to me that you don't seem to be able to discern some of these "elemental" relationship issues. You said that you've only been sexually active for a year, so maybe you've just recently started having an interest in opposite sex relationships as well. Pardon if I'm off base. I don't mean that as an insult or a put-down by any means, I'm just trying to figure out why you seem emotionally immature to me.

Am I the only one that sees this? It could be me! My wife tells me I'm wrong all the time and I believe her because she knows EVERYTHING! Ha!

Cheers.

[Mme.Marie]

A good way to start is to do some reading or research on something you think she may like , take your time and when you do something watch how she responds , if its something like heavier breathing , ask her if she likes that . Its not a huge start but its a start . Also , something my boyfriends and I have tried is we agree to each come up with something as a surprise for the other one the next time we get together ( obviously within reason ... dress sexy , have a new special something that will make them feel amazing , etc ). Or you can always suggest a game of "show and tell " , where you each take turns showing /telling the other person how to do something you enjoy . Its a great way to get an idea what they like and a sort of erotic show .

I hope some of this might help . Still , you might want to give her time and dont focus on what she doesnt do but what she does that you like . If you begin by telling her something she does that makes you hot , it can build her confidence ...especially in the beginning.

[what2do]

Seems like I am the bad guy here to some of the posters. I know its easy to misinterperet the meaning of a sentence or two and cannot convey exactly whats going on.
I will be taking this offline to work on the real issues at hand. Thanks for all the feedback and recommendations.