[wednesdaymorning]

I'm just going to throw my issue out here, because I'm really in need of some advice. I'll try to make it as short as possible.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and we've lived together for a year and a half. In our entire relationship, as much as he's promised and sworn and written in blood that he will, he has not gotten a job and kept it. He's worked for a grand total of two months before he quit because he didn't like the job. It's been like fighting a rabid monkey to get him to fill out an application.

For the first few years of the relationship, I paid for everything with my job (and, when I was laid off due to store closure, I paid with my unemployment). As far as the apartment we live in goes, his dad ends up paying every month. Needless to say, it's embarrassing!

Besides the fact that he refuses to work, there are a lot of other issues, including, but not limited to, his anti-social behaviour; his attachment to his past (i.e. he still thinks the world is like high school even though he’s 23 years old); his lack of trust for me even though I’ve done nothing to warrant such a thing; and the disrespect for my parents (he hasn’t done anything blatant, he’s just quit a job my mother got him on her honour after doing it for a whole 3 days and refused to help them the multiple times they ask him to.). Overall, he’s a nice, charismatic, funny guy to the public who is very charming, but really, he’s irresponsible and immature.

The lease is coming up here, and I’ve been living with him and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend in this apartment for a whole year. It has been a year of nothing but stress. Even to the point where I broke down and ruined my grades so I could get a job to pay the bills so his father wouldn’t have to. I had to quit that job because I was about to waste the tuition money to my school in failed grades. I’ve come to hate his brother, who strips down to his underwear the second he walks in the door and thinks that in some world that’s an okay thing to do.

I want to move out. I told my boyfriend this already, and he got so angry that I just took it back and pretended not to mean it. That was five days ago and I’m completely miserable. My parents want me to move back in with them and are willing to do whatever they can to help me get out of here, but for some reason, I backed out. Regardless of what his downfalls are, he is a really sweet guy and he’s cute and funny and when we’re having fun, we’re really having fun, but I just can’t live in this stressful situation anymore. I’m not ready to have to worry about rent and groceries. I want to travel and save my money for myself. I don’t want to break up with him, but I can’t do this living with him thing anymore.

Any advice on how to tell him and keep his feelings semi-intact? Sorry it’s so long, there’s so much more to this story, but I tried to make it easy enough to keep someone’s attention. Thanks for reading.

[KMonte85]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation! It isn't pleasant.. on the one hand, you want to do what you know is best for you and your peace of mind. On the other hand, you don't want to hurt your boyfriend.

But I think your gut is telling you what to do, now you just have to do it and not back down when you're given opposition from your boyfriend.

I'm going to be blunt here... as charasmatic and fun as your boyfriend is, he is a deadbeat and a user. He's only held a job for 2 months of the 3 1/2 YEARS you've been together? You had to pay the bills, sacrifice school, sacrifice time, live with crappy roommates, etc... because he refused to man-up and get employed. Now for the first time, you're looking to do something for YOU, and he freaks out and lays the guilt trip of all guilt trips on you...

I'm really surprised you even want to stay in this relationship, but that's besides the point.. right now, you just need to get out of that situation and move back with your parents. You're lucky to have such understanding and welcoming folks, they're willing to do anything to help you out, they WANT you back, you know that... now all you've got to do is pack up where you are now and move in there.


Really, with a guy like you've described in your boyfriend I don't see a way to tell him and keep him from flipping his lid. He doesn't look at situations as "how is this best for US." He sees his meal ticket leaving, and that sucks for him. So you could probably explain your plans in the most loving and understanding manner possible and he would still get angry with you. It is just the way people like that function...

Your best bet is to just explain it to him like you did the first time, and then STICK TO YOUR GUNS about it! Don't back down because he gets mad, let him have his tantrum because ultimately, you KNOW this is the best move for you to succeed in your financial and educational future. He'll get mad, but you'll be so much happier once you're out of that mess and back with family who aren't going to rely on you to pay all the bills!

Good luck, and I really really really wish the best for you! I hope you do move, I hope you don't let your boyfriend push you into staying and being unhappy and broke. You know you deserve better than your situation now, you have the opportunity to improve your situation... jump on it!

[sourpuss]

Take your parents up on their offer!

[WildChild]

Pack up and get out. He has no hope of growing up while you are around, you and dad are enabling this behavior. Focus on your school and what you want from life, because unless what you want is to be his provider and care giver, you won't get there with this mill stone around your neck.

[SaharaJim]

Sorry.. it is hard but LISTEN to the previous posters...he may not "intend" to be a "user" but that IS exactly what he is. And he will continue to "use" you as long as you let him do it. He has gotten through life by manipulating..he will TRY very hard to convince you not to stop...but really Wendesdaymorning...get up and get out ...the sooner the better.

[kygirl]

I'm going to have to chime in with everyone else. Tell him you are moving out, explain to him why like you have to us here, and if he *really* cares about the relationship, he will see what a loser he's been in regards to you.

He may be a fun, charming guy, but there are a lot of other fun, charming guys ou there who won't also expect you to support them while risking your own happiness. You're young. Move home. Spend time with your friends. Travel. Shop. Do whatever *you* want with your money. Focus on school and your education.

I honestly don't think your boyfriend is going to change his behaviour but I can guarantee that he won't as long as you are putting up with it.

You deserve someone who not only makes you laugh and is fun, but who also is respectful of you.

[Ashlee T.]

I get the sense that you're intimidated by him....almost scared of him to a certain extent. Are you worried of what he'd do if you left?

This is your life to live....and most people wouldn't be happy in the situation you are in. I agree, get out of the relationship before there's marriage or babies, or other things that may complicate leaving. This is your chance.......

[rhiannon34]

I don't see why you need to tell him at all. He obviosly isn't going to act rational, agree, or understand. Just do it. Don't talk about it, just pack your stuff and go home. You are missing out on so many great things you could be doing with your life. You seem like a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders. Don't waste it on a guy will doesn't have the skills to do anything different.
He may be funny, charming, and all that. There are lots of funny, charming, sweet guys out there who are capable of taking care of themselves and would want to be with you. Everybody has something good about them, doesn't mean you should stay with them.

[wednesdaymorning]

Thank you all for your responses! I really appreciate all the feedback!

KMonte85: I agree with you. Probably the worst part of this situation is that I know he's probably not going to change, but, for some reason I keep giving him endless chances to attempt! I mean, the first nine months I was with him he had another girlfriend. I don't like to admit that I've been so weak through all of this. His biggest concern with me leaving is that he's about to go to a therapist to work out his issues and he wants me to be here when he comes home to comfort him after he "spills his guts to some stranger."

sourpuss: I want to, believe me. Nothing would make my mother happier than if I came back. I'm sure it would do wonders for me, too. I mean, they've even offered to pay for me to live in my own apartment with my little dog. That's how serious they are about it. And why that didn't push me out the door, I do not know.

WildChild: That's something my father says and you're both right. I mean, my boyfriend doesn't even have his GED and I plan to get a doctorate? I can't be dragging him around through that. If he could have just done it all in the first place...

SaharaJim: I know where everyone is coming from, saying he's a "user" and all that, but, knowing him makes it hard to see it all the time. I thought that if I moved out, he'd be forced to get himself together. But he just guilted me and guilted me until I backed out. I wish I hadn't. I don't even really know why I did!!! In my head, I kept saying "Don't back out...don't back out..."

kygirl: There's another fun aspect about this whole mess. He feels an extreme sense of "guilt" over all the things he's done to me. He's always willing to bring them up and say he's sorry and he's been a jerk and all that. But, I mean, actions do speak louder than words. And the grudge I've built up against him is something I'm not sure is fixable. I can't understand what ties me to him. Except for the fact that if you could take away the sex-addicted, irresponsible mental case of a man, he would be a really great friend. I love all the cute things he does and how funny he is. I know, I know, you're all right, that's probably not enough...

Venus Cow: That's a toughie, Venus Cow. But, again, all of you are right.

Beautiful Disaster: There is some sense of intimidation, I think. Not that he would physically hurt me, because that's not his style. Instead, I get scared that if I left, he would: A. Find a weak 18-year-old with a job (like I was) to pay his bills, thus making the entire 3 1/2 years completely useless. or B. Write me angry text messages for the rest of my life. I'm not worried he'd try to win me back. I don't feel like he would. I think I'm so scared of losing him because, besides him, I have no friends. Most of my friends used to be guys, all of which he was too jealous of for me to keep. And I recently (as in within the last week) got rid of my "best friend." She walked all over me just like he does. All I have left are my sister and my mother and my sis lives a thousand miles away. Sorry to lay that sob story on, because it's really pathetic, but that may be the biggest reason I'm afraid to leave. Because he'll break up with me and I'll be completely alone.

rhiannon34: Oh yeah, I've thought about that. But I would have to tell him because, you see, he NEVER leaves the house. We have basically lived in a 9ftx9ft box for a year and a half. Because we don't leave the room. He goes in the living room sometimes, but I never do because his brother seems to think that's his and his girlfriends domain.

Thanks again, you guys. It really helps to hear all this. I know, and I've always known, that I'm just going to have to tell him. Again. My parents (yes, I know I'm lucky to have such great parents. They really are wonderful.) are ready to get all my stuff moved out of here in one big day. They said they'd even wait outside the door for me to tell him and then bust in with their boxes, inviting my boyfriend out to dinner afterwords. It's just hard when he's all gung-ho "I'm going to fix everything! Look! I filled out an application today! I studied for my GED!" Why do I keep wanting to give him chances? Would other people do this? Am I just crazy? Lots of things go on in my head over this.

Oh, and another thing I wanted to discuss was the fact that his father took me on a cruise with the family over the summer. And there's another family trip including me planned for the 3rd. Should I feel as bad about these things as I do? I mean, his family are really good people.

Thanks again.

-Wednesday

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wednesday, we have one life and one life only.. AND, once we are an Adult, we have choices, they are ours to make and those choices are important, not to be wasted because they will ultimately make us, or break us.

You want to travel.
You feel weak and that he has used you to a degree, apologises because, that always makes a person go aweee, he loves me, and so that cycle continues.
You feel you should stay of guilt, but more so as you have no friends, therefore, you have FEAR of the un-known.
You feel that if you leave, there will be abusive text messages. Now that one, I want you to think about ... If you truly believe that, what is that telling you honestly? Regarding the above.

I think you know your answer..

Don't fear the un-known as you have family there to support you.

Don't view the funny side of him, as your new friends will also make you laugh.

Don't view leaving as a bad thing, imagine saving for that travelling you desire.

And, don't view the choices you made wrong for a man, view what choices you now have to get ahead in your future.

The old saying, if you love someone set them free if they come back to you they're yours if they don't the never were...

His Father pays because, his father has allowed him to be a bum The brother lives there too, so you have nothing to feel guilty about...

CW