[TXguy]

I'm only 46 years young, and my lovely wife is chronically ill, and pretty much is never up for the sex thing any more. I'm more or less in a caregiver role. She's been vomiting daily for 2 years now. Been to every doctor and medical center conceivable. This is now our reality.

It REALLY sucks! I take care of myself, am financially successful, and just never dreamed I'd be in this place in my 40s. 60s possibly, 70s maybe, but I'm only 46 years old!!

And I really miss sex!! You guys and gals better be thankful for your health. Just ranting a little.

Thanks for listening.

[Stillness]

What's her illness? How old is she? Is she unable or just unwilling?

[TXguy]

What's her illness? How old is she? Is she unable or just unwilling?

It's a lot more complicated than that.

Would you have sex with your child or a parent? Of course not.

In a marriage, you usually start out the relationship with two people that are attracted to each other - physically and emotionally - and sex is the ultimate unifying act.

But when one of the partners becomes chronically ill, the other partner then slips into a "caregiver" role. It's quite like a parent taking care of a child. Constantly checking on them, monitoring them, protecting them, etc. So the relationship fundamentally changes.

When that happens, sex isn't really a viable option any more, because it feels unnatural, forced, animalistic. Do you really want to "have sex" with someone that you are a caregiver for, who you know full well does NOT feel like having sex, usually looks and feels like crap, and you know is puking up their guts several times a day?

Basically you're just saying "I need something to screw, and this is a live body I can do it with", because essentially that's what you've got.

It's not something to look forward to at all. In fact, it's rather gross.

I'm not asking for sympathies or solutions - trust me we have exhausted every avenue on the health issue.

I will admit it's sometimes difficult when you see healthy, 40 something attractive women walking around, but that's just the human side.

When you take your vows, it is for SICKNESS and health. Fortunately, most don't have to deal with the SICKNESS part until way, way later in life. I'm just depressed because I am in the prime of my life right now, and I know full well that this is my lot quite possibly for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. No longer in a "romantic" way because of all of this and the fact that I'm now more or less a caregiver. But love her because I respect her and care for her, and love her for what's inside.

Make sense?

[BabyGirl]

Excuse me TX Guy .
But your response to Stillness was Rude and uncalled for in my opinion.
All he asked was

Stillness
What's her illness? How old is she? Is she unable or just unwilling?

Stillness is a regular and well respected member of WH , Even though I don't always agree with him , his heart is in the right place .

He was asking so as to give us others some information.on how to help you .
Thousands of readers come here .
One or more may have the same Medical Condition ( Illness ) that your wife does, Or have dealt with it .

Your post to Stillness was an attack on him, with no valid Grounds .

It's a lot more complicated than that.

Would you have sex with your child or a parent? Of course not.

In a marriage, you usually start out the relationship with two people that are attracted to each other - physically and emotionally - and sex is the ultimate unifying act.

But when one of the partners becomes chronically ill, the other partner then slips into a "caregiver" role. It's quite like a parent taking care of a child. Constantly checking on them, monitoring them, protecting them, etc. So the relationship fundamentally changes.

When that happens, sex isn't really a viable option any more, because it feels unnatural, forced, animalistic. Do you really want to "have sex" with someone that you are a caregiver for, who you know full well does NOT feel like having sex, usually looks and feels like crap, and you know is puking up their guts several times a day?

Basically you're just saying "I need something to screw, and this is a live body I can do it with", because essentially that's what you've got.

It's not something to look forward to at all. In fact, it's rather gross.

I'm not asking for sympathies or solutions - trust me we have exhausted every avenue on the health issue.

I will admit it's sometimes difficult when you see healthy, 40 something attractive women walking around, but that's just the human side.

When you take your vows, it is for SICKNESS and health. Fortunately, most don't have to deal with the SICKNESS part until way, way later in life. I'm just depressed because I am in the prime of my life right now, and I know full well that this is my lot quite possibly for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. No longer in a "romantic" way because of all of this and the fact that I'm now more or less a caregiver. But love her because I respect her and care for her, and love her for what's inside.

Make sense?

What would make sense is to talk with a Medical/ Mental / Marriage Counselor about this problem. And possibly to your wife about deciding you could meet your Sexual needs elsewhere , Hooker or something. That does not take away from your Wife or your Love of her. Just your Physical needs .

I'm not asking for sympathies or solutions - trust me we have exhausted every avenue on the health issue.

What exactly did you come here for ?

[TXguy]

Oh my, I didn't mean it as an attack at all. I was just trying to explain the situation a little better. My apologies.

[DreamP346]

TXguy, I didn't think you were being rude, but I do agree with BG that you should look into talking with your wife about other alternatives. There is open marriage, polyamory, prostitution, etc. Part of marriage is compromising. You have compromised based on your wife's medical condition, it would only make sense that she compromise on your sexual needs.

[TXguy]

TXguy, I didn't think you were being rude, but I do agree with BG that you should look into talking with your wife about other alternatives. There is open marriage, polyamory, prostitution, etc. Part of marriage is compromising. You have compromised based on your wife's medical condition, it would only make sense that she compromise on your sexual needs.

It would kill her if I even broached the subject of her not meeting my needs. I just couldn't do it.

There is an idea propagated these days that we MUST share ALL of our feelings with our loved ones, even if those "feelings" are extremely hurtful. I disagree. I think it's selfish to spill all of our personal dirty laundry out on someone, just so that we can feel better about it all.

I think as grown adults, we need to sometimes keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

Good debate topic I guess!

[BabyGirl]

TX Guy ,
Apology is accepted, but should be to Stillness , not me ..
I'm a bit Defensive of our Members .


If we can read your Concerns through, more as How you are Feeling .. We Do understand .

Maybe use the I word instead of the " You " word, when others respond and you respond to them .

All I can give here is do some research on Christopher Reeves and his Wife Dana .
They had it all , when he was Crippled, They Still had it All . All the Love and no Sex.

Because their Hearts knew their love was forever .

How they handled their Sexual life,was their own personal battle . And they stayed until Death they did Part .

I know, that they found a Way,and it was out of Love for each other . Chris knew that Dana was a Beautiful woman with needs . That's how deep their Emotional Soul Love was .

You can find one too .

[TXguy]

Yeah, you do have to find that deeper love.

There are times though when you look up and think "wow this kinda sucks."

That's life.

I think what I have had to do personally is just sort of write the idea of sex off. If you don't do that, and hang on to hope that things might change, you are just making it worse. Make sense?

[PinkySweet]

Get over it dude. My husbands going to deploy soon and I wont see him for at least 8 months.

If something was to happen to him and disable him the last thing that would be on my mind is sex. I married him, its a life commitment. Thru sickness and health.