[cocoa]

I am early 30s. I've met a few older men -20-25 years older, who i've wondering about. I'm not interested in a relationship. But i've always had trouble identifying when someone is or isn't interested in me. I have the kind of personality where guys are always trying to make me laugh or tease me because they think i'm too serious. I'll laugh and respond it to by lighting up and enjoying it for a while, playing along. But in the end it's really annoying, and gets old really quickly. It begins to feel as if they're using it to get laugh, prodding me to get a response, and i feel like a joke after a while. I'm the kind of person who is most comfortable when i'm hanging back and observing, and lightly interacting with people.

Now, i've not had much relationship experience from teens to now, so i can be a bit clueless about these things compared to most people in my age group. But i know that men will often use teasing or humor to get the attention and connect with someone they like. Hate to mention the negative, but it's all in the name of honesty with myself - i'm not average confident sophisticated 30 year old. Much of the time, i feel like an ugly duckly to tbh. So, when i get any kind of attention from guys, in a way that makes me feel as if i'm interesting or worth the time or effort for the attention, i'm not sure what to make of it. Not sure what the attention means, and i think i end up reading too much into it. My imagination goes into overdrive, and i start asuming they're more interested in me than they probably are. So, what gives? I'm not sure whether i'm asking how do you know when someone older likes you, or whether i'm asking how do i respond to this kind of teasing or attention so that it eventually goes away. I struggle with anxiety and too much attention does on a number on me emotionally.

So, any thoughts?

[cocoa]

And did i mention, "i REALLY hate attention". I always feel a bit awkward when i get too much of it. I just don't care much for it. I'd rather give the attention to someone else in conversation unless i have something good to say.

[pretzel]

I'm not the biggest attention wanter either and teasing is something that I very, very rarely do. But for many it's a mechanism to overcome anxiousness in a situation where you don't know what the reaction from the other person will be. An "icebreaker" if you will even if it isn't the nicest or most complimentary way.

But if you can relax an take someone's initial teasing as a means of cutting the veneer then it may help. But there are hugh limits after that initial exchange. Someone continuing it at your expense wouldn't be worth your time of day. But if a quick laugh, even at your own expense, warms you up to someone then don't let that ruin the entirety of the conversation.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think you really put uneccessary worry and wonder into the differences between how a 50 year old man would hit on you verses a 30 year old man, its the same way... you ephasised how can you tell when an OLDER man is hitting on you, and its exactly the same way as a younger man would. Men don't change that drastically emotionally from 30 to 50, and they don't development a new or different set of flirting skills, there are only so many to begin with.

Men flirt, women flirt. Some flirt and give attention just to pass the time with no interest in the person they are 'hitting on' some people do it for an ego boost, some do it to boost the OTHER persons ego... and some are really actually hoping to get a date out of it, and its really hard to decypher which is which on a brief encounter, but if you run into the same person you can see the harmless flirts develop if they are truly interested.

Most humans relate to each other through a sense of humour. There is a portion of the population that is completely either lacking in a sense of humour, or can sense humor (or attempts at humour) and simply don't appreciate them.

No matter how much society has changed, guys are still laregely responsible for being the inniciator of a date... many people use jokes and teasing as a way to loosen up the awkwardenss of any situation , including flirting.

When someone goes out of their way to make a connection with you, either to joke with you or just to ask you something that they could have figured out on their own, generally it means they want to know you. If a person makes strong eye contact, or heavily avoids eye contact they could be interested (people tend to be on one extreme or the other when it comes to eye contact with someone they are interested in.

Smiles, compliments, finding ways to extend the conversation are all indicators that a man of ANY age MAY be interested, but again... it could be they just want to see if they still got it, it could be that they are simply trying to have some fun in their day, or it could be that they want to know you better... only time will tell on that.

[Ashlee T.]

Would you act differently if you knew they were interested in dating you? I would say that anytime a stranger strikes up a random conversation with you, chances are they are interested in you in some form. Would it make a difference to you if they were interested in you because maybe they had been observing you and thought you seemed cool, or if they were interested in you because they thought you were pretty and wanted to ask you out? I would just assume that the person was interested me in some way, and I'd treat them like I'd want someone to treat me if I had just gotten up the nerve to approach someone.

Most men 20-25 years your senior are most likely going to assume you wouldn't be interested in them on a dating level. So they may approach you, cut up a bit, pick on you a bit, just to see how receptive you are or to see if there is any connection. But, someone 20-25 years older than you could also be your father, so some men might see you and you may remind them of their daughter, and so they approach you for that reason innocently and in a nonsexual sort of way. Some men may like I said earlier, have observed you from afar and thought you seemed interesting and just wanted to find a way to strike up conversation.

For most people, whether social anxious or social butterfly, breaking the ice with someone to initiate contact is difficult, takes a lot of nerves, and most of us have to "talk ourselves into" even doing it. And in efforts not to throw out some totally cheesy pickup line, perhaps they say something in a teasing/joking manner to break that ice.

If you're interested in these men (or even just one of them), you should be receptive to their attempts at contact, but let them see a little bit of who you are so they know how to best communicate with you.

[cocoa]

I think you really put uneccessary worry and wonder into the differences between how a 50 year old man would hit on you verses a 30 year old man, its the same way... you ephasised how can you tell when an OLDER man is hitting on you, and its exactly the same way as a younger man would. Men don't change that drastically emotionally from 30 to 50, and they don't development a new or different set of flirting skills, there are only so many to begin with.

Where and when did i say that? O.o Please don't misrepresent what i've said. I presented the situation pretty openly. And clearly the question is being asked because i'm not sure how to guage what i've seen.

[cocoa]

Maybe i need to clarify, i'm not attracted to people who need to be entertaining or entertained in order to enjoy being with someone. I'm just as happy simply sitting and having a normal, conversation that doesn't have to involve joking around. For me, that's a plus, not a minus. If someone can't take a moment to be serious, then we're probably not right for each other.

Can i ask that those who respond read the OP carefully before replying. thank you.

[Ashlee T.]

Where and when did i say that?

Right here:

I'm not sure whether i'm asking how do you know when someone older likes you, or whether i'm asking how do i respond to this kind of teasing or attention so that it eventually goes away.

And not to mention that you clearly start out your post by referring to men 20-25 years older than yourself.

There's nothing wrong with being a more serious person. But there's also nothing wrong with someone joking around to try to break the ice. At least they're making the effort, right? When you approach someone how do you break the ice?

I don't think anyone misrepresented you. I think you got some well thought out responses. Sorry they weren't what you wanted to hear. Can I ask that the OP remember that words on a screen CAN be misinterpreted and if someone takes the time to respond to you but misunderstands you based on what YOU wrote, please refrain from being rude about it? We're just trying to help.

[Ashlee T.]

P.S. Did you pay attention to any of the rest of HD's post (which was pretty insightful), my post, or pretzels post? Or just the one sentence you didn't like?

[cocoa]

Right here:



And not to mention that you clearly start out your post by referring to men 20-25 years older than yourself.

There's nothing wrong with being a more serious person. But there's also nothing wrong with someone joking around to try to break the ice. At least they're making the effort, right? When you approach someone how do you break the ice?

I don't think anyone misrepresented you. I think you got some well thought out responses. Sorry they weren't what you wanted to hear. Can I ask that the OP remember that words on a screen CAN be misinterpreted and if someone takes the time to respond to you but misunderstands you based on what YOU wrote, please refrain from being rude about it? We're just trying to help.

So, mentioning that "i'm not sure" what i am asking is the same as emphasizing that i know how all older men think? Does that make sense to you?