[Amber]

That is what it is going to have to be because I don't want it. I want to be able to call it love, not sex, the next time I'm with a guy. And what I mean by that is not that he has to declare his love for me but he needs to have real feelings for me. I want it to be special. That means a lot to me. But I really need to have that orgasm first so I don't freak out on the next guy. Something that is proving to be a real challenge for me!!

I just got my Black Dagger Brotherhood book set in the mail today. It is written by J.R. Ward and it is a vampire erotic series. I'm a vampire freak lately. The set gives you the first six books of the series. I got it for half price from Barnes and Noble.

[Amber]

Actually I just got another email from my fwb friend. He told me he was going to an event near where he lives tomorrow night and I should go also. I told him I would pass because I have plans already. It is true. I do and it is to a restaurant that is about five minutes from where I live. His event would have been an hour a way. If that was my ex when I was dating him, I would have gone that hour drive. Probably for this friend also when I was sharing benefits with him but not now. I'm better off going to the event I originally planned. Friday I'm traveling about an hour for an event anyways.

[Texinator]

How's your foot today?

[Amber]

I haven't exercised yet today so I'll tell you after I do. I didn't exercise yesterday. It hurts a very little off and on today right where the scar is on the bottom of my foot. If that is all it was, I wouldn't care. I can easily stand pain. But if this is the beginning of another tumor, the pain won't stay small. I'm glad I'm seeing my podiatrist next week. I'm praying he can give me good news. I guess they say, three strikes and you are out. Yep, three surgeries can't happen with my foot if I want to continue walking!!

It also could be that the sneakers I'm trying to break in is effecting it. The only sneaker that is comfortable is about three years old. I wear orthotics and sneakers are no longer wide enough to fit them. A nightmare in itself. So my podiatrist made an orthotic that fits this new sneaker but it is not nearly as comfortable as my regular orthotics. At times my feet actually hurts with these new sneakers. I may not be able to break them in and if that is the case, I'm in trouble. Because there are no sneakers out there, even without orthotics that are comforable. Everything I find doesn't have enough cushion or doesn't have enough depth room in the ball and toe area. It pushes down on the ball of my feet and hurt.

[Amber]

Well, I modified my knee exercises some. Not as hard on my feet, but not as much of a workout for my knee either. My left foot is actually bothering me a little but that is my worse foot of the two anyways. I have left over scar tissue from the last surgery that doesn't want to break up in that foot. It is the right foot that is scaring me. It seems it survived better tonight so who knows.

My doctor knows how to touch it and where to feel it to tell what it happening inside. I never can do it just right and sometimes I don't even want to try. I'll hopefully know next week what is happening.

[Texinator]

I haven't exercised yet today so I'll tell you after I do. I didn't exercise yesterday. It hurts a very little off and on today right where the scar is on the bottom of my foot. If that is all it was, I wouldn't care. I can easily stand pain. But if this is the beginning of another tumor, the pain won't stay small.

Were the previous tumors benign or cancerous?

Sometimes scars act up and hurt and itch. Maybe that's all it is in your case.

[Amber]

I was looking at different event clubs tonight and I saw one that my ex runs. I look at it a few minutes later and it is marked as private. Private means you have to be a member of that group to see the calendar. I know he made his group private because of me. There is no other reason for it.

It is the best thing for him to do but it still hurts like (EDIT) I dropped out of it when he broke it off. It doesn't hurt because I can no longer see the calendar. It hurts because once again he is doing a good job of moving on and I'm not. He doesn't want me to see it because he will be going back to places that we went to together. Even more, there is a place that is a few miles from where I live but I won't know when he is there. Maybe there is another reason why he made it private but something tells me there isn't. There is no other reason. He has had that group for quite a while now and has never had a need for it to be private before now. Maybe I don't have the exact reasons right but I know it must involve me.

I can rejoin but if I did, it obviously would have to be as friends. And there is no way that I'm there yet. I just finished crying a few minutes ago. Why, because it hurts. It hurts to know he will be going back to those places that are now special to me. It also hurts because it is just that reminder that he is over me and I'm not. Why can't I be over him??? I'm so sick and tired of this. I want to be over him. I just can't make myself do it!!

[Amber]

Were the previous tumors benign or cancerous?

Sometimes scars act up and hurt and itch. Maybe that's all it is in your case.

They always test them but they are usually never cancerous. Obviously that is good but it if a tumor is growing, it won't make the pain any less. Neuromas is when the nerves in your foot because inflammed and scar tissues grows between the third and fourth toe on the nerve. When I had the last tumors in me before they came out, I was lucky I could walk for fifteen minutes without being in a lot of pain. Normally, when people have the tumor out, scar tissue develops again because the nerves are cut to remove the tumor from it. But this scar tissue normally breaks up easy for the patient. But for some reason, it doesn't want to break up so pain continues. And for me, the tumor grew back after it was taken out. But so far I have been lucky for them not to grow back again after the second surgeries. We thought it was growing back in the left foot for a while there but realized it must be the scar tissue from the surgery.

Yes, it could easily be that the scar is just hurting. But it also could be something worse and because of that, it is driving me crazy wondering if it is serious or not. I have had really bad luck with these feet so it is hard to be positive about it.

[Amber]

I'm always posting here right when I'm in the heat of things. Right when the tears are falling. Well, I have calmed down some.

I always knew he would start planning more events in his club eventually. But I guess I thought I would knew when those events were even though I wouldn't be going to them. But even though now I will be curious where and when his events will be, it will be better that I don't know. Because it will hurt like to know exactly when he is going to those events. Because that night I will be thinking of how he is there having a great time and I'm not there. I did stupidly look at two of the places we went to and saw that they are having blues the weekend of the 15th. Now, I wish I never did that. But I did that before I thought he may be there. He may not but I won't know for sure.

I have to continue trying to move on. I have to stop caring what he is doing. I have to forget about him somehow!!!!!!!!

[Amber]

Tomorrow should prove to be quite interesting. Tonight I was in my bedroom with the door closed. the light was on and I was naked lying on my bed. My mother opens the door slightly and says, what you are not a sleep. I say No Ma close the door. What? Close the door Ma, no I"m not asleep. Well, if she has any brains she will put two and two together. The question is hwo she will react to it. One of three ways, pretend that tonight never happened which would be fine by me. Or talk nicely to me about it, which I won't hold my breath on that. Or start screaming at me, that she has thought this over, and hates what I'm doing. I'm a to her after all, remember!

I'm leaning towards one or three. I'm going to pretend nothing happened. How she reacts is the key.

By the way, I got no further than usual tonight. I think when I start to feel some stuff, my knees lock and that distracts me because it hurts. I wish I could find a different position but I don't know of one that is relaxing to me.