[Guest]

I joined this forum specifically to see if I was crazy or not.

Absolutely not!

He's allowed to be friends with whomever he wants, right?

Sure he is

Can a relationship last with no trust?

I don't think so, The 1st wife and I tried to salvage a marriage that was built on mistrust from both of us, it didn't and couldn't work, it was miserable for both of us. It went to far and beyond repair. I'm just giving my own experience.

The truth is i think an open relationship is the best one. I think that should just make the relationship stronger

On his part he needs to be perfectly open and so do you, to me that is providing the trust that both of you need.

I have been dating my current (first and only) boyfriend for 4 years now.

This concerns me, only because you have to remember 1st and only will provide tho't of curiosity and the desire to have more friends of the opposite sex and the more friends 1 will have of the opposite sex the more the odds are for 1 to hook up with somebody they feel is more compatible. I'm not trying to discourage you but "joys" opinion of you getting out and making more male friends is a very good idea. Not that you'd be looking for someone else but since he is 1st and only you just might find he's not the only fish in the tank! I'm definitely not suggesting cheating. Your young, don't lock yourself up in a box. The world is an oyster and you sound like one of the pearls! Like my daughter. Good Luck!

[WildChild]

Why are you so insecure in the relationship? Something is going on either with you or between you. Either he is worthy of your trust and you give it freely or he is not worthy of it and you move on. If the problem lies with you and you are unable to trust you need to figure out why and deal with it. Plugging into this drama does no one any good.

[Panda890]

You're not crazy.
I promise.

After four years I'm assuming you know this guy really well. You know when he's acting weird and when he's flirting. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and I've been in a similar position as you. His ex girlfriend used to text him all the time, saying she missed him and inviting him to parties. I used to get so jealous, it would make me physically sick, I would cry at night about it, and would constantly feel like he was comparing me or that she was still a big part of his life. I wanted her gone. He didnt know it upset me so much until I told him. It took me freaking out and saying that he had to choose to A) lose me and keep letting her be creepy and talk to him...or B) choose me and cut her compleatly out of his life. He choose B. I had to tell him what I wanted. Boys dont pick up on jealousy very well until they see what it does to you. If he cares and he sees what hes doing hurts you, he will stop because ultimatly boys want to take care of what they care about, and fix any problems.

Trust me, just tell him exactly how you feel. It will show you who the real person inside him is.

[Panda890]

It not controlling for you to set boundries. If something he does makes you uncomfortable, tell him to stop reguardless if it is physical or emotional. If he refuses, then he does not respect you.

I would never let my boyfriend go alone to some random chicks apartment or burn her mix cds. Im not controlling, because I know if I did that he would feel horrible.

[Uneeklyme]

Orrrr.... ask to go along. When he goes to her apartment for a math session ask if you can join him. I believe that men and women can be friends and jealousy is evil but he is doing something to make you uncomfortable. You need to tell him your uncomfortable. He cant fix what he doesnt know about. So, let him know how you feel but talk to him in a mature and unaccusing way. Let him know this is how YOU feel not what you think HE is doing then compramise. Ask to join him sometimes when he is hanging out with her. If he is not ok with that then you have every right to be suspicious. If he is ok with that, hang out with them and let yourself see what happens.

[missjanuary]

I personally wouldn't be very comfortable with my boyfriend having constant contact with any woman other than family. It's called respecting your relationship and the person you are sharing it with. I would want to know what is so fascinating about her that he goes to her apartment and texts her any opportunity he gets. Is your relationship lacking anything that you may have noticed? Do you two communicate as much?

[max'swife92305]

i've been in a relationship with my boy friend 4 3 years and 4 months.. and i occasionally check his stuff not because im jelous just because i kno hes a great guy and im lucky 2 have met some1 like him and im scared of losing him.. trust is very important in a relationship no matter wat any1 else says... sweety i got 1 word of advice 2 u.. if he's gonna cheat on u he will do it eventually.. dont hold on and b clingy cuz that will only push him away
its better to find out sooner than later if hes doing it u would want to waste more of ur life with him if hes going to b like that.. imagine 5 years from now u have kids and than he cheats you'll feel torn and heart-broken and feel like ur life is all a joke u get me.. nd if he does it now than u already kno he's gonna do it again.. trust me from experience once a player ALWAYs a player good luck in ur situation n i hope this guy luvs u and if just a friend.. o0oh and another advice how about u try hanging out with them its worth a shot.. his friends can also b ur friend right?

[rcoreyus]

I'm going to be disagreeing with almost all the other posts in this thread. Trust is vital in a relationship - and if you snoop on someone you don't trust them. The old Cold War "Trust but Verify" is meaningless. If you need to verify, then you are not trusting.

My wife trust me absolutely. On several occasions I have spent nights in hotels with other women to save hotel costs when on travel. (those of you who know me know I'm pretty wealthy, but some of my friends are not). I have several female friends I stay in close contact with.

I trust her absolutely. She has a male friend who visits at our house even when I am out of town. I've found his shampoo bottle in the shower. I assume he was running (which he does) and wanted to take a shower when he got here (He's done this when I am around). She goes on business trips with male co-workers - and has even commented that one of them is really cute. That's fine - she is welcome to appreciate his aesthetic qualities - I'm sure she doesn't do any more than that.

Heck we once found a pack of condoms (which we don't use) in the back of one of our cars. It was after a multi-day driving trip with a male friend and we both just assumed they had fallen out of his luggage.

We've both done things that look VERY suspicious. But - I've never cheated (despite ample opportunity - and physical desire), and as far as I know, she has not either. There are a number of reasons I don't cheat, but one of them is that she trusts me, and I would not betray that trust.

But - if the trust disappeared, if she started reading my mail, cell records, etc, that constraint would vanish. There would be other reasons not to cheat, but the trust would be gone. In fact there would be a temptation to cheat just to prove that I was clever enough to get away with it.

If you think your SO is cheating - leave. If you spy on them, you will eventually find something, so why delay the inevitable.

[vintage_butterfly]

I strongly feel that text messages are personal and that no one has the right to go through my personal possessions whether or not they're my SO or not. You're not trusting your boyfriend of four years and creating an awkward situation that may not even be necessary. You need to sit down and talk with your boyfriend. Explain that you feel your relationship is important to you and you're uncomfortable by how much time he spends with the co-worker.

You may also talk to her yourself. Not behind his back or anything, but with his knowledge. You may find you also like her and trust her as well. Everyone needs a good friend and that could be exactly what she is to your boyfriend.

Jealousy isn't an uncommon thing in a relationship because there is always the fear another woman could take what we have, but don't take it to the extreme. Going through his personal messages is wrong and violates his privacy. Everyone has the right to that I strongly believe. Good luck.

[nc23]

I think trust is really important in a relationship. I understand why you wanted to go through his texts and facebook but it's still a big invasion of privacy. In my opinion you should be honest with him and tell him you're concerned. He needs to be honest with you about their relationship as well. I really don't think you should tell him not to be friends with her or even to talk to her less though. Just tell him how you feel, see how he reacts and go from there. I understand your paranoia and don't blame you for worrying.