[serene_sunsets]

Well,i'm in a relation with a guy since 4 yrs n hes veryy sweet usually but there are a few problems that i'd like to solve..firstly,i dunno y but it seems like he wants to prove me wrong all the time!!even if its a small issue,he just lovesss to argue with me and prove me wrong even though im right..n this really ****es me off!n if i prove him i'm right,he still wont accept it n he'l twist n turn the situation n eventually prove that it was me who was at fault n not him!

secondly,when we fight,he calls me anything that comes to his mind n he expects me to forget it but if i call him something normal like dumb,he'l get reallyyyyy mad at me n then he keeps complaining all the time that i called him dumb!i just dont understand whats the matter with him!!

another problem is that i am a veryyy curious person..i love asking questions n when he tells me to do something ,out of my habit,i just ask him why?n he gets ****ed off that i dont trust him n i always keep asking y i should do this n y i should do that!n no matter how many times i try to explain it to him that i trust him n this is just because i'm curious,he doesnt accept it n creates a bigggg issue out of it!he says i dont respect him n i dont trust him just because i dont agree to everything he says n i ask him questions!!

he is also very immature,whenever we have fights,he threatens to hurt himself n he turns off his phone to scare me!n it scares me like !!i keep trying n trying again n again n then finally later on i get to know hes done nothing n he was just scaring me!he always does this but it still scares me coz u never know what he may do..hes soo weird!!

now i'm not askin advice on how to dump him or something..coz i know i cant live without him n he cant live without me either...its just that hes toooo stubborn n kiddish n i dont know how to handle him n make him more mature..plsssss help!!

[jns]

He sounds like he has a lot of problems. Since you don't want to dump him and insist on going down this road, get him into therapy.

[WildChild]

First you need to adjust your thinking.
There isn't ANYONE that you can't live without.
Period.

This isn't stubborness, it isn't immaturity either. It's called being controlling. It's a set of controlling, manipulative, toxic behavior and it is emotional abuse.
You need to call it what it is. Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive.

Try saying it out loud to yourself. "I am in an emotionally abusive relationship."
How does that feel?

You can live without this in your life.
You can live a much better life without this kind of treatment.

I've been there with the man who threatens to harm himself if you don't do what he wants. I can tell you where that will go. Once that stops working, he will start threatening to harm you. If you don't believe me, call his bluff a few times.

BF: "If you don't listen to me, I'll go jump off a bridge"
You: "That one off 16th Ave would work pretty well. I've got to go help Janny pumice her feet, let me know how that bridge jumping goes, OK?"

BF: "I'm going to ritually disembowel myself" (this is what one of my ex's threatened)
You: "Do it in the tub so it will be easier to clean up." (this was my response the second time - the first time I flipped out and gave him what he wanted - near hysterics)

BF: "I'm going to hang myself"
You: "Tell the parameds hello for me, bye"
Then Call 911 and tell them your bf is threatening suicide and give them his address. Call his bluff. Normal people don't do this stuff. Tell then that he does this regularly.

Chances are if you don't get to the 911 stage, but call his bluff, he will, after a couple times, start threatening you. I've dealt with two different men who pulled this. That is how it went both times. One did later go back to threatening to kill himself and I just called the suicide hotline. He ended up in counseling and I got my life back. Adios to him.

Understand though that this can be very dangerous. He just may decide to take you down with him. Please get this through your head. NORMAL PEOPLE DON"T ACT LIKE THIS!!!!
He has problems that you can't solve. You are enabling him by sticking around and taking it. That just reinforces to him, that his behavior is OK. It isn't. If you stay with him, I can guarantee you that you will end up miserable at best.

Tell him good bye and go find out that you can not only live without him. You can enjoy your life a whole lot more.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Totally agree with WC and JNS.

More than likely he was bullied at school, at home, told off all the time, was never right and has some deep issues here.

As a result of what ever happened, he definately is controlling your every word, emotionally putting you down, bringing you down, and the threats? Is to feel sorry for him, not leave him, another form of control...

Let me ask you, was he your first boyfriend? Because, if so, that's all you know and 4 years, of this, well you'd be feeling in-secure in that big world of dating but let me tell you, this is not the way relationships are and not the way you want to spend your life, you can't fight him he will always have to win....always...

Ask him why he feels the need to control you, does he not realise you've been there 4 years, your not going anywhere? But you will if he continues to disrespect you, put you down and control you....and, empty threats of suicide is attention seeking, yet he has your attention, grow up or lose me.....

See if that changes his thought pattern somewhat, and if not....think about what you are really worth mam.

[Brokenwings]

Great post!!
I agree with you my SO is the same! He will say so much hurtful things to me and expects me to forget but small things i say he takes so wrongly and that's it game over lol
And he always has to be right and getting an apology out of him when he is wrong will never happen as in his eyes he is always right lol

Apart from him hurting himself, he doesn't do that his life us too precious lol

[serene_sunsets]

hey peeps!thanks a lot for ur advice..that was quite helpful!

WC, i really should try that next time!!
n CW, i dont think he was bullied n all coz i know how he was at school...but his parents have quite a big age difference of about 8-10 yrs..n so his mom mostly agrees to things his dad says coz obviously he's much more experienced than her n all...so maybe he wants me to be the same like his mom..i've heard this quite often that guys like their gal to be more like their mom...dunno how true this is though!!

BW..did u try to improve him?any luck??..coz my guy seems totally impossible!!! maybe i could take some tips from u

[imirritated]

I wouldn't say he has problems, that's a matter of prospective. He is who he is, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just have to decide whether or not you are ok with these things. I doubt at this point he will be changing much.

[Hopeless Dork]

Well if you are bent on staying with this guy, despite how he treats you... theres a few things you are going to have to do. Grow a thicker skin so that when he calls you names they roll off your shoulders. If you're curious about something and want to ask him, want to communicate with him -- just let it go, why bother, he won't tell you what you want to know and will only get angry at you. When he does get angry at you, expect him to threaten you with leaving, hurting himself. Expect him to shut you out , turning his phone off. Expect that you will always have to come crawling to him to appologise though you have done nothing wrong in attempts to work things out , lather rinse repeat until next time. If you can see that you will be happy this way... keep going on as you are going.

You said your guy seems impossible and immature, and its very likely because he is impossible and immature.. nothing YOU can do will change those things about him, not even him growing older... because a lot of men stay impossible and immature their entire lives, especially when they can get away with it when people allow them to treat them badly they get all the reinforcement they need to feel like how they act is acceptable.


If you want to stay with him there are things you can do to TRY to make it work... but do understand its out of your hands as to whether or not he actually follows through. He has to WANT to treat you well, you can't just will him to do so. He has to actually care in order to show that he does... and you can't force anyone to care. You can cry and stomp your feet... but in the end his decision to take your feelings more into consideration will be exactly that -- his decision.

Don't reinforce his negative behaviors as okay. If he hangs up on you and shuts his phone off. Don't call him. Don't keep calling til you reach him. Let it go. Let him be the one to contact you. If he calls you a name, leave. Say that you aren't going to stand around and be called names. When he is having his little temper tantrum, just go away from him. Before even thinking about being around him make sure he understands how much he hurt your feelings and don't talk to him unless he is prepared to appologise, prepared to try to find another way to deal with frustration besides calling you names.

Explain to him that he's your boyfriend , and that you want the kind of relationship where you can actually talk to your boyfriend, one that you are allowed to say how you feel, to ask questions without being yelled at. Ask him what is so wrong about that so that you can get a full clear picture of the kind of relationship he wants...

Ask him what he thinks would make him happy... that you should never ask him anything? that he should be allowed to call you anything in the book and you just have to suck it up and take it? maybe he can get some perspective as to why he is doign that in the first place, and what he wants to do differently to make things better.

Or you could always decide to take a break until he's ready to treat you like you deserve.

[Brokenwings]

The thing is I lost motivation to stick up for myself, my SO goes days without talking to me even though he knows how much it hurts.

You need to stick up for yourself because after being verbally abused I stuck up for myself and said would you ever let your sister be spoken to in a disgusting manner so why speak to me like that?
Why do you have the need to swear? Are you kindergardrn child?

I then told him he needs self realisation and he apologised to me!

I do believe people can change but your man is a bit immature by saying he will hurt himself he is attention seeking so don't give it to him, and I know if you don't then he will reply saying you dont care.
Next time i would say ok if you are going to Hirt yourself and be selfish then do it if you want 2 hurt me by you hurting yourself then go ahead because you can't take it anymore!

[Hopeless Dork]

Most people that threaten to hurt themselves as a bargaining chip during a fight... don't mean it. They are just manipulative and know you care about them, so they hit you where it hurts by making you think something you have said or done is going to result in them doing something self-destructive. Its a control tactic and its increddibly cruel thing to do to someone that loves you.

Most people that hurt themselves do so for very personal reasons and are very personal about the way they handle that -- people that harm themselves are generally people that blame themselves, they are also usually very ashamed and don't brag about this sort of thing, don't threaten this sort of thing and certainly don't hold other people responsible for it. People that threaten to hurt themselves are generally seeking attention, sympathy, or control.

If you have any reason to believe he means it, or if he continues to threaten to do something especially if its suicidal threats... you should tell someone. Tell a family member of his, don't try to deal with it on your own -- that is too much responsibility to have to bear and if he is serious, he needs a professional, you aren't equip to keep him from doing something that is damaging to him.