[CHANDLERS WISH]

yes mam....

Your past is your past.
Your present is your present
Your future is your future...

Is the best thing I could write, to be re-read over and over and over.....me's thinking x

[pretzel]

I've got to figure out how to let myself have feelings for someone, and not also be scared to death of them at the same time.

My dear, that is something that many of us never truely get.

I understand Tex's reaction to how he deals with stress, I'm the same way. Everyone handles stress in their own way and we either have to accept that and understand it or not.

I do have a question and it's geared more toward what will happen going forward. You mentioned his schedule which is demanding, his job which is demanding and his dual masters which is demanding. All of which are admirable in their own right, but where is his balance between success and personal satisfaction. Is he someone who will always have to have a full plate that may not necessarily have room for a relationship? Are you going to be second fiddle?

From what I've read so far, even if it's not apparent now, I have a fear that he is someone who will be driven by personal success first and foremost.

[Ashlee T.]

Pretzel - That's a good question....and my answer is, "I don't know...". It's just too soon. I was so thankful to find someone who is busy like myself (even busier) because I knew he'd totally understand the need for alone time to study, etc. He'll be finishing up one of his Masters next semester. I hope to start mine in 2011 (The entrance exam costs $250 to take...so I want to do it right the first time!). At the same time I'll be working on my MBA, I'll also be continuing my studies for a work certification (whose tests are BRUTAL), and of course working full time and trying to maintain exercise. So I try not to judge him too harshly in his endeavors because I want someone to be understanding of me when I'm going through mine. And, truly, if I had a skill that would allow me to also work part time and earn some good money on certain nights of the week, I'd do it too because money is always tight. Now, the kicker is, how to tell the difference between a young man who's ambitious and motivated to succeed in life, and someone who doesn't really value life outside of work. I think only time will tell that. All I can do is just try to maintain awareness and not find myself caught up 1 year down the road in an unhappy situation where I feel left out and not a priority (been there done that).

[pretzel]

BD, that's something that I think you'll feel more than hear. People will talk about their future to others but there will always be that little voice inside you that will give you a better answer than he ever will. Don't silence that little voice.

I understand that it's new and your both trying to get to know each other. I'm sure both of you have talked just like you've talked here about goals, aspirations, and certain feelings. I'm sure you've been able to guage his answers not necessarily by the words, but by the feelings behind them.

I hope you get a feeling from him that balance is important and that even though there's no balance now given the circumstances he's facing, but also that the balance you're looking for now in another year or so you'll be in his shoes and that the balance you want you may not be able to give as fully as you'd like.

Neither one of you have any permanence in your lives at this point. Your both working towards your life goals. Things will not be as you'd like or hoped for either of you over the next couple of years.

(on edit)

Stop texting and start talking. Please. (sorry, personal pet peeve)

[Ashlee T.]

Ohhhh curious about this "additional little rant" you deleted. Or maybe I'm not. LOL!

You're exactly right. It is a feeling...and I'm hoping that with some time I'll be able to get a good feeling on what his priorities are. And as for the texting, for us it's a supplement, in addition to our conversations. We actually do talk on the phone. We've also already had the discussion and agree that texting is "supplemental" and should not be the mode of having a conversation. He made it home yesterday. The bowl game he worked the night before didn't end until midnight, and he had to leave the hotel at 4am to make his flight, so by the time he got home yesterday he was exhausted. He got a couple hours of nap and then had to go on campus to work the basketball game so it was around 10pm when he finally got home and got to actually go to bed. Nonetheless, he seemed a little more like himself last night despite being tired. And though I didn't mention seeing him, he said he'd definitely like to see me today. I also invited him over Christmas Eve morning to have breakfast, since we're both leaving town that afternoon to spend christmas with our families. A few weeks ago, he mentioned that he'd like for me to meet his family sometime while we're off during Christmas. I guess that's a good sign.

I just need to try to be patient, and let things happen naturally. Me worrying about things won't change anything for the better, that's for sure. It seems that only time will tell.

[pretzel]

Good for you. I think you've got the answers you've wanted even though you may not necessarily realize it.

As for my additional rant, it's about texting. I kind of get frustrated listening to people or reading here about texting being the main form of communication these days. I hate texting....................

[Ashlee T.]

I think I do have some answers. And once again, if it weren't for you wonderful people that allow me to rant in my moments of unclarity, I'd have probably ranted to him instead which would've been a mistake.

Oh dearest Pretzy....texting is much the same as any form of electronic communication. It should NOT be used as the main form of communication. People misunderstand each other enough in person, much less with words. Texting has it's place, for me I prefer it for little things that would normally take up 15 minutes of my time if I had to call the person. My mom used to hate it too. A year later, I had to add her an "unlimited texting" package to our phone plan. LOL!!!

[Endurance]

I'm curious about how Christmas went with the two of you. I've been dating a first lieutenant in the army for about 4 months now, and the same thing has happened to us. He is extremely busy with work, and I admire how ambitious he is, so I am appreciative of his work ethic---I just don't know how I am going to fit into this picture. I completely understand how it is a knock to self-confidence! Usually I am much more certain of myself. Now I don't even know if I should call him, or if I should wait it out for another week. Hmmm...a red flag, or need for more personal space?

[Guest]

this thread pretty much proves it's always the man who has to initiate every contact and put in all the effort.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm curious about how Christmas went with the two of you

Christmas went very well. I invited him over for a Christmas Eve breakfast which we both enjoyed, then we swapped gifts which was a lot of fun too. On top of the regular gifts, I got him some naughty gifts as stocking stuffers. I think he was more excited about those than anything. lol We spent some quality time together and then both left to go to our families.

Hmmm...a red flag, or need for more personal space?

That's what is so difficult about it. The only thing to give us that answer is time. Follow your gut. Don't not call him when you want to, but don't find yourself being the one to initiate all the contact. If I find myself doing that in a relationship where I'm initiating all the contact, I just back off a bit. Let him make the effort sometimes. Busy or not, if you're his gal then you'll be on his mind and he'll WANT to hear from you sometimes. It just may not always be when you want it to be. Only time will tell......and I'm trying to follow my own advice on that as well. With my guy, there are times I feel confident about it and great, and then other times I'm feeling insecure. It's going to take some time to really get to know this person and let the relationship play out like it should.

this thread pretty much proves it's always the man who has to initiate every contact and put in all the effort.

And your post noy only proves a very narrowminded viewpoint, but also that you did not actually read the thread. Because if that is what you got out of it, you either did not read it, or were not able to comprehend what was written (and I doubt it was the latter). If I may be so bold, if you truly feel that way about women, that they put forth no effort in relationships, depend on men to make all the contact and make all the effort, then why are you on a womens forum? I'm sure there are plenty of forums out there that are perfect for bashing women, though this is certainly not one of them.