[LanaBear]

I'm trying to imagine what it feels like if I don't relax. I'm guessing painful but then everything is a surprise to me here, so who knows what it will feel like.

Kind of like you hit a wall maybe. HAHA - no, just kidding. Can't really explain it I guess.

[Amber]

Kind of like you hit a wall maybe. HAHA - no, just kidding. Can't really explain it I guess.

Ouch! LOL

[LanaBear]

Ouch! LOL

Aw, man, I was hoping for the 'Oh, holy crp' reaction. lol

[Texinator]

I like that one. My hips are on a search. Well, my hips are going to have to stretch real far because there is no guy anywhere close.

Guys aren't the only ones with two 'brains'. Little Amber has a mind of her own. Just wait until you finally tap into what she's thinking. First you'll be 'Oh, holy sh*t!' and then when you understand you'll be 'Oh, good sh*t!

[Texinator]

Woops, forgot this little gem..

It makes you want to scream for some reason!!

Go for it! Be vocal about what you feel. Moan or scream. Whatever you feel like. You might very well find that it adds to the arousal.

[Amber]

Things get complicated come Friday. There is something I haven't mentioned before. I just let you guys assume and didn't correct you because I feel embarassed and ashamed of myself for it. And I know guys probably hate this because it means I'm not independant. But it is sort of a form of lying and I hate that. I have been honest with everything else. I'm sick and tired of holding this back.

Insanely enough, at 36 years old, I still live at home with my parents. Yep, I know this is pathetic. The reason leads through a whole chain of events. I guess it starts with college. Never knew what I wanted to be and I ended up just going to a junior college for secretarial. My mother was always over protective of me and through high school I was sort of shy. Even if I had found something I wanted to go into at that time, I don't think I would have had the courage to go away to school. And I have no clue what my mother would had said about it. Not that, that should matter but it never came to that.

Then after the first year of junior college, I started the ballroom dancing. I finished school and got a full time job. For a while there, I just never thought of moving out. Then I would say probably around 2002 or so, my dancing friends started to tell me that I should find a place for myself. Easy for them to say because they were all married with two incomes come in, but that is beside the point. But at that time I lacked self-asteem and it scared me. Stupid not to fight that fear but I had my way over protective mother not wanting me to leave. I did look into how much it would cost and the only way I would have been able to afford it was to give up all social life completely. Only then maybe I would have had enough money to eat. So I waited a year and look into it again. The only other way to afford it was to have a roommate. I had no close girlfrends to move in with and the thought of moving in with a stranger scared me. What with my mother telling me all these horror stories of what could happen. My mother has always had this sort of control over me, like she puts a sort of fear in me and I'm too pathetically stupid to defy her on it.

2003 came and I had about nine months of a bad case of tendonitis in my right ankle. I could barely walk. I was in a walking cast for a few months there. The thought of moving out just left my mind. I had about three months of just being normal again, until the neuromas in my feet came on. I could walk about ten minutes before my foot would be on fire. 2004 I had two foot surgeries. Since they are cutting the nerves, it was suppose to take about nine months before I could walk comfortable even short period of time. But walking didn't get any easier because the neuromas grew back. In 2005 I had a second surgery on my right foot, cutting into the bottom of the foot this time, which takes over a year to heal. And then 2006, I had a second surgery on my left foot. 2007, I thought I was going to celebrate not having a surgery. Wrong. I had major knee surgery. My patella tendon was not lined up properly so they had to cut the bone and screw it back into the correct place.

Summer of 2008, I finally felt as normal as possible. First year with no surgery and finally recovering from the knee surgery. At that time, my dancing friends told me to move out again. I still wouldn't have been able to live comfortably on my own but I also had it in my head that I would find a guy and maybe move in with him. It didn't really matter because about three months later, I was laid off from my job. And thankfully, I hadn't moved out because I wouldn't have been able to pay the rent. I have been laid of since. Still looking for that job and no one is going to rent to me now. If I got a part time job, it can't be anything that requires me to stand up for longer than thirty minutes to an hour in one place. My knees and feet would give out.

I'm not trying to make excuses here. I'm just showing you my reasoning here, as lame as it may be. My ex didn't mind that I still lived with my parents. After all, he had his ex-girlfriend in his place so he couldn't complain too much. That was his excuse of it not bothering him.

Guys like women who are independant. So I hate that I'm not independant. Right now I'm just trying to find that job before I can even consider moving out. And it has to be a stable one because I can't have one that last two months and then laid off again. Because I will be in trouble if I do.

Well, the reason why I spilled the beans is my parents are away on vacation this week. The freedom has been wonderful. But when they come back, my only privacy is my own room. I have to make sure I control my screaming.

I hate living at home. It does no good for my self asteem. That is for sure but I'm not about to go out there to find a place when I'm still laid off. I have heard it from my dancing friends and then some other friends that I had on a chatroom before. You need to move out. Well, unlike all them, I'm not married, so that means only one income will be coming in. But I need the job before I can do that and the economy sucks. I can't find that job. Job has to come first.

I'm going to press the submit button before I chicken out.

[Texinator]

Not an issue.

[Amber]

Not an issue.

I thought you said guys like independant women. So be honest. Wouldn't something like that turn you away from a women. Not that we are more than just friends but still.

[Texinator]

Depends on the reason. If she's living at home cause she's lazy and stupid and needs mommy and daddy to take care of her.. that's a turnoff.

But other than that it's not an issue. Some people have financial reasons, some have to take care of a parent, and some just get along with their family very well. I don't buy into the idea that you're a loser if you aren't out the door on your 18th birthday.

[Amber]

Depends on the reason. If she's living at home cause she's lazy and stupid and needs mommy and daddy to take care of her.. that's a turnoff.

But other than that it's not an issue. Some people have financial reasons, some have to take care of a parent, and some just get along with their family very well. I don't buy into the idea that you're a loser if you aren't out the door on your 18th birthday.

Thanks Tex. I think I needed to hear that from you.