[Yamimi]

Lately I've been considering the option of dating around. I'm 23 and only have had 1 boyfriend in my life. We've been together for about 2-3 years now, so I've never been with a guy until I was about 21. My mom & other members of my family had not liked him very much from day one, and it's finally coming through as to why they didn't. He's not very 'manly' material as in, he has little get up & go to better himself. He is too defensive over his ego and refuses to take help from anyone. In that sense, he's not that great of a person and I am tired of arguing with him about how he can better himself. But first, he has to take the defensive walls down & stop thinking that he knows what he's doing.

I thought about dating around because I know there's all sorts of different men out there. Maybe better than my current boyfriend or defiantly worse, hahah. So, I want the experience of dating & see what's out there in men.

THere is a problem though. I live with my current boyfriend. If we decide to "take a break" or break up, I'll have to move out.. and back in with my mom. Living with my mom isn't the problem. But, most people would know the problems to living with parents again, but I can't support myself.

With that aside, should I bring it up to my boyfriend that I want to leave? I really don't want to leave, but I'm tired of feeling shut up from the rest of the world.

[Yamimi]

I also forgot to mention...that he's been a real lately and it's to the point where I'm not really appreciating it. He works 4, 11 hour days in a row, and has 3 days off in a row. I can completely understand that after that, a person what's their weekend off to do nothing. I got to school. Because of that, I don't currently have a job. I ask him for NO money except to get to school on the train. Even though I'm a student, I consider myself unemployed. So to earn my pay in rent & whatnot, I cook & clean. So, basically I'm a wife without being married (yeah, I regret that)

Anyway, I asked him Saturday if that on Sunday could he take me to the store & get a few things I needed to get my homework done. Most of the day was arguing about how he didn't want to go to the store - basically cause he was lazy & it was his first day off. So, I try to make a compromise. I'm like, "Okay, I know it's your first day off from work this weekend, and if you don't want to go to the store, just give me 20 dollars & I'll make sure I'll buy cheaper supplies." And THEN I also offered to go grocery shopping! All I had to do was borrow the car with a few dollars in cash. Could have had it all done. But no, he's always had a fit about me borrowing the car even though I have a license AND I'm insured. I was like, "Really? You don't even have to get up and I could get my homework done!" So, we ended up not getting my stuff done Sunday as she promised to me we'd get it all done Monday. Monday morning my grandma calls saying that some stuff was happening and that I had to be there. I was like, "Okay, but Rich & I gotta run some errands so I can get my school work done." As a mom, she offered to do it for me instead, and my boyfriend didn't bat an eye at that. Didn't even offer to give my MOM the money knowing she didn't really have any to spend on me, but was being nice because she's my mom. What a jerk. So, bottom line - I get held up all because of some dumb & him not wanting to go out that day when I could have easily done it myself, if he has let me. Argh. I'm still ****ed about it as I'm writing this out.

As far as I'm aware, guys aren't suppose to be (edit) like that. That's kind of what's pushing me to date around & see what's better, if anything. I just wish I had more money to support myself first. I'll be kicking myself in the for now, but it might ben the right choice in the long run. WHat are my odds?

[Yamimi]

No answer yet, I see. Perhaps it ISN'T a good idea then?

[Hopeless Dork]

But first, he has to take the defensive walls down & stop thinking that he knows what he's doing.

Take the defensive walls down, I get. "Stop thinking he knows what he's doing"... throws me for a loop. You say he's not a manly 'go getter' ... but also want him to stop thinking for himself? Or at least to stop thinking he knows whats best for him? Whether he's right or wrong in your eyes, a person should not even be asked to not think they know whats best for them... because they are the only ones that truly do.

If you feel so badly toward him, don't see him as a man, don't love him like a woman should love the man thats their boyfriend... then you shouldn't let the fact you will have to move in with mom be whats deterring you. No one would want someone staying with them for convienence rather than love.. not that I can imagine.

It sounds like the way he acted about the shopping was sort of jerky, but I have no idea what the backstory is there... or how you asked or what the mood was like when you did.

But I do think if you are unhappy you should not tie him down to a woman that doesn't really respect him, nor should you be tied to a man you don't have much respect for.

You have two choices really to make things better for yourself that I can see. , work on your relationship -- realize that the grass really isn't greener and that different doesn't = better, explain to him how it makes you feel when he controls the car and money the way he does and see if he is willing to listen to your feelings on that and make compromises with you... etc.

Or move on..

No one here can really tell you whats the right thing to do, you have to decide that for yourself.

[WildChild]

I'm not sure I understand why you feel he is obligated to support you financially. I was self supporting while in college, it isn't onerous to have a part time job and go to school. In fact when I first went back to college I was working 60hrs a week and carrying a full credit load, I made the honor roll every term durning that time. My daughter is in college in a fairly rigorous program, she works and has made the deans list every term. Working while in college is not that unusual.

Certainly if he is supporting you and you aren't married, you really have no business judging him as "un-manly", not having any "get up and go" or needing to improve himself under your direction, while living under his roof, eating his food and spending his money - however frugally. Frankly your attitude baffles me.

Why would your boyfriend give your mom money to spend on you?
Why would you think that you should be able to date other men while living with and being supported by him?
You need to get a job of some sort either on campus or close to it and become at least partially self supporting. If you can't manage to get a place on your own or with some female roommates, then move in with your mother and go to school and work. Then you can date anyone you want to.

[Mighty Grasshopper]

Are you asking us for our opinion or trying to convince yourself? Break up with him and move out. You mention that he's not ”manly” about things but do you think that sticking it thru because he helps pay the rent is ”womanly” of you? Be true to yourself and to him. Leave him already.

[Yamimi]

I'm sorry that my story's so confusing, no wonder I haven't been getting answers.

I wish I could clarify, I really do. Most of my frustration is coming from what other people keep telling me "what a man should do" My mom, for one, of course will never think he's good enough for me. She believes a man is suppose to support a woman. So, everytime my boyfriend fails to help me with something she gets ****y therefore making me think I should hate him for it.

There was something a while ago that he did that truly did me off,but I don't know anymore. All I know is that too many people are telling me too many different things about "How a relationship SHOULD go" and it's making me angry thinking I just can't take care of it myself. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship, which makes me sad. I'm 23 and have only been with ONE guy in my life and we've only been together 2 years or so.

That's why I'm thinking maybe I need to date around a bit. To see what I want vs. what other people tell me what I should have.

[Mes T]

If you have this intense want to date around, that's reason enough right there to break up darlin. That feeling won't just go away on its own.

Sounds like your mom might have dated views of what is "manly" and what isn't... And parents in general rarely think that their child's partner is good enough for them. I've dated a few really nice guys in the past, but of course they were never QUITE what my parents had in mind!

Remember it's not your mom dating this person, it's you.

Also, I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm trying to influence you in a certain direction, but... Rarely do people stay with their FIRST boyfriend or girlfriend. I agree with you that you'd have a better understanding of what you want by dating around a bit.

Can you move in with a friend, if you don't want to go back to living at home? Heck you can search on craigslist for other people seeking roommates (of course be careful if you're gonna consider doing it with a stranger).

[WildChild]

You haven't answered WHY you think he should support you?
Why you aren't doing anything toward supporting yourself?
WHY do your family and freinds think your bf is obligated to support you? Did you put him through medical school or something and now it's your turn?
I just do not understand where you are coming from.

[Yamimi]

WildChild -

- I haven't thought about it for myself yet. The only answer I keep coming up with is "because everyone else in my family/friends says he should"

- Also, I am. Just because I'm going to school doesn't mean I'm not STILL trying to find a job for myself. , I'm even trying to make a quick buck by trying to sell decorated cakes, among other things.

- EVerytime I ask them "why you think he should support me?" they come up with reasons like, "Because he should. You cook, clean & take care of the house for him." But Usually I argue back that he goes to work. I didn't put him through school, though they all think he should help me through school.

I think their reasons are too old-fashioned. Back in the days where men did support women. Me - I don't have a view either way, and that's why I keep getting angry & confused over this relationship.