[Fire(m)]

One other comment. At 33, you are going into YOUR sexual prime. My wife was a daggone wildcat at that time (say 32-38). It was awesome. Don't feel like there is anything wrong with how YOU are feeling. You're perfectly normal.

You gave me a lot of good reasons and attributes about your husband and those reasons you gave me make sense on why you would want to stay with him...I understand more now that you've explained that.

I still think that you have a right to be treated with love, respect and AFFECTION. I don't think that's too much to ask, but there are no guarantees in life and what's right is not necessarily what is reality.

Good luck.

[HURT&CONFUSED]

Oh my gosh, run run run. You deserve so much better. Trust me. He either loves you, all of you just the way you are or he doesnt. He's definitely not honest and my feeling is that if they cheat once and you take them back they will do it again. You have too much going for you. Listen its awesome to know that there are other women out there addicted to sex. I am one myself now with no boyfriend anymore, but that's ok, most men would give anything to have a wife, girlfriend, friend in general just knowing that women are addicted to sex is a major turn on for guys because most guys dont have anyone in their life like that especially after all that time. He will be lost without you and so he should. You adore him and he once in a while spends time with you. It hurts bad trust us but you need to focus on you and move on. 33 is an awesome age and you have plenty of time to find someone new that will love and respect you just as much as you do them.

And for the record, if you want to loose weight for you that is fine but all of what you want to do has to be for you because if you do not respect yourself and put yourself first, nobody else will either. You deserve better sweetie. Start making today about you. Keep us posted. Good luck

[somebody's74]

Thanks for all your responses, right now I am really bumbed out and confused. I was talking to a friend of mine about my problem and she said she thinks it's like this, number one he's decensitized from all the porn he's been looking at for years and number two he's programmed to conduct himself like this in bed, to "not" be affectionate and just go straight for the crotch. Another words my friend thinks that the woman he was having an affair with was just an extension of his online porn problem fantasy world she says he wasn't in love in with her and he would probably avoid closeness, no holding/kissing or whispering in her ear etc and just jump right into the act and now after 2+ years of that he doesn't remember how to be affectionate sexually. And that sort of makes sense because even though for years I wanted to have sex more frequently than he did, before he met her,

he was definitely more attentive to me in bed when we did do it. He would usually initiate by turning our nightly good-night peck into a more passionate kiss and then go from there and we would kiss for long periods of time and he would be in my ear saying I felt so good, or he can't get close enough or deep enough, and so on and that kind of thing drove me absolutely crazy, I loved it!

Well after he met her ALL of that came to a halt, if and when we did have sex that's when he started with the avoiding kissing, no more whispering sensuous things to me, just boom hand in my crotch or 69 or just go down on me without any other foreplay first which can sometimes be uncomfortable to me physically (and other woman too I've heard).

So I guess I'm wondering if my friend is right that this is the way his relationship was with her so now he doesn't remember how to do it any other way with me, or is it just that she turned him on so much that he doesn't tell me he wants me or how good I feel because he just doesn't feel that way about me anymore?

I know the other night we had been sort of arguing about this matter for a couple days so I sent him an article on how important sex is in a marriage from ivillage, later he had to run somewhere for a few minutes and while he was gone I saw that he had looked up "men who don't want sex" on google and left an article he read in US News open on our desk as well.

I got so sad, I thought to myself: "I don't want to see your excuses for why you don't want sex, because you do want it, just not with me" as far as I'm concerned someone not interested in sex wouldn't be looking at porn online and they certainly wouldn't go out of their way to have a very sexual affair. I ended up crying so hard that night and when he came home I guess since I was b*tch*ing about our lack of sex he figured he better do something about it and as usual got into bed and stuck his hand directly between my legs (his way of initiating sex) and I think for the first time ever in our relationship I was like "NO, I don't want to". That is just such a turn off for me.

Now I'm really sad and moody because it's been I think a week and 2 days or so since we've done it, he certainly doesn't seem to care and I'm feeling all wierd like I don't even want him anymore cause I'm just so sick of him making me feel like for wanting him. I have NO intention of doing anything with him anytime soon right now I guess I'm just angry and I almost want to punish him by withholding any type of sexual contact for about the next year, of course that wouldn't really be a punishment for him, it would be more like a reward! I'm so freakin depressed and tired of being hurt in this relationship
I don't want to leave him because I love him but I think my god, if this is the sex life I have now and have had for years, what do I have to look forward to when he gets older? Men's sex drive only goes down with age not up.

I've tried this before and usually fail miserably but as an expiriment try not initiate as long as possible to see how long it takes him to do it himself after two weeks I usually can't take it anymore an go down on him and get things going or beg him to touch me or something but I'm at a week and 2 or 3 days now so I'm going to try, I bet anything if I can control myself, nothing will be happening in this bedroom for a long time!

[eternalfire]

im a man and i would do anything for my gf and always will the fact u have a sex drive is perfectly natural. from my point of view it seems like a bit of role reversal not to be sterotypical but normaly its he man that wants sex and he women that dont... there is nothing wrong with u my gf and i have a sex drive just like u

[somebody's74]

im a man and i would do anything for my gf and always will the fact u have a sex drive is perfectly natural. from my point of view it seems like a bit of role reversal not to be sterotypical but normaly its he man that wants sex and he women that dont... there is nothing wrong with u my gf and i have a sex drive just like u

Thanks that makes me feel a little better. Can I ask how long you have been with your girlfriend? My husband seems to base allot of his defense on the fact that after people are together for along time the "new-ness" wears off and the excitement just isn't there sexually anymore. I can't quite comprehend that because even after all these years my desire for him is as strong as ever and he knows that if he's bored I'm willing to do just about anything to spice things up.
I just can't understand why people don't make a valiant effort to keep passion alive, my thing has always been thinking about him erotically all day, not hot celebreties, not other men, but HIM........thinking about how good he feels and how much I love him and details about things we did in bed that I enjoyed and I think that keeps my desire pumping. If people would only do this kind of thing or whatever it takes to keep that "new" gotta have you feeling going there'd be less infidelity. So that's why I'm curious if you are in a new relationship or if you're finding ways to keep the fire burning longterm.

[somebody's74]

I might add that for years I've spent so much time fantasizing about my husband and being very turned on by him only to feel bad that he's never felt the same way about me and I really believe that the other night when I saw those articles he was looking up about how men don't want sex was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. Now instead of thinking hot spicy things about him and how much I want to feel his touch in bed tonight, I'm spending my time repeatedly telling myself that I'm sick of not being desired, I'm sick of his lack of interest in me, and anything else I can think that will turn me off towards him.

I am sick of feeling frustration over this and I am sick of being made to feel bad for the way that I am, maybe I do the same to him, make him feel bad for the way he is, put us together and sexually we just don't mesh. I am feeling anger and resentment for having to go without something that gives great fullfilment and as of right now I really have no sexual desire for him, this is the very first time in our relationship I've been able to accomplish this. There's something emotional going on here though and maybe I need a therapist or maybe I'm normal I don't know...

But, even on nights when I am not in the mood and we haven't done it for a while I still get pi*sed that he doesn't express an interest in wanting me and atleast try to initiate something. I guess it's all about being wanted for me, I just want to be desired in the worst way and as I said after the affair I'm not taking the "I'm just not as into sex as other guys" excuse and I take great offense obviously she really turned him on and he didn't get bored of her after 2 and half years of sleeping with her so often I ask why is he even with me if she turned him on so much and there was so much chemistry. I look at it like this, I deserve to be wanted like she was wanted one way or another I've been neglected sexually and romantically long enough.

I'm not saying I would cause two wrongs don't make a right and I'm totally against cheating but if the shoe is ever on the other foot (meaning his) as far as I'm concerned he'll have no one to blame but himself.

I think to myself is he a robot or what, I mean doesn't everyone generally long to be close with an another human being that they love? Doesn't everyone crave the touch and to be touched and caressed by the person they are closest with? It's like he just doesn't need that at all I mean for two weeks the most intimacy we've had is his arm around me when we fall asleep, over top the covers, not even touching my skin, a peck goodnight, a peck and a hug before he leaves for work the same when he gets home. I just think he'd want anad crave to be close, even at night when he kisses me goodnight if I try to turn the kiss into something more passionate he keeps his lips closes as tight as fort knox so I couldn't even if I wanted to, in fact have tried without success.

I can't even talk to him about these feelings anymore cause he just so sick of it and all it does is cause us to fight which we're both sick of but I fear if I don't express this to him I'm going to explode and if he doesn't do something to change I (if it's right to ask him to change) it's going to end our marriage, I really feel that's going to happen. But, maybe it's like this, if he felt this way about me he do it without me even asking so maybe he just doesn't have the capacity to be what I want in bed and never will again. Maybe he'd be better off with his ex-mistress since they have so much chemistry.


Maybe one day he'll change his tune and it will be too late because I'm already doing a very good job of turning myself off towards him, maybe it will be one of those be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it deals. who knows.'



I just seriosly need to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rcoreyus]

Somebodys74, I'm in a similar situation, but with the genders reversed. My wife just isn't interested. We've been married almost 25 years now, and given the chance I'd make love to her every night. But she is only slightly interested, and only maybe once every few weeks.

I think your desire for sex is normal and healthy, it is your husband who is unusual, but unfortunately not unique.

I'm so sorry for your situation, wish I had something constructive to suggest. You could leave: you have every right to the way he is treating you. And in the long run both of you might actually be happier.

[eternalfire]

be and my girlfriend have been together for nearly 7 years, somebodys74 we dont have to find new ways to keep it burning it never stops. u arnt alone many people cant stop thinking about their boyfriend/girlfriends

[mar25]

There is a very simple solution to this. The problem is that you want him too much and it is a bore for him. As far as the reason for this obsessive desire for him, that is debatable. Are you sure it is sexual desire for him or his attention that you crave in a sexual way?

Either way, the solution is the same. You need to pull it away from him and become (or at least pretend to be disinterested in him) Trust me. Do it for a month or two (although it he may come to you sooner but trust me either way he will eventually come). Do not have sex with him unless he initiates it. And before you agree to do it with him you need to tell him what you want beforehand. Tell him you are not in the mood unless he does x,y and z.

I know this seems very challenging but this is the only way to turn the tables dear. If you don't have the strength to do this, it won't change. He will get bored of porn without the sex, all men do eventually. You also my want to ask you doctor to give you some xanax because that can often calm you down and help you get over some of the urges you are having. Typically, if you just tell him you are having a little anxiety it is pretty easy to get. My guess is that if you can do this you have about a 90% of getting what you want. If you do this and you still don't get it, you will probably either have to accept it or move on. Good luck, you sound like a great girl.

One more note. You can't just do it once. It will take a few times, but he should start coming to you more and more frequently and hopefully you can change in your favor. He just needs a challenge.