[Mark42088]

Hey everybody I had created an account because I was reading an old thread on here and i was reading a thread that had what I wanted to say but since that thread was closed so I am making a new one.

My girlfriend of 3 years can be extremely thick headed at times, and one topic that keeps getting to me is her view on masturbation.

Not only did she almost break up with me when she found out from my friends how much I masturbate, 1-2 times a day before I met her, but she sees masturbating as an extreme evil.

As another poster said, and I completely agree "So in the end the only person responsible for getting her off is me! Honestly, that is a burden that I do not want and I think its unfair. I've tried to talk to her about masturbating and exploring, so we can have a more open sex life, but she shuts me down every time"

How am I supposed to pleasure my girlfriend when she doesn't even know how to pleasure herself!

She is against trying new things like toys and me playing with her vagina, she was discusted with me when I was exploring with her and told her how much I enjoyed when she used
Her hand to "get me off"

She has this idea that "why can't I just be normal and enjoy just intercourse, it's weird that u would prefer me to use my hand" she is totally agains madturbating, she sees it as discusting and wrong, says that's what a boyfriend is for. No toys because its gross and not real.

This isn't a case of me trying to change her to fit my needs. I was raised to believe that "ignorance is the root of all evil" and i stand by that.

She is so against it, that I just see I as rediculious, masturbating is about learning what makes you feel good, and the fact that she refuses to try it "just because" is really irritating.

What do u ladies think of this situation? She claims that she is very open sexually but just doesn't want to do or talk about that stuff.

Sorry about any spelling errors, I'm writing this on my iphone.

Thanks in advance everyone and speak to u soon.

[DreamP346]

You use some very strong words here like "disgusting", "normal", "extreme evil." Are those your words or hers? If they are her words, she has some major hangups with sex. It's not a masturbation issue. She needs to understand human sexuality, that there's no "normal" and something that is legal (doesn't harm anybody) and gives pleasure to both partners is not evil. This is a huge task. It's like trying to convert somebody's religion. Are you up for it?

The other attitude is your's. You can't force your girlfriend to like or do anything. If she doesn't want to masturbate, that is her right. True, it shouldn't be because she has messed up ideas about sex, but because that is her personal choice. Many woman do not like to masturbate, especially if they have a partner. Unless she is complaining that you are not satisfying her sexually and/or not getting her off, you can't demand she masturbate to know her body better. You need to accept that.

[PhrendlyPhil]

Mark: She's got some barriers to break down which ain't gonna be easy. You've to to approach this little by little. Start off by her doing a few simple things under the guise that it's for YOUR pleasure (because she doesn't yet believe it's ok to do something pleasurable for herself). Step 1: lingerie - she puts on some real sexy items and slowly strips down (all under the pretense of pleasing you). Step 2: Ask her to strike some sexy poses (tell her to use her imagination). Step 3: You caress her body very very lightly with your hands and then with your penis. Step 4: She caresses her own body with her own hands while you watch. Step 5: Long intense kissing (this could also be added to any step). Step 6: Gently caress her labia and lightly jerk her clitoris between her outer labia - hopefully she is becoming quite aroused by this point and will be very open to your suggestions (say a session of mutual masturbation?).

[Mark42088]

Heyy thanks for the quick reply. Those words describing masturbation are hers and I may have left some other words out.

Just for a little reference, we have been dating for 3 years, and 2 of those we have lived in our own apartment in Brooklyn NY. I am 26, white, and she is 28, white and It's sad that I am the most mature in the relationship, althought she will deny and call me the immature one.

Am I up for it? It has been this way the whole 3 years we have been dating and living together.

Another issue is she doesn't know how to turn me on. I end up saying "I'm sorry Jess, if u are telling me off about how I didn't do anything after work except for real and watching tv, I am probably not going to want to have sex with you at that moment/night." She tells me "well sorry if I can be a jerk, just touch me in some places and get me in the mood to shut me up."

My arrousal can't be turne on like a switch, especially if she is constantly taking blows at my self esteem.

The thing is that when we started dating, we had sex a lot, sometimes multiple times in a day. Shorty but surely I started drifting further and further. I started to notice a pattern.

It seemed that whenever we had sex it would end with her crying about personal past issues, asking me if I'm done yet, or just laying there like a doll. This doesn't make me want to have sex, I feel like I'm rap*&g her.. And she says why am I stopping lol when she's the one who is lifeless, soundless, eyes closed , and totally emotionless. I don't know if I'm doing something good or she is not liking it.

This masturbating thing is where it starts though.. How can I know what makes her feel good, if she can't do it to herself and show me.

I am at the point I would rather masturbate when she is not home, then have sex when she is.

This relationship could go 2 ways. I suck it up, and live a sexless, semi happy life with her, or throw away the love and care I have for her and find someone who has the same views as me.

I just care so much about her, and it kills me to see her upset or hurting on the inside.

Another couple of big issues we had were birth control, I give up that fight awhile ago. Still using condoms because she "doesn't believe" in birth control and how terrible it is for her body. And her pubic hair grooming. I prefer her to trim it up a little bit just so hair isn't coming out the sides of her panties when she's spread on the bed... I know, what type of monster am I to care about a little hygeine it took so many arguments of how much it hurts and itches when she trims it, and how she has to deal with the upkeep every couple of days (sheer laziness) I feel like I'm dating a little kid.

After dating for 3 years, there has to be the point that I say "if she hasn't budged for this long, why would I expect any different" so maybe I should just break up with her.

Sorry about the essay, I really needed to vent and this seems like a great place to do that and I really need some words from a female perspective.

Thanks again

-Mark

[CHANDLERS WISH]

her crying about personal past issues,

Can you elaborate a bit here please.

[PhrendlyPhil]

Whoops, just read your second post, Mark. Wow, there's a lot of stuff there. Probably more than you could handle by yourself. Sounds like she needs professional counseling. You might have to step to the side or step away altogether.

[Mark42088]

Tried that. She says therapists r for the weak. Even though I have been seeing one for 5 years to deal with my past issues, drug abuse. Now she started going to this Buddhist place for spiritual guidance which is creating more problems because she is bringing religion into it. We were both raised catholic, and now she thinks she's 100% Buddhist and wants to raise kids that way.

I have tried so much to get her to come to my therapist with me. It sucks that the longer we t together the further and further she is getting from the person I fell in love with.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She's searching. I don't know what happened in her past but it seems you both have one and perhaps that is why you fell in love with each other.

There is nothing wrong with being religious but I feel she is searching for herself, forgiveness for something and she can't touch be touched, sex is evil. What ever her past is, she 100% needs help, unfortunately, unless she wants that help and 'GOOD FOR YOU' for what you are doing, then nothing you do or can do will change things.

She has to rid of the demons that haunt her. This is her way, through religion not everyone's reason for it but hers.

[Mark42088]

Thanks you for your input.

[Mark42088]

She is trying to find herself. I agree 100% she moved to New York by herself 4 years ago from California, but she has been stuck, still workin at Starbucks and she doesn have much going for her besides that.

I don't want to leave her because I feel like she needs me the most right now. But maybe she needs to work through all this by herself, plus with all that she's going through, she projects a lot on me, threatening my happiness am well being and pushing my progress I have made these few years back.

Should I stay or should I go... I'm sometimes happy, but usually not when she is around because I always get an earful, but I don't think she can stand on her own if I were to leave, even though it will be the right move for my happiness and well being. Ugh.