[cocoa]

I'm not the biggest attention wanter either and teasing is something that I very, very rarely do. But for many it's a mechanism to overcome anxiousness in a situation where you don't know what the reaction from the other person will be. An "icebreaker" if you will even if it isn't the nicest or most complimentary way.

But if you can relax an take someone's initial teasing as a means of cutting the veneer then it may help. But there are hugh limits after that initial exchange. Someone continuing it at your expense wouldn't be worth your time of day. But if a quick laugh, even at your own expense, warms you up to someone then don't let that ruin the entirety of the conversation.

Yeah, i understand the reasoning behind it. But as i said, after a while, it's only fun for the person doing it. Thing is, i can appreciate these qualities but it's not really fun if they keep pushing it or insist on doing it all the time. After a while, it's annoying. I have no problem with someone else enjoying it. It's just not me.

[Ashlee T.]

So, mentioning that "i'm not sure" what i am asking is the same as emphasizing that i know how all older men think? Does that make sense to you?

Sure, makes perfect sense. But here's the deal: you're being overly critical of the responses given to you because of ONE sentence that was worded in a way you don't agree with. Then you're asking people to read what you write carefully before responding, which implies that we have not done so. Go back and read your own words, try to seperate yourself from them and read as someone else. You emphasize "older men" in your post, you start out the post with your age and their ages, so that is what we responded to. If the issue was really "how do I deal with men who approach me in a teasing manner when I have no interest in that?", then age in your post shouldn't have been mentioned (more than once).

Now, back to your post. When someone approaches you, they don't "know" you. They don't know what you like, dislike. They don't know your confidence levels or how you feel about yourself. They only know that for some reason, they want to be friendly with you. Just because someones initial contact with you is done in a joking/teasing manner doesn't mean that's all you'd ever get from that person. But it does mean that if someone is going to be judged based on that, then you'll never get to know what kind of person they actually are. So if you're not interested in these men in any way (romantic, friendship, acquaintance etc) then cut them off, that part is very easy. If you are interested, change the conversation to something more serious. If they reciprocate your seriousness, maybe it's someone you could talk to more. If they don't, and you're dead set on not communicating with someone who has more of a joking nature, cut em off.

Could you give an example of this teasing behavior you're talking about?

[cocoa]

Would you act differently if you knew they were interested in dating you? I would say that anytime a stranger strikes up a random conversation with you, chances are they are interested in you in some form. Would it make a difference to you if they were interested in you because maybe they had been observing you and thought you seemed cool, or if they were interested in you because they thought you were pretty and wanted to ask you out? I would just assume that the person was interested me in some way, and I'd treat them like I'd want someone to treat me if I had just gotten up the nerve to approach someone.

Most men 20-25 years your senior are most likely going to assume you wouldn't be interested in them on a dating level. So they may approach you, cut up a bit, pick on you a bit, just to see how receptive you are or to see if there is any connection. But, someone 20-25 years older than you could also be your father, so some men might see you and you may remind them of their daughter, and so they approach you for that reason innocently and in a nonsexual sort of way. Some men may like I said earlier, have observed you from afar and thought you seemed interesting and just wanted to find a way to strike up conversation.

For most people, whether social anxious or social butterfly, breaking the ice with someone to initiate contact is difficult, takes a lot of nerves, and most of us have to "talk ourselves into" even doing it. And in efforts not to throw out some totally cheesy pickup line, perhaps they say something in a teasing/joking manner to break that ice.

If you're interested in these men (or even just one of them), you should be receptive to their attempts at contact, but let them see a little bit of who you are so they know how to best communicate with you.

yeah, i understand what you're saying. And i think this is a reasonable way to look at it but there are a few things i'm not so sure about. I guess it's somewhat flattering to think they're doing it because they're interested, but it's more a turn off than turn on if it's overdone. It gives me the feeling that i have to keep up this play just to make them feel comfortable around me since most of the time i go with it rather than resist it. But it's tiring having to keep it up though. And since I'm not sure if real interest is there or if the teasing is being used more to get me to be less serious, i don't want to make a fool of myself and assume any interest is there, thus making me feel even more uncomfortable. Because, in the end, whether or not i'm interested in them wouldn't matter for me, if i'm not sure how they feel. I wouldn't want to be seen as flirting when for them, it's simple fun - or teasing meant to make me lighten up.

One thing which I was trying to say in my OP, which apparently seems to have been missed, is that i don't see myself as a catch. So, if their goal was to show interest, which i'm not going to assume they are, i'd be surprised because i'm more likely going to think i came across as someone who is really not as experienced and not ready for a relationship with someone in that age range.

So, hmm.

[cocoa]

Sure, makes perfect sense. But here's the deal: you're being overly critical of the responses given to you because of ONE sentence that was worded in a way you don't agree with. Then you're asking people to read what you write carefully before responding, which implies that we have not done so. Go back and read your own words, try to seperate yourself from them and read as someone else. You emphasize "older men" in your post, you start out the post with your age and their ages, so that is what we responded to. If the issue was really "how do I deal with men who approach me in a teasing manner when I have no interest in that?", then age in your post shouldn't have been mentioned (more than once).

Now, back to your post. When someone approaches you, they don't "know" you. They don't know what you like, dislike. They don't know your confidence levels or how you feel about yourself. They only know that for some reason, they want to be friendly with you. Just because someones initial contact with you is done in a joking/teasing manner doesn't mean that's all you'd ever get from that person. But it does mean that if someone is going to be judged based on that, then you'll never get to know what kind of person they actually are. So if you're not interested in these men in any way (romantic, friendship, acquaintance etc) then cut them off, that part is very easy. If you are interested, change the conversation to something more serious. If they reciprocate your seriousness, maybe it's someone you could talk to more. If they don't, and you're dead set on not communicating with someone who has more of a joking nature, cut em off.

Could you give an example of this teasing behavior you're talking about?

I think you assumed too much from what was given. What i said in the OP was exactly as i intended. I only mentioned age because i originally was going to post this in a thread i'd already started titled 'older men: pros and cons," but at the last minute decided to make a new thread. And i wasn't sure how to frame the question or the situation so i mentioned age since most people who post usually begin my presenting basic information about themselves, and i thought it would help someone understand how to respond. The reasoning was really that simple.

[cocoa]

I'm not the biggest attention wanter either and teasing is something that I very, very rarely do. But for many it's a mechanism to overcome anxiousness in a situation where you don't know what the reaction from the other person will be. An "icebreaker" if you will even if it isn't the nicest or most complimentary way.

But if you can relax an take someone's initial teasing as a means of cutting the veneer then it may help. But there are hugh limits after that initial exchange. Someone continuing it at your expense wouldn't be worth your time of day. But if a quick laugh, even at your own expense, warms you up to someone then don't let that ruin the entirety of the conversation.

I can appreciate this, but as the area in bold indicates, if it's at my expense, why would i continue to feel comfortable with it?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Because Cocoa, they are trying to open you up, trying to break that "ice" and trying to flirt with you, obviously interested be it sexually or more, interest... personally, you...

What Pretzel is saying is if they don't know when to stop, know that they are making you un-comfortable, then they are doing it deliberately, at your expense and yes, they are not worth the time of day. So, you wouldn't feel comfortable, call it as you see it, walk away when you feel it and note the difference to genuine flirting, to deliberately bating you....

CW

[cocoa]

Because Cocoa, they are trying to open you up, trying to break that "ice" and trying to flirt with you, obviously interested be it sexually or more, interest... personally, you...

What Pretzel is saying is if they don't know when to stop, know that they are making you un-comfortable, then they are doing it deliberately, at your expense and yes, they are not worth the time of day. So, you wouldn't feel comfortable, call it as you see it, walk away when you feel it and note the difference to genuine flirting, to deliberately bating you....

CW

I do understand what Pretzel said, and already mentioned that i appreciate the perspective so i'm not sure why the need to convince me of something i've already acknowledged. Now, i appreciate the explanations for the teasing, but as i said, since i don't know the real motives behind it, and have tried to remain fairly unengaged to show that i'm not very comfortable with it, and still this is not respected or appreciated - and it's at work btw, then how else should i respond? And already stated very clearly in the OP, that i experience anxiety with this kind of attention, something i try to hide. I've struggled with this a long time, and it only gets worse even when i go with the flow. Most of the time, i'm pretty much minding my own business, and doing my own thing when the teasing begins. So, this is not something where i am seeking the attention.

I find it problematic that i can't disagree with the replies to my post without being made to seem as if i don't understand what has been expressed or have my posts misrepresented because of the way it is worded.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I do understand what Pretzel said, and already mentioned that i appreciate the perspective so i'm not sure why the need to convince me of something i've already acknowledged

why would i continue to feel comfortable with it?

Cocoa? Here's the thing, you posed a question to that answer from Pretzel...

So, you wouldn't feel comfortable, call it as you see it, walk away when you feel it and note the difference to genuine flirting, to deliberately bating you....

There's my opinion,

Now, i appreciate the explanations for the teasing, but as i said, since i don't know the real motives behind it

Because Cocoa, they are trying to open you up, trying to break that "ice" and trying to flirt with you, obviously interested be it sexually or more, interest... personally, you...

And there's my opinion to that question...

I find it problematic that i can't disagree with the replies to my post without being made to seem as if i don't understand what has been expressed or have my posts misrepresented because of the way it is worded.

But your not disagreeing persay, rather defending yourself, accusing that we don't understand, yet we do, we are actually replying to your questions....

It's difficult Cocoa if each time a member gives their opinion, and you add yes, but?, so we reply to the ? and then find you get defensive instead of understanding yourself that we are actually replying to the question, that the members "understand" what to do from there to assist you...

Does your anxiety also make you feel that you have to defend?

You are not causing the flirtation, but it's occuring, as we all have stated, it's there because either, they are pushing your buttons which you have to ascertain and ignore, or they like you and are trying to flirt with you, if you are not comfortable, just state, "go flirt with someone else," smile and walk away...

People are human, they will do what they want to do and not take you into consideration, or will take you into consideration if you ensure they know that's it's not acceptable to you. NO should always equal NO and be respected....

YES, I think you are too serious and don't enjoy the teasing, don't acknowledge which it is, deliberate or interest...

Anxiety is a horrible thing to have, it clouds your mind doesn't allow you to see and I understand that... Take deep breathes and the fact your here means you want to try to work out things so that's a good thing but let people talk instead of thinking that they are against you, they are pointing out that your seeing what we write as wrong or against you when really they want to help and are answering your questions until you get too defensive.

[cocoa]

Cocoa? Here's the thing, you posed a question to that answer from Pretzel...



YES, I think you are too serious and don't enjoy the teasing, don't acknowledge which it is, deliberate or interest...

I think if Pretzel wanted to respond, he or she would. I'm still not sure why there is a need to defend Pretzel since my question wasn't intended to argue with what Pretzel said. I appreciated what Pretzel said actually, so i'm still not sure why there's a need to defend it. Still confused about that one.

I already explained my reasons why i dislike the teasing, and you keep repeating what i've already acknowledged, apparently as a way to suggest that i don't know what i'm saying or that i'm still not getting it. This is really interesting.

Your posts are seriously unnecessarily patronizing.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

All questions posted on this Forum can be answered by anyone on this Forum... Therefore, I answered it... Not defended him..I don't need to...

For your information Pretzel is a male and a valued member whom comes on a few times during the week, not every day...

As for your last statement, if that's your perception, then so be it...

But, be very careful about putting members down on this Forum, including Moderators..

Can I ask that the OP remember that words on a screen CAN be misinterpreted and if someone takes the time to respond to you but misunderstands you based on what YOU wrote, please refrain from being rude about it? We're just trying to help.

CW