[PMann1984]

I'm a 26 year old female who has a very high sex drive. You would think my boyfriend of almost 2 years would love that fact but yet he rarely wants to have actual sex and would rather watch porn when I am gone to work or out of the house?

I just dont get it. Is it because there is something wrong with me? I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough in that sense for him to rather turn to porn. Also, I try new things openly but to no avail, he still turns to porn. Advice would be great. Thanks

[Hopeless Dork]

There is nothing wrong with you. Its probably just a habit of his, he found an easy, lazy, no fuss no muss way to orgasm and turns to it like a routine... he doesn't have to worry about pleasing you, he doesn't have to cuddle you after, he can get his rocks off and go on about his day...which would be fine and dandy if you didn't like sex with him.. but seeing as how you do, what he is doing is selfish. You are horny, and faithful to a man that isn't making you feel wanted and desired... and thats going to lead to nothing but resentment and insecurity on your part unless you address the issue with him.

Don't attack the porn, its not about the porn ... its about him neglecting you sexually. Its about your relationship lacking the closeness that you want. If you go head on against the porn, it will be a losing battle -- he will see it as you just not wanting him to see porn and lose sight of the fact that you just want him to spend some of that energy on you.

[jns]

A lot of guys are conditioned to porn as the way to orgasm. They start looking at porn at a young age. They can look at the pictures of a lot of different women, and if one doesn't excite them one day, the next might. They also can get excited by sex in many different ways. And guys tend to like visual images. And they can get sexual release quickly.

Ultimately they are also lazy. To have sex with a SO requires being sensitive to her needs. It also requires time. It may require doing things that some guys feels are not right or not good.

From other discussions and my own personal opinion, if a guy prefers porn over a girl, there will always be a battle for her to get him to give her the time she wants for sex. This will lead to disillusionment and finally a split in the relationship. It would probably be best to move on and find a guy who is into you and not into porn.

[Hopeless Dork]

From other discussions and my own personal opinion, if a guy prefers porn over a girl, there will always be a battle for her to get him to give her the time she wants for sex. This will lead to disillusionment and finally a split in the relationship. It would probably be best to move on and find a guy who is into you and not into porn.

While I think thats true in most cases... I would say to first try to get him to understand whats missing for you... and if he fails to care... THEN... you know the relationship won't get any better. But first talk to him, he may not even realize that you actually enjoy sex with him, he may not even realize the distance he's creating, the hurt he's causing you by ignoring you in the sex department.

There are too many men out there that would be happy to pleasure your body and would be excited that you want to give it to them.. to sit around feeling bad about yourself while your guy is taking care of his own body and forgetting you even have one. So if he acts like its no big deal that this bothers you, if he makes no effort to try to get things going in the right direction... there is nothing more you can do except leave, or stay and be hurt and lonely all the time.

But I wouldn't just assume he knows you want more of his attention if you haven't told him so. Mis communication in this department can be so easily cleared up with TALKING about your feelings... but if you want to have a conversation he can hear... don't get mad, don't get judgemental, don't assume, just talk to him about how you feel and what you WANT to feel and what he can do to make you feel that way.

If he cares he will listen, he will put you more in focus and let the other stuff fade to the background.

[Guest]

You might consider doing a search in this forum using the term porn. Porn has been talked about a lot in here and you may find some helpful information by doing so.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ultimately they are also lazy. To have sex with a SO requires being sensitive to her needs. It also requires time. It may require doing things that some guys feels are not right or not good.

From other discussions and my own personal opinion, if a guy prefers porn over a girl, there will always be a battle for her to get him to give her the time she wants for sex. This will lead to disillusionment and finally a split in the relationship. It would probably be best to move on and find a guy who is into you and not into porn.

And more than likely addiction, what he is used to, likes and that he has no comprehension what constitutes a relationship....

Never, ever, feel that your not beautiful, sexy or can't spice things up, turn him on....This is his problem, NOT yours...

As JNS stated, if from discussions you've got no-where, you'll get no-where, he's into himself and won't compromise.. before he destroys your thoughts on sex and relationships.....move on.

CW

[rcoreyus]

I think its important to separate someone watching porn when their partner isn't available from someone watching porn rather than having sex with their partner. My feeling is that the first isn't a big deal, just a variant of masturbation. The second (your case) is a real problem.

Have you been able to let him know that it isn't the porn as such, but rather that he is watching porn when he could be having sex with you. Maybe if you can put it directly he will understand how bad it is (what man wants to admit that they would rather jerk-off to pictures than have sex with a woman?)

On possible issue: does he watch some sort of fetish or unusual porn. Is there any chance he wants something that he isn't getting sexually. (I'm NOT saying that you should do something about that, just trying to understand what is going on).

[Aqemini1977]

In response to the opening question, men watch porn b/c we enjoy it. We enjoy lots of visually stimulating material. Watching sports, movies, operas, theatrical plays to name a few. But when it comes to watching sexual acts....there is no comparison. Watching people who are attractive engage in erotic pleasure is extremely stimulating to men both physically and mentally. In a healthy adult male (in my opinion), watching sexual acts and actually participating sexual acts don't compete nor compare with each other. Its like comparing apples and oranges...in a healthy male, they don't compare.

Men enjoy looking at beautiful women. I say that in a plural sense. We love our SO and we love to see her but we also appreciate all women we are attracted to. Every man I have known closely (can't speak for all) enjoy watching attractive people engage in sexual acts. This is very hard for most women to deal with. For some reason they seem to internally attach this to how we feel about them.

If your man is presumably healthy and attracted to you but turns you down but has enough mojo to watch/masterbate to porn....he might not be healthy sexually or mentally!

[verwirrung]

I just don't understand the mindset around the whole thing. I'm always hurt whenever I discover that my boyfriend has been looking at porn. I've tried to explain how I feel about it to him but we don't seem to understand each other on the subject.

Also, just to clarify, before I was with him, I watched porn too, nearly as much as any of my male friends. I'm not just someone who hates the thing as a whole. But when I fell for my man, other men became unattractive to me. Watching other people have sex gives me no pleasure now.

That said, for example, he tells me that he finds me very attractive and that if I were in some hypothetical situation to get plastic surgery, he would be angry, because he likes me the way I am. Yet, he admits to finding all these other women attractive. Self-esteem issues being put aside for this hypothetical situation, why would it be bad if I were more attractive to him?

Then of course there's the simple fact of masturbating to the image of another woman... I'm not sure how this isn't supposed to make us feel bad. If he can become so aroused by another woman, what are we supposed to think?

The "what" of the matter aside, what about simple consideration for your significant other's feelings? Regardless of whether or not I should be upset about it, the fact is that I am, and greatly so. He knows this. He always tells me how he hates upsetting me, how he wants to see me happy... So if he knows that this is one of the things he does that upsets me more than anything, why continue? Is it really -that- important to him? Does he really find it so difficult to masturbate to a mental or concrete image of me when I'm not there with him? Is it really fair that if our situations were reversed, I would stop, but he won't?

[WildChild]

Actions speak louder than words.
What do his actions tell you?