[LanaBear]

Tod...

Didn't you state, at one point in another thread, you found her googling about no longer loving her husband? Well, if that is the case, her and her vibrator use should be the least of your worries. You and your wife need help. You need to stop over analyzing her sexual, or lack there of, behavior and find out if this marriage of yours is even salvageable.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If you were wasting my time, I wouldn't have replied to your other threads would I?

And, you are bantering on the same thing, over and over and I appreciate that you are trying to find a solution, you are better of sticking to one thread, so that people can read the biggining, middle and well one day the end, than to repeat in different versions the whoas...

We suggested the getaway, that obviously made no difference.

She does not work, does not want to work, is bored with life, yet is happy to spend your money, happy to buy her vibrators with your money but hide them away, letting you know she has them, but never letting you use them, or watch her.

She is sending you into debt further and further and people are encouraging you to make her get a job, yet, she won't.

She won't have sex with you and yet you try to be loving.

Push her up against the wall and then after that, grab the paper of the table and hand it to her, look her directly between the eyes and say "get a job woman, now".

I am saying you are being to nice, too soft, this woman will send you bankrupt and whilst she's at it, she's lowering your self esteme and the ability to be a MAN in all senses of the word, and no, I am not saying you are not one I am saying,she stripping you of being one, one by one.

If she's depressed, get her help, get her to the Doctor.

If she doesn't love you anymore, let her go and start getting out of debt and find someone who will love you.

6 months on and it's the same, you are not happy, you are now depressed yourself, there's two solutions and they to me are the only solutions you have....

You've done everything

She's done nothing...

And forget the Vibrator, you need to work on the debts, because you are the one who is going to be left with them, you can always one day find another lady to fulfill your needs, emotionally and physically... Debts getting worse because someone doesn't give a....

Has no heart, conscious or is ill and needs help...

[Tod121]

Tod121, it sounds like your issue is not a sexual one, its a relationship one. Getting into more debt won't help. If anything, it will add to your stress level. You apppear to be just driving yourself crazy searching the internet history and tracking when your wife used the vibe. If you have tried everything without success, its time to get the help of a professional. Seek marriage/couples counselling. Marriage is hard and we all go through difficult periods. That is why the divorce rate is so high. You've asked your wife if she loves you, but then her actions say something else. She is not communicating with you honestly or something else is going on. Whatever it is, the sexual issues are only symptoms of a bigger issue. Please look into professional help. Tell your wife you are not happy with where your relationship is. Be very honest. Don't try to make assumptions based on some of her actions without getting her side of the story. Propose seeing a therapist to help with your relationship. Sometimes it easier to talk with a third party to help facilitate the conversation.

I totally agree with you, I do feel I am going crazy and very paranoid, the sex side of things are a symptom of a bigger problem and yes wasting money is 1 of my biggest concerns but whilst I try to hold onto the cash and spend it wisely (Im no scrooge, I'll spend it if I have money but we are thousands of pounds in dept but my wife just says, everyone is in the same boat and carrys on spending. I have mention councilling in the past and was greated with a very firm NO and my wife said she had no wish to discuss our issues with a third party. I think that if she could only get a job it would not only easy the money situation but would be good for her but she does not want to work (been a house wife for 16 years now.

[Tod121]

Tod...

Didn't you state, at one point in another thread, you found her googling about no longer loving her husband? Well, if that is the case, her and her vibrator use should be the least of your worries. You and your wife need help. You need to stop over analyzing her sexual, or lack there of, behavior and find out if this marriage of yours is even salvageable.

Yes you are right and I agree the relationship side is more of a concern but since finding her google searches she has told me a few times that she loves me, so it leaves me very confussed as to what to believe, I dont press her for anything but if she loves me why doesnt she want to make love, I provide for the family and keep in shape, do things for her and tell her I love her, when we do make love I tell her its the best feeling ever and all the troubles of the world mean nothing when I am that happy but here we are in this situation. It is on my to-do list to have a big heart to heart but 1) I dont fancy a big argument and 2) want things to be as pleasant as possible upto and during Christmas, do you know what I mean? As for the vibe, it is an added concern because IF there is no love, this is another thing she does not need me for and further separates us.

[Claret]

So after reading all of this post, Tod, I have to ask you a couple of questions. What is it you are really looking for here? Are you seeking to find the solutions to your wife's problem? Are you just looking for a place to vent?
If you are just venting, why not vent to someone that could possible help you discover your part in all of this? What is it you are doing that contributes to how you are feeling and the why and how of letting someone else play the tune that you must dance to?
If you are sincerely looking for help, why not find someone that can honestly help you in your marriage? To do this though you would need to have you and your wife in marriage counselling.
If you are looking for a solution to your wife's problem - then this will never work. She has to find the solution to her problem, you can only work on what you are doing, how you react and the why and how of YOUR OWN life.

[BabyGirl]

As for the vibe, it is an added concern because IF there is no love, this is another thing she does not need me for and further separates us

1) What other Concerns are there actually ?
2) What does she Need you For ? Make a List

If she is using the Vibe as a " BOB " ( Battery Operated Boyfriend) and not interested in making love with you, I would be concerned. Just as if she were watching Porn.

* Now some of you men may start to feel what women feel on the Porn / Masturbation topic " He is a Guy , Tod, who feels insecure and hurt that his wife is using something other than his Love and Sexual Prowess ". *


On You paying all the bills, her No Job, her spending you into Debt.

Stop the free reign on the Paycheck, Credit Cards.

Sit down Make a Budget, Pay the Bills First , have household money and then put the rest away for Discussion on how it can or will be spent.

Prioritize the wants and " need " list . Kids need shoes or coats versus Wife needs a Vibe ?

[Tod121]

If you were wasting my time, I wouldn't have replied to your other threads would I?

And, you are bantering on the same thing, over and over and I appreciate that you are trying to find a solution, you are better of sticking to one thread, so that people can read the biggining, middle and well one day the end, than to repeat in different versions the whoas...

We suggested the getaway, that obviously made no difference.

She does not work, does not want to work, is bored with life, yet is happy to spend your money, happy to buy her vibrators with your money but hide them away, letting you know she has them, but never letting you use them, or watch her.

She is sending you into debt further and further and people are encouraging you to make her get a job, yet, she won't.

She won't have sex with you and yet you try to be loving.

Push her up against the wall and then after that, grab the paper of the table and hand it to her, look her directly between the eyes and say "get a job woman, now".

I am saying you are being to nice, too soft, this woman will send you bankrupt and whilst she's at it, she's lowering your self esteme and the ability to be a MAN in all senses of the word, and no, I am not saying you are not one I am saying,she stripping you of being one, one by one.

If she's depressed, get her help, get her to the Doctor.

If she doesn't love you anymore, let her go and start getting out of debt and find someone who will love you.

6 months on and it's the same, you are not happy, you are now depressed yourself, there's two solutions and they to me are the only solutions you have....

You've done everything

She's done nothing...

And forget the Vibrator, you need to work on the debts, because you are the one who is going to be left with them, you can always one day find another lady to fulfill your needs, emotionally and physically... Debts getting worse because someone doesn't give a....

Has no heart, conscious or is ill and needs help...

CW, you summarise very well. The extra efforts I make do make a difference but only for a short space of time, ie, the next day, we are back where we were it seems. I dont think she would like me being forceful (pushing her against the wall, etc) probably report me for rape or just get very angry with me. I do agree and have been told before that I am being too nice and soft with her but I have always been a thoughtful and helpful chap, willing to go out of my way for the people I love. Oddly enough though last night I found myself ignoring her demands to do this n that and got her to do stuff instead, maybe I should step this up and be what others have said she needs a be the "bad boy" and treat her mean.
As for the money side of things, as we have a joint account I am afriad she will sap the money out (more than she has already) if she is faced with a split and of course it is complicated because we have kids. I cant work on the depts because she has access to the cash the same as I do. She wont see anyone as she doesnt want to discuss this with a councillor and is not very good with people and doesnt value our doctors.
I do plan to get Christmas "out of the way" and try and talk to her and work out what we can do. Like I mentioned earlier, I did pop the question of "are WE OK" a couple of times recently but either she doesnt want to face the facts or I was being too vague, as she just answered yes.

[Tod121]

1) What other Concerns are there actually ?
2) What does she Need you For ? Make a List

If she is using the Vibe as a " BOB " ( Battery Operated Boyfriend) and not interested in making love with you, I would be concerned. Just as if she were watching Porn.

* Now some of you men may start to feel what women feel on the Porn / Masturbation topic " He is a Guy , Tod, who feels insecure and hurt that his wife is using something other than his Love and Sexual Prowess ". *


On You paying all the bills, her No Job, her spending you into Debt.

Stop the free reign on the Paycheck, Credit Cards.

Sit down Make a Budget, Pay the Bills First , have household money and then put the rest away for Discussion on how it can or will be spent.

Prioritize the wants and " need " list . Kids need shoes or coats versus Wife needs a Vibe ?

I get what you are saying but have you ever cancelled a joint bank account and then stayed with the partner, this is far easier said than done, she sees "handling" the money as part of her role, not really for me to hire or fire her, I'd like to sack her for a job but, Mmm.

[Tod121]

So after reading all of this post, Tod, I have to ask you a couple of questions. What is it you are really looking for here? Are you seeking to find the solutions to your wife's problem? Are you just looking for a place to vent?
If you are just venting, why not vent to someone that could possible help you discover your part in all of this? What is it you are doing that contributes to how you are feeling and the why and how of letting someone else play the tune that you must dance to?
If you are sincerely looking for help, why not find someone that can honestly help you in your marriage? To do this though you would need to have you and your wife in marriage counselling.
If you are looking for a solution to your wife's problem - then this will never work. She has to find the solution to her problem, you can only work on what you are doing, how you react and the why and how of YOUR OWN life.

I am not here just to vent but of course it does help to get my thoughts "out there". All this is in the hope of picking up a usable solution that is suggested by someone, my wife has always rejected any suggestion of help from a third party whether its a doctor or marriage councilling. Things have built up to the point where they cant go on much more as they are, I am still hoping that both of us getting out of the house and playing a sport together will help but this is at a very early stage, only been once so far but she made a point of saying how much fun she had. I dont want to put things off but plan to see how things are going by the end of January. If by then things are still bad I WILL have no choice but to confront her and ask where we are heading but I do fear that she will grab the cash more than ever before the bank account is closed, cant really close the account before I talk to her.

[Claret]

But my point was you can't change her. You can only change your actions and your reactions to what is happening around you. With change in you, she will then either have to change herself (her actions and reactions to you) and at that point she may be willing to seek counselling for her.

Re: the bank account, is she joint on this account? If so you may need her permission at the bank in order to close the account. The easier way would be to open up an account only in your name and have your money deposited there. Then you could transfer into the first account what you feel she would require on a weekly/monthly basis. You'd be responsibile for all bill payments, groceries, utilities etc.