[courtney]

Okay, here goes. I have been with my guy for about a year and I'd say we have a healthy sex life. My issue is that he does not want me to give him oral sex. There was never a bad experience, he never let me and I never pushed him to. When I ask why he says that he loves me and doesn't want to think of the women he loves doing that, as if it's dirty or something he would only allow a girl he didn't care about to do. My problem with that is that he didn't always love me.

I know he isn't turning me down because I'm no good at it, I am very secure in what I can do . I guess I'm a little confused. I don't particularly enjoy receiving oral but I let him and participate because he enjoys it. I try anything he wants.

Any suggestions or has anyone been through a similar situation?

Thanks

[silvertae]

Get him to read up on the madonna/wh*re complex. It's common but really...he should get over it. If you WANT to pleasure him that way and if it would feel good to him but he just doesn't want to "degrade" you then he's just denying you both pleasure.

[Phoebee]

This goes to a conversation I had with DH a long time ago. Why is "F" you an insult? I mean if I was saying "I hate you. Why don't you Go and enjoy sex" it would not go over the same way. What comment to a person is more degrading then calling them a dirty "C" sucker? If I called anyone that I would expect a fight. And why? Taboos from long ago? Or implying that someone is homosexual or what? We talked about it for hours, never understood it. Most of the good curses are about sex we think.

It seemed strange then and does now.

So, if he thinks the most degrading insulting thing in the world is a person who would suck "C" then? I say forget about it if he enjoys other aspects of sex. If he is going to loose respect for you then why chance it? On the other hand if (like my) your husband can't stop mumbling "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU" on the rare occasion when you do it? Well thats another thing.

[silvertae]

On the other hand if (like my) your husband can't stop mumbling "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU" on the rare occasion when you do it? Well thats another thing.

LOL. My boyfriend gets a content smile, sighs, and says "thank you honey!" if I give him an unreciprocated bj. It's fun to see him all happy and satisfied like that.

[courtney]

Thanks for you advice, it's quite puzzling. He doesn't want oral but begs for anal. Ha! I don't know how the two don't compare in degradation.

[silvertae]

Lol! Now that is really interesting.

As long as you are both satisfied sexually then I guess don't worry about things. Maybe sometime in the future he'll go for the oral. My boyfriend only recently started asking me to let him come on my face. I was really put off at first but have let him do it once and it was alright.

[WildChild]

Neither oral or anal are degrading if done with a desire to pleasure and be pleasured. As with much of sex the problem is with what's in your heads rather than what your bodies are doing. You say you don't "particularly enjoy receiving oral" but "let him" because he enjoys it. Whether you think so or not your lack of enjoyment is communicated and whether he is actively aware of it or not he feels it. So it sounds like neither of you is really completely comfortable with oral sex. Communication is a biggie here and we all fall down on that sometime - talk to him about it!
You say he begs for anal. Are you "letting" him do that? Or is it degrading? Sometimes, esspecially with us ladies, we need time to decide if we are into lovemaking at the moment, and sometimes we have to just know that it will relieve tension, end headaches, stop cramps, cure a sore throat - it will help what ails you in many cases and sometimes we do it just for him even when we are not fully into it. That's OK (once in a while) IF you are acting with intension. But if it's your default and you aren't connecting with your needs, there will be problems.
You both need to explore what your problem is with oral. If he doesn't want it why are you so insistant on giving it to him - is that so much different than his begging for anal if you find it degrading? If you "don't particularly" like receiving oral why are you "letting" him? Sounds like you have a set of expectations - this is what a sexual relationship is supposed to include - like it or not. Like driving the right car or going to the right church, but there isn't a right and wrong in sex so long as you are both consenting adults and keep it private. It should be about what works for the two of you, not about what's on the checklist.

"doesn't want to think of the women he loves doing that, as if it's dirty or something he would only allow a girl he didn't care about to do. My problem with that is that he didn't always love me." This sound like the Real problem. Hummm?

[courtney]

Ah! Let's see from the beginning. Wild Child you're making me feel bad. From day one I had no expectations, sexual or otherwise. Our relationship was never supposed to be more than physical but here we are. That's a whole other post.

1. I don't mind receiving oral, I say I don't enjoy it because I've never climaxed by it. I can't figure out how to. It's like some goal of his to make me cum through oral, and I don't want him to feel inadequate because he can't. When he does go down on me, I am into it. I never just lay limp.

2. I do not beg him to let me go down on him. I have suggested it and when he declines I move on. The part about him not always loving me brings me to the point that I don't just go down on any guy I date. For me it's personal but when I felt comfortable enough with him, that's when I suggested it.

3. Anal. Not really begging, just mentions it often. He doesn't pressure me. We have never, not because I don't want to, but because we have tried and maybe I don't relax enough, I don't know. I want to give him that, and I want to enjoy it. There is nothing I won't try to make him/me/our love making better.

Don't let all this elude to an assumption that we don't have good sex. We do. What stinks is I recently moved and I don't get to see him very much. Long distance is already going to be tough, I just want the time we have together to make the distance worth it. This is the first relationship I've been in that I really care about and he is nothing like what I've dated in the past. I hope that's a good thing for our sake.

Thanks for the advice, communication is essential!!!

[WildChild]

Opps, didn't mean to make you feel bad, just to think a bit. I'm really into precise word meaning so when you wrote that he begs for anal or that you don't particularly enjoy receiving oral, I assumed that was what you meant - literally.
Distance is a bummer and I can understand why you want the time you have to be special.

I'm big on reading so may I suggest a few books? First check on Mama Gena. Regina Thomashauer has written several books that deal with keeping things focused on fun and pleasure. She's fun to read and makes you feel good! Then check out Drs Steve and Vera Bodansky, they are teachers and masters of extended massive orgasm (EMO) and while they favor the use of hands, they've got a lot of good stuff. EMO is based on communication and relaxation. Since your BF (and maybe you too) is goal oriented in giving you oral, the "performance" anxiety may be keeping you from orgasm. Relaxing into it may be the key.

Does oral get you aroused even if you don't cum? If you can just enjoy it as foreplay, would anything be wrong with that? As along as you are both good with it there really isn't any right or wrong to it. Anal can be great but I've found it works best when super aroused. There are some good posts on it here and you might check out Sex Talk with Sue, she's Canadian, has a tv show, but her web site has a question area and there's quite a bit of how to on anal. But you know lots of people have good sex lives without oral or anal!

I can understand finding someone who just might be the something so much more, it's hard not to stress a bit wanting it all to go well. Take it from a middle aged lady who's got some battle scars, the good ones are worth the effort but stressing won't help. Relationships take work but you have to be able to go with the flow too. Give it time. In the meantime be good to yourself, learn new things, meet new people.
Again, sorry, didn't mean to be mean. I've been working on not being wishy washy, guess I haven't quite got the hang of it?

[courtney]

No worries, I didn't take offense. I guess I just used the words to save time explaining so precisely. I'll def check out the books, always learning. I may be an exception, but my favorite sex is sex with no foreplay. To me that is most arousing, just going for it. But not every time. And he does go down on me as foreplay. I enjoy it most when he uses fingers, I think it's the pressure behind. And the tricky thing about anal is that I don't mind fingers and we've even used a small vibe but when it comes to him, it is a pain like no other. I've seen books by Tristan Taormino on the subject but never bought them. I think I just might.

I do appreciate your advice. This is my first time ever putting my questions out there so it's good to hear what others say.