My wife has a medical condition called vulvodynia (I suspect vaginismus subset). This condition makes it so that penetration is very painful for her. It's only the act of penetration itself. She says it burns a lot. I've never been able to enter her. Nonpenetrative activity is pleasurable for her, though. So I'm at least able to pleasure her with my hands or mouth, sometimes clitoral vibrators. Likewise, she uses her hands with me. She's never attempted fellatio in the past, and is very nervous about it given her sensitivities to taste and texture, so I've never asked her for it. Anal sex is not on the table for either one of us for several reasons.
For some further background, I am 44, she's 42. This has been an issue for all of her life. She's been in other relationships, but has never had intercourse with previous lovers, both because of pain and because of her Christian beliefs and a desire to wait for marriage. I am her first husband. She and I have never had intercourse due to the pain.
The pain is not constant. She can sit, stand, walk, do everything in life without vaginal pain. The only time there is pain is when attempting to actually insert anything into the vagina. This includes circumstances other than sexual activity, e.g., suppositories to treat yeast infection, insertion of a speculum during a Pap smear, etc. This is why I suspect vaginismus is the culprit.
The next step in terms of medical intervention is physical therapy, and while I am open to trying anything, I am not hopeful for this particular modality. I have a suspicion that the issue is neurological, for a few reasons. First, she has sensitivities to other nonsexual touch. Examples include an aversion to certain textures, as well as her dislike for gentler touch. If I forget and I accidentally gently touch her on the arm, for example, she cringes and says that it tickles and itches her. I have to be very conscious to provide deeper touch. I'm not sure whether this is related to her premature birth, though I've read some studies that suggest that being born prematurely can cause this sort of thing. I myself was born prematurely (it's the reason for my lack of sight), but thankfully touch is not a problem for me.
Secondly, the pain she describes when attempting vaginal penetration sounds much more neurological in nature to me. She describes it as "burning" or "stinging." There's no throb or aching component, which is more commonly seen with musculoskeletal pain. The pain seems to be limited to the introitus (the initial vaginal opening) exclusively. This, too, makes me suspect a neurological issue, either hypersensitization of the nerves here, or perhaps an overabundance of them.
Finally, we tried some topical anesthetic, which is listed as a possible modality for this sort of thing. Instead of actually lessening the pain, it seemed to increase it, which again strikes me as a neurological issue. Because initial penetration is so painful to her, I cannot provide information on deeper stimulation within the vaginal canal.
To be fair, there are articles that suggest that vaginismus is caused by tightening of muscles, perhaps spasms, so maybe PT will be beneficial, at least to some extent. And even if it's not effective for this, it might help with other things. I'm open; I'm just not massively hopeful. Neurological issues are much harder to treat, and don't seem to respond as well to PT. Neither of us are giving up, though.
I apologize in advance if my question seems strange. I love her hands on me, but sometimes I miss the full body feeling of being completely joined and entwined while thrusting into my lover. I miss that total body connection, the intimacy of being able to hold each other close, kissing and touching, while making deep, slow love.
I've done research into some toys, and I found some things called "strokers" (apologize for the crudeness), or "male masturbators". Apparently these are sleeves that are made to feel like vaginas that the man thrusts into. I've never used one in the past, but I am open to new things, especially if I can use them to further intimacy with the woman I love with all of my heart.
Has anyone here ever used any of these things? If so, are there any that could perhaps be worn in some way by my wife to keep it in place, or somehow held in place, so that I could thrust into it like I would if I could enter her, either from above in missionary position, or holding each other face to face from the side maybe? ? My goal is for us to be able to leave our hands completely free to touch and to hold each other while I take pleasure, or find a way to simultaneously pleasure one another.
Please understand, I'm not at all suggesting that my wife doesn't please me. But both of us crave the intimacy and connection that comes with full physical contact. We differ in size in both weight and height. I'm 5-7, she's 5-2 at most. I'm quite a bit slimmer than she is. Her arms are much shorter than mine, so It's hard to get in a position where she can use her hands to pleasure me, or for us to mutually pleasure one another, while being able to hold each other at the same time. Usually, I will pleasure her first (I've always believed that the woman comes first), and then she will pleasure me. I'd love it if somehow we could pleasure each other simultaneously, or at the very least, I could pleasure her, and then find a way to take my own pleasure in a position where we could hold each other close. I thought of the aforementioned toys, because if I was able to somehow keep them in place and use them, it would leave our hands free for other things.
She definitely wants the total experience of fully being able to make love, and while we are exploring treatment options for her, it could be a long time before we'll ever be able to actually have intercourse, and based on what I've read, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to. Apparently treatment is very hard to get right, and outcomes seem spotty at best. So this could theoretically be a potential way to get as close to it as possible, without causing pain for her. It's not perfect, of course, but she can at the very least experience the emotional pleasures of feeling her body accepting the weight of her husband, sher can have the feel of my movements against her while I kiss her deeply and whisper words of love, she'd be able to hold me close, heartbeat to heartbeat while I find my pleasure. And I need those things, too.
One final thing: For the record, I want to be very clear here. I've never, ever pressured her for anything, and I never, ever will. I'd never, ever ruin the beautiful gift of sexual love in that way. It would demean me, her, and God. I also want to be clear that this is not a one-sided issue. I don't want the belief to be that I'm a selfish man, or that I'm the only one wanting this. She craves the ability to have intercourse with me as much as I do, maybe more in some respects. She's said before that there have been times she's wanted to just ignore the pain and ask me to fully make love to her. I would have refused, of course, but that's not the point. She has said that it's one thing to wait for marriage, but she shouldn't be forced to remain a virgin because of pain. I wholeheartedly agree. This just makes me incredibly sad for her, for both of us. I want to share the joy of becoming one with her in every way. It breaks my heart to think I may never get to experience that with the one woman that has ever truly loved me. And every woman should get to experience the beauty of sex without pain at least once in their life. It breaks my heart to think that she may never know the joy of being fully made love to by the person God gave to her.
Moreover, I'm not at all suggesting that I'm dissatisfied with her, or that I'm not happy in our relationship overall, or anything of the sort. She's my miracle, and I love her more than I'll ever be able to express in any language. We are both craving the ability to join fully the way God intended, or to get as close as humanly possible if we can't find a solution for the pain. Becoming one flesh with your wife when your body is inside of her, skin to skin, heart to heart, soul to soul, is one of the most beautiful gifts that God has given us. I sincerely hope that we can find a way for her to experience that, even if only once. And in the interim, even if I can't be inside of her, I'd love to find a way to be fully connected, body to body, during loving. Touch is very, very important to both of us. It's the primary way that we experience the world since we are unable to see. I have found in my experience that it is even more important during lovemaking. It conveys so many things. For example, touch for me is the equivalent of being abled to see the love in my partner's eyes. It lets me know where her body is, how close she is to release, how she's feeling at any given moment. Often, I am able to sense her impending release before she is even aware of it.
I apologize for all of the medical jargon in this post. I was a medical transcriptionist for close to a decade, so it's just second nature to me. Any help is appreciated. I'm posting this here in the hopes that there are some women here who have dealt with this sort of thing and can offer suggestions, either with respect to help with the pain, or with workarounds that would allow full-body contact. Perhaps there are other men who have dealt with, or are dealing with, this issue, and would have suggestions as well. If you do have suggestions for positions and/or toys, please describe in words. Pictures are not helpful, as we are both completely blind. Thank you for your help and your understanding. May God bless you, and may your relationships and marriages be full of His grace and His love.
For some further background, I am 44, she's 42. This has been an issue for all of her life. She's been in other relationships, but has never had intercourse with previous lovers, both because of pain and because of her Christian beliefs and a desire to wait for marriage. I am her first husband. She and I have never had intercourse due to the pain.
The pain is not constant. She can sit, stand, walk, do everything in life without vaginal pain. The only time there is pain is when attempting to actually insert anything into the vagina. This includes circumstances other than sexual activity, e.g., suppositories to treat yeast infection, insertion of a speculum during a Pap smear, etc. This is why I suspect vaginismus is the culprit.
The next step in terms of medical intervention is physical therapy, and while I am open to trying anything, I am not hopeful for this particular modality. I have a suspicion that the issue is neurological, for a few reasons. First, she has sensitivities to other nonsexual touch. Examples include an aversion to certain textures, as well as her dislike for gentler touch. If I forget and I accidentally gently touch her on the arm, for example, she cringes and says that it tickles and itches her. I have to be very conscious to provide deeper touch. I'm not sure whether this is related to her premature birth, though I've read some studies that suggest that being born prematurely can cause this sort of thing. I myself was born prematurely (it's the reason for my lack of sight), but thankfully touch is not a problem for me.
Secondly, the pain she describes when attempting vaginal penetration sounds much more neurological in nature to me. She describes it as "burning" or "stinging." There's no throb or aching component, which is more commonly seen with musculoskeletal pain. The pain seems to be limited to the introitus (the initial vaginal opening) exclusively. This, too, makes me suspect a neurological issue, either hypersensitization of the nerves here, or perhaps an overabundance of them.
Finally, we tried some topical anesthetic, which is listed as a possible modality for this sort of thing. Instead of actually lessening the pain, it seemed to increase it, which again strikes me as a neurological issue. Because initial penetration is so painful to her, I cannot provide information on deeper stimulation within the vaginal canal.
To be fair, there are articles that suggest that vaginismus is caused by tightening of muscles, perhaps spasms, so maybe PT will be beneficial, at least to some extent. And even if it's not effective for this, it might help with other things. I'm open; I'm just not massively hopeful. Neurological issues are much harder to treat, and don't seem to respond as well to PT. Neither of us are giving up, though.
I apologize in advance if my question seems strange. I love her hands on me, but sometimes I miss the full body feeling of being completely joined and entwined while thrusting into my lover. I miss that total body connection, the intimacy of being able to hold each other close, kissing and touching, while making deep, slow love.
I've done research into some toys, and I found some things called "strokers" (apologize for the crudeness), or "male masturbators". Apparently these are sleeves that are made to feel like vaginas that the man thrusts into. I've never used one in the past, but I am open to new things, especially if I can use them to further intimacy with the woman I love with all of my heart.
Has anyone here ever used any of these things? If so, are there any that could perhaps be worn in some way by my wife to keep it in place, or somehow held in place, so that I could thrust into it like I would if I could enter her, either from above in missionary position, or holding each other face to face from the side maybe? ? My goal is for us to be able to leave our hands completely free to touch and to hold each other while I take pleasure, or find a way to simultaneously pleasure one another.
Please understand, I'm not at all suggesting that my wife doesn't please me. But both of us crave the intimacy and connection that comes with full physical contact. We differ in size in both weight and height. I'm 5-7, she's 5-2 at most. I'm quite a bit slimmer than she is. Her arms are much shorter than mine, so It's hard to get in a position where she can use her hands to pleasure me, or for us to mutually pleasure one another, while being able to hold each other at the same time. Usually, I will pleasure her first (I've always believed that the woman comes first), and then she will pleasure me. I'd love it if somehow we could pleasure each other simultaneously, or at the very least, I could pleasure her, and then find a way to take my own pleasure in a position where we could hold each other close. I thought of the aforementioned toys, because if I was able to somehow keep them in place and use them, it would leave our hands free for other things.
She definitely wants the total experience of fully being able to make love, and while we are exploring treatment options for her, it could be a long time before we'll ever be able to actually have intercourse, and based on what I've read, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to. Apparently treatment is very hard to get right, and outcomes seem spotty at best. So this could theoretically be a potential way to get as close to it as possible, without causing pain for her. It's not perfect, of course, but she can at the very least experience the emotional pleasures of feeling her body accepting the weight of her husband, sher can have the feel of my movements against her while I kiss her deeply and whisper words of love, she'd be able to hold me close, heartbeat to heartbeat while I find my pleasure. And I need those things, too.
One final thing: For the record, I want to be very clear here. I've never, ever pressured her for anything, and I never, ever will. I'd never, ever ruin the beautiful gift of sexual love in that way. It would demean me, her, and God. I also want to be clear that this is not a one-sided issue. I don't want the belief to be that I'm a selfish man, or that I'm the only one wanting this. She craves the ability to have intercourse with me as much as I do, maybe more in some respects. She's said before that there have been times she's wanted to just ignore the pain and ask me to fully make love to her. I would have refused, of course, but that's not the point. She has said that it's one thing to wait for marriage, but she shouldn't be forced to remain a virgin because of pain. I wholeheartedly agree. This just makes me incredibly sad for her, for both of us. I want to share the joy of becoming one with her in every way. It breaks my heart to think I may never get to experience that with the one woman that has ever truly loved me. And every woman should get to experience the beauty of sex without pain at least once in their life. It breaks my heart to think that she may never know the joy of being fully made love to by the person God gave to her.
Moreover, I'm not at all suggesting that I'm dissatisfied with her, or that I'm not happy in our relationship overall, or anything of the sort. She's my miracle, and I love her more than I'll ever be able to express in any language. We are both craving the ability to join fully the way God intended, or to get as close as humanly possible if we can't find a solution for the pain. Becoming one flesh with your wife when your body is inside of her, skin to skin, heart to heart, soul to soul, is one of the most beautiful gifts that God has given us. I sincerely hope that we can find a way for her to experience that, even if only once. And in the interim, even if I can't be inside of her, I'd love to find a way to be fully connected, body to body, during loving. Touch is very, very important to both of us. It's the primary way that we experience the world since we are unable to see. I have found in my experience that it is even more important during lovemaking. It conveys so many things. For example, touch for me is the equivalent of being abled to see the love in my partner's eyes. It lets me know where her body is, how close she is to release, how she's feeling at any given moment. Often, I am able to sense her impending release before she is even aware of it.
I apologize for all of the medical jargon in this post. I was a medical transcriptionist for close to a decade, so it's just second nature to me. Any help is appreciated. I'm posting this here in the hopes that there are some women here who have dealt with this sort of thing and can offer suggestions, either with respect to help with the pain, or with workarounds that would allow full-body contact. Perhaps there are other men who have dealt with, or are dealing with, this issue, and would have suggestions as well. If you do have suggestions for positions and/or toys, please describe in words. Pictures are not helpful, as we are both completely blind. Thank you for your help and your understanding. May God bless you, and may your relationships and marriages be full of His grace and His love.
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