[DennyJ]

I guess I might be a rareity, but I appreciate all kinds of strong women, not just in a SO relationship. Many of the women in my family are very strong, particularly my mother and my grandmothers. My grandmother are both gone now, but I learned many things from both of them. I work in construction, and I have worked for and with several women with varing degrees of competency. Competency is what I value most at work, regardless of gender. In an SO relationship I would much rather be wanted than needed. To me, two strong people that want to be in a relationship, not to dominate, but to work together as a team, is the ideal situation.

[Allie602]

I am a successful in a career that is largely male. I am good at what I do, have advanced nicely along the way and I am respected by my male and female colleagues. I am in a leadership position so I need to direct people and make things happen. Not very feminine sounding right, wrong. I counter my command of the situation by my manner and demeanor and dress.

I like being a girl and I am not bad to look at, i where heals to work, do my nails, where makeup, get my hair done, dress tastefully but there is no doubt that I am a woman. I am dominate at work but I am submissive in my relationship, I have no desire to do any bossing around when I get home. I want to cook and take care of someone that's what makers me feel good and I like someone who is not intimidated by me and tells me what to do. I am not naturally dominate but the profession I love requires me to be so if I want to be successful so I do it.

The woman that I work with are all married or engaged to successful men. So it's not true that successful men want a little woman at home some do but some don't. I don't think any successful man wants a woman who tries to out-man him. My SO likes that I come home and cook for him, take care of him. He is manly, he doesn't let me get away with treating him with disrespect, as a trade off, I can relax and know that he can handle me and take care of my needs as I try to take care of his, that gives me confidence in myself. It has taken us some work to get here.

OP are you concerned that you will not be able to have a relationship if you seem too capable. That's not true. Maybe this man's comment referred to his wanting a woman who he was sure would not have the self confidence to walk out if she needed. Being a strong woman does not have to mean being male-type strong, it means being strongly feminine. My leadership style is feminine, my approach to the men I work with is feminine, I don't act like one of the boys and they don't treat me like one. Some of the latest research on leadership style actually shows better results with a more feminine team building leadership style rather than a slash and burn style.

I get more done with men by being soft and feminine, yes I said it, men react differently when a woman maintains her femininity in the work place, yet is competent. I don't tolerate any inappropriateness, I don't flirt, I am not motherly. I think it is a relief to them to have a woman around in such a male dominated environment. But I am respectful of them as they are of me. It's a balance.

[rhiannon34]

I have been told on occasion that I am intimidating. Not because I am uber successful, but because I am an independent thinker, I speak my mind, don't take off anybody, and make it very clear that I don't need anyone else to be ok.

My ex husband told me once that he was upset because he felt like I didn't need him and could just leave whenever I wanted. I thought, "Well, yea, isn't that how it's supposed to be? Why does he want me here because I have to be and not want to be?"

In my experience men who are intimidated by independent women are from prdominitely patriarchal families and have mothers who are submissive and let the "man rule". Most of the men I had ever been with were from matriarchal families, mostly raised by single mothers, and mostly liked the way I was (I said MOSTLY, lol). My ex husband was the exception who was from a very backwards family where his mother believed you didn't even talk back to men. This is quickly changing, so I suspect, given more time, we will se more and more men who are not scared off by intimidating/independent/secure women.

[Allie602]

rhiannon34 I don't think it is speaking you mind that is makes you intimidating, it is probably the way you speak it. If you read some of my post they can be very confrontational, I am really not communicating I am venting, I would NEVER speak like that in real life but I do to these poor strangers here. If I broadcast that much negative energy in my life I'd get a nice padded room with no shoe laces in my shoes and a jacket that made me hug myself.

My point is there is a difference between speaking your mind and communicating - communication assumes you want the listener to hear you and say something back. if your delivery does not take into account your audience, then you not communicating you talking. When you say you speak your mind can you see it as talking and not an attempt to communicate?

if you could turn that communication style around and speak to people in a way that draws them out to have an exchange of ideas, it would be more satisfying for you. We all have to make concessions and adjustments to our raw personalities to meet the world around us. Woman have to make accommodations to communicate with men effectively in the work place and in life. You may say that we as woman should not have to do it. But I would counter that with: your biggest asset is being able to be flexible and accommodating in a good way this is a feminine quality (not that men don't have it). Men can't hear women who are angry, shouting, and disrespectful or crazy acting, it makes them want to run the other way. So you cant do that if you want to have an ongoing relationship with men. If you want to men off, then feel free to use any on that list.

There is a theme in your post - its a kind of pride at being vociferous but there is a hint of confusion and questioning as to why it does not work. It's not you it's the world we live in. The positive thing is that when you change the reaction to you will change almost instantaneously. Just try it for a week you will see.

[Allie602]

rhiannon34 Oh and you do need people to be ok. It is not a sign of weakness just humanity. You are writing on this forum and people are responding. I'll bet you getting more out of the cyber encounters that you would if you speaking your mind. You need people on the forum to listen and respond and that's called needing people. You see, it's not so bad, we all welcome you and want you to keep speaking your mind.

[rhiannon34]

rhiannon34 Oh and you do need people to be ok. It is not a sign of weakness just humanity. You are writing on this forum and people are responding. I'll bet you getting more out of the cyber encounters that you would if you speaking your mind. You need people on the forum to listen and respond and that's called needing people. You see, it's not so bad, we all welcome you and want you to keep speaking your mind.

You're right, I do need interaction with other people. I do need love. I think what I meant by "I don't need anyone else to be ok" which I didn't explain very well is, I don't need anyone to help support me, I don't need a relationship romantically with a man. I guess in a nutshell, I am not dependent on anyone. I guess that is just my thought process cause I have been on my own with a baby since 17. People were always wondering why I didn't just find some man to take care of me, and I guess that's always stuck in my head.

[Magnetism]

In the forum community, I've been accused of being intimidating and "manly" based on how I type and express my views. I asked a couple of male posters "Well, how am I supposed to type?" They just said "You don't have that air-headed vibe to you. You talk about those things that girls don't talk about." HAHAHAHA!

I agree with the others. If a man finds you intimidating or emasculating, he's not someone you want to be with. It's so weird how we women are told to be confident to attract men, but the next minute we're told that we're too "strong" and need to be more passive.

[WhoIsHe?]

I'll keep this short and to the point.

In today's society, men are becoming more feminine. Women are becoming more masculine. Whether this is good or bad, is not for me to decide - it simply is (at this point) a truism.

'Where have all the real men gone?' I hear asked all the time. These days most men are being socially conditioned to act feminine IMO. Masculinity in men currently is being demonized socially, and faded out by Political Correctness and extreme branches of Feminism.

On another note. If you choose to compete with your man to control the aspects of the relationships that men typically provide for - you shouldn't be surprised when he begins to treat you as competition. Trust me, that is absolutely toxic for intimacy and emotional bonding with most men. Very few things will make a man more emotionally jaded toward you, than if he feels he is in a constant competition with you.

Dr. Laura brings up some good point along these lines as well.

[baja]

In my experience, I have found a number of very beautiful, confident, optimistic and fun women to be extremely intimidating to a lot of guys. If men aren't afraid of approaching them because of their amazing looks, they are gun-shy because of their aura of confidence or they second-guess themselves and feel uncomfortable around someone who is so optimistic/positive. As for me, these types of women were always extraordinary and always people I would want to meet and get to know asap.

[WildChild]

I've found that being a strong, independent woman to be a HUGE catch-22. I think the same reason that men are attracted to being friends with me are the same reasons that they don't want to date me. Guys claim to not like the headachey, high-maintenance girls, but at the end of the day, when they have a gal that is completely self-sufficient and confident....where do they fit in? Guys (like all people) need to be needed and if a girl doesn't need anyone it leaves them feeling like they don't have much to contribute/conquer in the relationship.

We need to rethink what needing someone means. Some things I can do for myself, some I need a hand with and others I just can't handle. I enjoy having a man in my life whom I can work beside, who's skills compliment mine. Working with someone compatible is like a dance and the work just flows.

If I chose to I can change my own oil, replace a radiator, frame a wall, hang a door, install a faucet. Does that mean I wouldn't appriciate someone doing it for me or offering to help? Absolutely not - if they know what they are doing.

I like a strong man but strength comes in many forms, I haven't found many strong enough to love me without trying to limit or control, or without bringing a lot of insecurities into play. A truly strong man isn't afraid to love, to be tender or caring.