[snowlady]

My ex ended things with me 8 months ago and soon after was dating someone else. Long story short, we were in a long distance relationship, he traveled a ton for work and when I started pressuring him that he wasn't able to come visit a few times, we ran into some problems and he broke up with me saying "he couldn't give me what I wanted right now." Shortly after I found out he was dating someone new. I blamed the breakup on the other girl. I tried to get more answers out of him as to why we broke up but he refused to talk about it. That was the end of it and we didn't communicate since then.

Recently he has come back to me basically on his hands and knees saying he made a huge mistake. He is no longer dating the other girl and insists that he didn't cheat on me but admitted the other girl may have been a small factor in why he choose not to work on our relationship. He is also expressing he didn't handle our break up well, that I didn't deserve what he did to me and admits that he clammed up didn't deal with other problems he had and shut me out.

He is saying he is sorry and being great about answering all my questions, even if I feel the need to ask them multiple times. He is a good man, has wonderful friends, well-liked by his peers, awesome job, great family and my family LOVED him when we were dating. Not to mention I was in love with him which for me, I've only found that twice in my life. He is definitely someone I could see myself with.

BUT still confused and need suggestions on how to handle this.

Has anyone ever been in this position? What should I make him do to get me back? I don't want it to be easy for him. Logical right?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank You.

[WildChild]

There are no rules for this. What do you want?

[tesoro]

Hi snowlady, I think your concerns are very valid.

Reading your post, it almost sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into all the reasonswhy you should take him back.

If the roles were reversed, and you had left him with another man being a "small" part of the reason, do you think he would consider taking you back?

Also, I'm wondering why he is crawling back now after 8 months....and if you take him back, what kind of message that may give to him. It may seem easier for him the next time around to think he can do something wrong and get away with it? Just putting it out there.

I don't know that making it hard for him and then taking him back is really going to give you the dignity back that you lost when he broke up with you 8 months ago.

Of course, only you can decide what it is you want and why but tread with caution here....

[snowlady]

In response to WildChild:

I think in my perfect world, it would all work out, we would fall back inlove, have babies and live a happy life.

HAH!! But I understand that may not be realistic. If it is, not sure on how to get there

[snowlady]

Tesoro,

I think you hit the nail on the head with your response. I think these are my concerns. You gave me a few more questions to ask him, thank you.

[BasketCase]

My major concern is why it took him 8 months to decide he wanted you back?

[Colorado]

...Ah, so someone has seen that the grass is not greener!

There are some who will "learn their lesson" and never again stray; but from what I have seen (friends/aquaintances) 90% of them will do it again.
Tesoro has a valid point: "what type of message are you sending him if you take him back?" It's ok?, I'll take you back again next time too?

Personally the wife and I have an agreement - 1 time cheating and it's over! We both know this, and we know that it's not just talk. There would be no coming back - ever!

Be very careful with this descision, you could regret it (imo: 90% chance) or thank God that you made it (10% chance). The choice is yours.

[caterpillar79]

Your experience resonates with me fully, though a bit different such that, it only took him 2 months to get his balls back in place and face the reality of us being better off together. Also, he didn't date any girl, though he sort of flirted with one that I was not convinced was not a "small factor" (like yours).

I did take him back and married him. But had he not proposed and not shown me he's a better man; had he not spoken soon enough; had he not (promised and shown) compromise and respect for my boundaries/standards - I won't be married to him now. And now that we're married, I hold him accountable all the more.

Please evaluate and ask yourself the following: 1) What I really wanted, 2) what type of man suits me, 3) my boundaries and how to stick to it and be assertive, 4) be happy on my own, 5) how much time I want to give him to "prove" that he's worthy of my time and love, 6) what things are my "negotiables" and "non-negotiables".

Just some pointers that might help you think things through. I remember how I was so scared to risk giving him another chance. I was in a situation where I had to choose between two men, one whom I just met for less than 2 months, but was wonderful, vs. him, whom I know deep down who he really is and what he's made of...

Bear in mind that with men, what you see is what you get. Do not consider "what he is capable of", for he might disappoint you. And by thinking of "what he's capable of", women commonly tend to wanting to change the man she is with - it's not possible.

So, have a thought and then get back with us.

Take care.

[Guest]

I am the male half of a similar situation. There was no lying, there was no cheating. We were together for nearly two years and then she dumped me. I was broken hearted, crushed, devastated, while she moved on to Mr. next inline and didn't appear to blink an eye. She also asked me to have no contact with her or anyone in her family ever again

For what ever reason, things didn't work out for them. It's not my place to judge or even guess as to what went wrong and why. I wasn't aware that they had broken up until she contacted me. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless!

We are back together and working through some things that needed work the first time. It isn't perfect...not by a long shot...but we're both very happy and thankful for a second chance.

You can analyze your situation to death. You can worry about what happend before and wonder if it will happen again. Or you can move forward with renewed enthusiasm that may be a bit cautious at first but worth all of your efforts in the end. People make mistakes, I know that I have made plenty.

I went with my gut and followed my heart and I am very glad that I did.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know in retrospect age is a number, however, it does reflect on maturity. So, how old is he?

One factor for you to consider is, in the back of your mind, he cheated, found someone else(all be it emotional cheating) and used the "it's not you it's me" on you, he couldn't give you what you wanted.

A second factor is long distance is very difficult, very.. No excuse for any form of cheating but it can play on your mind with respect to what you want out of a relationship and what your personal needs are and if you are in the right relationship and hense, cut it off.

Third factor to consider is then how much did he love you? You state that he communicated that he didn't handle your break up well but not that he "every day" wished that he hadn't and didn't think that you would take him back, hense why it has taken him so long to get back in touch with you...


As for not making it easy for him.. You have trust issues now, but also excitement of what was And a dream

If that dream is meant to be reality, it will be nothing on this Earth is going to stop that... As long as the communication line is there and you don't shut him out, what's the hurry? Tell him your open to communication, open to a possibility however, there's a trust issue so he has to give you time to see that it's you that he really wants.

If he realised he loved you, then he'll fight for you just on those words... If not, you'll find out as he gives up after a few weeks....

The ball will back in his court to prove it..

CW