[PandaPaws]

I just don't understand the mindset around the whole thing. I'm always hurt whenever I discover that my boyfriend has been looking at porn. I've tried to explain how I feel about it to him but we don't seem to understand each other on the subject.
Yet, he admits to finding all these other women attractive. Self-esteem issues being put aside for this hypothetical situation, why would it be bad if I were more attractive to him?

Then of course there's the simple fact of masturbating to the image of another woman... I'm not sure how this isn't supposed to make us feel bad. If he can become so aroused by another woman, what are we supposed to think?

The "what" of the matter aside, what about simple consideration for your significant other's feelings? Regardless of whether or not I should be upset about it, the fact is that I am, and greatly so. He knows this. He always tells me how he hates upsetting me, how he wants to see me happy... So if he knows that this is one of the things he does that upsets me more than anything, why continue? Is it really -that- important to him? Does he really find it so difficult to masturbate to a mental or concrete image of me when I'm not there with him? Is it really fair that if our situations were reversed, I would stop, but he won't?

I couldn't agree with this more, especially the part I bolded - though he has much more than mental images of me to use... We had some major issues in the past, related to porn, and yet he still will not give it up. I don't know how he doesn't care enough about me to stop. I know he loves me, but I feel like he loves porn more than me, because obviously that is more important to him than making me happy. If porn is "no big deal," then it should be no big deal to STOP looking at it. I feel like this should be a simple request, especially with the history there, and the fact that he has to look at it tells me that he doesn't fully respect me and/or that he is addicted, though he would never admit to either of those...
I have okay days and bad days with this. Today is obviously a BAD day.
/end rant.

[PandaPaws]

Found this on a website titled Pornography Addiction - Who is Hurt?

Pornography Hurts Your Marriage:
O.K. "significant other" for you who aren't married. Sexual intimacy is one of the factors that distinguish a committed relationship from, say, an affair. Though, pornography initially triggers an increase in sexual activity, it is anything but intimate. It wasn't attraction to our partner that generated the contact, but a need to gratify the desires built up by viewing others. Forgive me for being blunt, but this turns our mate into little more than a tool for masturbation. Even more sad is the fact that, over time, our mate becomes the least favorite tool, since the other options place fewer expectations or demands on us. This is more than a weakened relationship, it is infidelity as severe as adultery, the affair being, in this case, with yourself. But, pornography addiction hurts more than our marriage, it hurts our children, too.

It goes into more detail about how it can affect people's lives. Of course some are more extreme than other. The "least favorite tool" part above hit me, not in a good way.

[rcoreyus]

Have you offered to give him erotic pictures / videos of yourself to masturbate to? Maybe he is very visually stimulated and uses porn when you are not around for lack of an alternative.

Of course if he is masturbating when he has the option of having sex with you, that is a whole different issue.

[verwirrung]

PandaPaws,, thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling and that my logic makes sense to someone else. I also know what you mean about good days and bad days. I often just try not to think about it, because I do know that he loves me. I know I'm lucky to have this man and I try so hard not to make this an issue. But those times I can't help thinking about it, the logic behind it, as I explained it, is just so upsetting. It just makes so little sense if he loves me as much as he does, and hates upsetting me as much as he says he does.

rcoreyus, yes, I have. He should have quite a few by now. He doesn't masturbate when I'm there with him, so it's not like he's choosing porn over me when I'm directly available. But it always seems like as soon as I'm not there anymore, he starts again.

That said, I've never believed in porn as an alternative to one's significant other. I masturbate when he's not around, too--to thoughts of him. Why should he need images of other women? Especially when, even if a mental image isn't enough for someone with his exceedingly vivid imagination, he has concrete pictures of me.

[Texinator]

Men watch porn because it offers visual stimulation. However, a girlfriend or wife offers not only visual stimulation but also emotional, intellectual, and physical stimulation. Any man that insists on watching porn even if his significant other asks him to please stop - and he keeps coming with the excuse that all men watch porn, that they need the visual stimulation, and that it is perfectly normal - either has emotional intimacy issues or is just being an inconsiderate [expletive deleted].

[CheatConfession]

I think that men watch porn t fulfill fantasies that they know they can't have in real life. Many people will not cheat or they don't think they will ever have a three way with a nurse and a teacher, so they watch porn to fulfill whatever there desire is for that day.

[rcoreyus]

I guess my feeling is that if the porn or masturbation isn't affecting your sex life, then it isn't a problem. It is when he watches porn INSTEAD of having sex with you that there is a big problem.

I feel the same about women and sex toys (which I view as the equivalent of porn). Fine if they use them by themselves, but not if they are replacing their SO with them. (which also happens).

[stressed]

All I can say is, don't expect it to change. It won't. He won't want you physically any more after a discussion or therapy. He's supposed to want you more than porn by default, not need therapy to do so (which he does). He has issues you're not able to cure with discussion or any means. Men who can watch porn all day long but are too 'whatever' for sex have serious emotional and mental issues. He's one of them.

[verwirrung]

Tex, thank you.

CheatConfession, this is probably often the case, but I'm not sure if it makes it any better. What does it say about a man if he's fantasising about having a three way with a nurse and a teacher rather than a one-on-one with his significant other?

rcoreyus, I agree that it's certainly not as big a problem given that it's not an "instead of" situation. For me, the "instead of" would just make it unacceptable. As it is, it's not as bad, but it's also not good.

However, stressed, he's not one of those men who watches porn -all day- but is disinterested in sex. It's just a matter of, if he knows that watching porn and oogling actresses, etc etc, is something that's so upsetting to the woman he loves, why isn't he stopping. Like I said, not as bad, but not good either. I certainly do -not- see the situation as hopeless in any sense. I do love this man, and know he loves me. I just wish there was a way to get him to understand how upsetting this is.

[stressed]

Erhm... you said:

"You would think my boyfriend of almost 2 years would love that fact but yet he rarely wants to have actual sex and would rather watch porn when I am gone to work or out of the house?"

The above phrase means:

- Almost two years together (i.e. you've just started)
- Rarely wants sex.
- ...but would gladly watch porn as soon as you're gone.

If that's not upsetting to you... it's none of my business.