[Month36]

I recently moved into my bfs place, and a few weeks ago while he was out of town on business I found something disturbing. I couldn't sleep, and so I started snooping around through a draw in which I know he keeps everything... receipts, old highschool essays, old love notes, picture junk really it's a jumbled mess of his life... I wasn't snooping out of suspiciousion of anything, or really for any reason other than boredom and the fact that I like seeing that kind of stuff. I feel like I learn a little bit more about him. Anyway, I found an unmarked tape of what I thought was his hidden porn collection(which doesn't bother me)... curious I stick it in the the player and what do I find but a sex tape, of him and his highschool sweetheart!!! I feel like I can't be mad at him, because it's not like he's cheating on me. It was an old tape, and I knew about his ex. It was my fault for being nosie...but now I can't close my eyes without seeing it in my head and wanting to throw up. I also can't help but wonder what type of guys keeps that around??! Why is it still in his house!? Maybe he just never throws anything away... but ew! Either way, i'm mortified and not really sure how to fix the situation. Getting angry with him, will just be proof that I am a snoop... I want to destroy the tape, but I don't even want to touch it again. I don't know... any suggestions?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Think like this... Memories of "first time" anything of interest is worth remembering is it not? And, so he's kept it.

He has left it out in the open, that being it's not being hidden under a matress but part of his life.

His life, before you knew him.

If you want to visualise what you saw that's your doing/fault not his and so you can't get angry at him, you did look at something that wasn't yours, instead of asking him to share it with you only to establish you may not like it and it's personal... You have to live with that.

But, remember, it's past and you live with him for a reason, called love.

The other thing you have to consider is your a "girlfriend" not a wife. No one has to destroy anything from their past, one day you may be the past too. See what I mean? So, you kinda don't have a right to even ask him to do that.

Realise that you snooped sweet, so you saw something you didn't like and that happens everytime anyone ever snoops, every time without fail.

When you see that visualisation, remember... He hasn't asked you to do a sex tape, he's not disrespecting you and showing a tape of you and him to his mates, etc... That's worth closing your eyes again and seeing him with you instead.

CW

[WildChild]

I'd say CW covered it nicely.

[Mes T]

See, I wish I could think about things like you guys (CW and WC) do. If I were in that situation I'd get ****ed off and hurt. Maybe this kind of levelheaded-ness comes easier with more and more experience.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Shouldn't we be happy in life? Unless someone deliberately hurts us, then we should always look at the positives and not the negatives, as they will always outway in the long run babe.

Note I am not going to agree with you on the last line, I AM YOUNG.. See? Positive.

[baja]

Whoa, your snooping was wrong, but then again, he should've stashed anything that he felt would not be appropriate for this point in your relationship -- especially now that you've moved in. Of course I can't speak for all men, but many of us keep certain reminders of relationships past (e.g. letters, gifts and other keepsakes).

Definitely not cool to snoop through stuff like that... better to wait for when the time is right and when it is, he'll share it with you. And under no circumstances destroy anything of his regardless of what it is... this shows a complete lack of respect.

[Mes T]

CW, such good and simple words to live by! I think reading posts like yours is already making me less of a psycho in my relationship. (I'm not really that bad though, just to be clear, ha!! I'm a pretty good girlfriend. I hope.)

Can I ask, WHY do people keep some stuff from past relationships around, even when they've found someone new? What's the point in having reminders like that?

I must admit I still have pictures of exs stored somewhere in my computer... But I don't have anything more substantial like love letters or god forbid a sex tape... I just don't really get it...?

[GlitterAndStuds]

I don't know. True, snooping will get you absolutely nowhere except finding the bad thing you're looking for. But I'm not so sure I would be able to ignore and be okay with the fact that there's a tape of my boyfriend having sex with someone, in the house we live in. Granted, it was his place first, but now that both are there, I think that's a good time for some spring cleaning. Like Mes T said, I don't really get why there need to be reminders, especially something like that.

I guess to each their own though, everyone thinks differently about these things. As far as I can think of, I don't still have gifts, memorabilia, or even pictures of any of my exes. Let alone a sex tape. And my boyfriend has always been one to burn bridges once they break up. It IS true that it can be nice to keep these things if you want to look back on different times and have a laugh about it. Nothing wrong with that, but I don't see why it's necessary to keep something like that.

[rcoreyus]

If you ask him to get rid of it, he will probably resent it. I think its harmless - let him have his keepsakes and memories if he wants, he is with you now. Maybe some time you should suggest the 2 of you make a tape and he will forget about the old one?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Can I ask, WHY do people keep some stuff from past relationships around, even when they've found someone new? What's the point in having reminders like that?

I must admit I still have pictures of exs stored somewhere in my computer... But I don't have anything more substantial like love letters or god forbid a sex tape... I just don't really get it...?

Jus as you keep "pictures", "somewhere" in your computer that is still substantial isn't it? A picture tells a thousands words.

You keep things until your "ready" to let go. Let's face it, our mind is our camera, our book, our storer. So, in reality, we don't need anything as we can visualise that old picture, re-run that old movie, but.... Retention rate is different for everyone, how much they absorb, remember, some can't unless they have aN (ACTUAL) visual. Just like some people learn from written and other's from pratical.. I'm a practical.

So why has he kept the video?
Why have you kept the photos!

A memory that was "fun", or a memory that was your "first", makes no difference what the memory was/is... Perhaps you both fall into the catagory of needing physical visual, perhaps in his instance he wants to feel he was "hot", an actor, nothing to do with the girl. His claim to fame.

Who knows, we are all different in our make-up...