[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yamimi,

You are 23, you are your own person and therefore first and fore-most you have to gain your "own" opinions, morals, standards, wants, desires in life, not how others tell you how it should be,because really they are only telling you their opinion, views of their own beliefs.

In today's world, we "will work" obtain good jobs as women...therefore, we are more independent, stand on our own two feet, and do not rely on someone else to take care of us...In the oldern days, it was harder, jobs were harder and woman popped out loads of kids

Relationships are about equality...You need to "stop" listening and working it out for yourself, read up on what constitutes a good relationship...

He pays the rent, the food, your bus, petrol for the car, going out, birthday presents, cards, toilet paper, washing powder, electricity, water, rego, insurance, do I need to go on? To you cooking his food and cleaning..You are already resenting this on your end, playing the wife. He is resenting spending everything he has of his 11hrs of work, to then in addition his time, so you can further your education there is no relationship...Ask your Mother if she is seriously happy and has a great sex life, I bet the answer is no...

Get a part time job.

He's going to leave you seriously.... Forget about you leaving him.

Your confusion over being peeved at him, is the consistant information thrown down your throat, every boy in today's age wants equality, every single one of them....

And if you don't learn independence, you are going to never own anything of your own or know who you are, whilst purely living always off of someone...

Not a good future huh.

CW

[Yamimi]

My mother's widowed, thanks. And according to her, she had a good life, but everything she's telling me is based off what her & her husband did. I'm not sure what Rego is, but yeah he does pay for everything else. Although the food & house is for us, he doesn't buy me presents and we don't go out so that we CAN live in our apartment, so I can't complain. I'd rather live somewhere & eat than go out all the time & be poor.

I've had a job before, too. I'd be independent if being laid off from my full time job hadn't screwed me over. I'm STILL trying to find a new job while I balance school.

Wow, I kind of feel insulted.

Either way, I understand that I do need to listen to myself more often. Listening to other people has already proved to nearly kill me with stress.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm sorry if you felt I was hard, harsh, nasty, etc, etc, etc.

I'm sorry your Father has passed away and I stand corrected in her instance, rather it was the old school and they were happy but often that's not the case, they lose their independence, they sit at home all the time and play Mum and Wife, they are not happy and you are not happy doing that either , being that wife, cooking cleaning....

In any event, rego is car registration..wouldn't it be nice if he could buy you presents? That you could date and go out for dinner? If there were two incomes you could do both. Do you think that maybe he would love this as well? Isn't it romantic, don't you feel special, both of you, connected doing things together, outside of a home?

I was saying that in the oldern days, that was what it was...But in today's world we as woman can become who ever we want in life, business wise and earn the same, if not more, so we can be equal and do more "together" as a couple.....


We all get screwed over, and we get back up and go again, because why should we let them win?

What is it you really want? The school studies to become what? OR , a full time job, I ask because ...it was full time so you didn't need school, is there a passion there for school?

Either way.... Again the point I was making, was, if he can't go out, buy things, can't date you, be happy, live a life instead of paying bills, and coming home and paying bills, he will leave himself....

Coupled with you telling him off and now wanting out, for something he has been doing for you, paying everything ...

To be dumped...for being nice really.

I am trying to give you my opinion that no.....men do not like to support a woman entirely ....and never date....her....

If you are offended I am sorry but look deeper inside and really see what he has given up, is giving up and doing for you and look deeper inside and say stuff that boss and go with a vengence to find a job and become one ....equality.....no one is picking on you....

CW

[Yamimi]

It would be nice to have presents & be able to go out. But even when I had a fulltime job, it was kind of one sided with me buying him things, and he never really wanted to go out much, so we just hung around his house before I moved in. He wanted me to move in & I was stupid enough to say yes. Something told me I should have waited and I kind of regret it now. Eh, too late now.

I'm aiming for an eventual career in my life. When I graduated high school, money was more important in mom's house, so I went to work right away. Found a full time job & stayed with it since I was 17 up until a year ago. Whatever money I didn't have to give to mom for rent went into savings for school. I had plans to eventually go to school, and now I'm doing it. But then, I lost the job and so far only had a temporary part time job. When I first started living with the boyfriend, I still had the full time job and was still expected to pay part for rent + whatever. Even when I had my unemployment check come in, I had to pay for utilities.

I'm sorry, CW, but being coupled with anger right now (Not at you) I'm still having a bit of trouble seeing your point. To me, it sounds like that things would be better if more money was coming in.

I agree, but even with what I said just now, he never was a going out kind of person. We never dated in the beginning. We were friends first, so I guess we fell in a routine too early. I don't know.

I WISH That he wasn't the only caretaker. I have incentive to bring in money too with a job because I've done it before. Beacuse I had a full time job for so long, maybe I'm just not up to date in the job market. I'm not sure why I'm having trouble finding a job. Except for the one I had for a short time.. But still.

You're right. I basically have nothing to fault him for. I'm *shrugs* Just an in-just person, I guess. I can't really make up my reasons for why I feel this way yet and that's whats been most frustrating.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Always follow your gut feeling

If you have already, been down that road, and it wasn't inviting then, you bought presents, he still didn't and you still stayed home, and life was blah...then he is a home body and probably just a lad, so romance isn't going to be there...

You are always going to have to share expenses in your life regardless, you did at home, you did when you worked, and with unemployment benefits, that's never going to change...

But, has he changed since you have started school and can't contribute at all? Is that the anger you are feeling, the way he speaks, things he says, acts etc and is that why your Mother is saying it's a man's job to look after a woman?

If a guy loves you he will compromise and take the heat whilst you aim at getting the career you want, for "both of you"...

He's viewing you as a flat mate, not a soulmate, if he's talking down at you for this period of your life, because you did contribute when you met him and was able to...He's not supporting you emotionally now, don't allow that to make you fail at school, that is highly important and a part time job if you can get one will be good for you as well, emotionally so you don't have to ask him for that $20 or to borrow the car...

You have to tell him how you're feeling, why school is important to you, that you understand it's frustrating for him, but, it's emotionally frustrating for you too, that you did contribute when you were working, and un-employed and this is a phase,and in that if he doesn't want to support you, in that phase, then the relationship isn't going anywhere...

I know that it is frustrating, losing that independence, maybe having to go back home, having to ask for money, not being able to get from A-Z...

But, it's probably frustrating for him as well, when there is no laughter, only frustration...

Decide if you were home and dated, would you miss your boyfriend.....

If you don't think you would then get on with your life, if you think you would but it's more of him understanding where you are at present, where you were and where you are going, then talk to him...

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

If you believe that a man should support you as his 'duty', then you might have to accept the womanly duties that were also a part of the whole package of man work/womans work which would mean dropping out of school and cranking out babies, staying barefoot pregnant -- keeping the mouth shut and letting the big man make all the big decisions. Seriously is 2011 -- we are way beyond that. I have no idea why something your mom says would cause you to be ANGRY at your relationship. If you want to date around, be a grown up about it and tell your boyfriend what your plans are... looking for excuses to justify your desire to see whats out there is not even necessary. The only person you have to convince is yourself, and if you are convinced that you need to explore the other side of the fence... then end things and do it.

But brace yourself for the fact that whatever journey you set forth on, staying with this guy or moving on to the next... that it won't be a man that makes you happy, you have to be happy with yourself and find someone else that can add to that, not create it for you.

[rcoreyus]

Different styles of relationships can work.

In some cases both work, make similar amounts of money and share chores (not necessarily do the same chores, but similar effort). That can work very well and there are happy couples in this situation.

In some cases only one works (usually, but NOT always the man), and the other stays home and does chores, takes care of children, etc. This can also work well if both are happy with this situation. It does give the working partner a great deal of power, since the non-working person can't easily leave, but if they are reasonable honorable people it can work. This type of relationship is becoming less common in the US and Europe but it does still exist.

A more confusing case is when one works and the other is going to school. If the school is directed towards a real career, this can be fair as well - as long as the person going to school is willing to commit to a long term relationship where they will help support the couple. If the working partner is putting the student through school, and the student plans to leave, then this could be unfair unless the student is providing something in return. That return could be chores (if there is enough time outside of school), or work (if they can make enough in their spare time to contribute), but both are difficult. What this generally turns into is trading sex for support. Its unpleasant to think of it that way, but it is often the truth. Again if both are aware of the situation and are happy with it, that's fine.

Please don't misunderstand - I don't think that relationships need to be equal - count dollars, chores, etc. But I do think they should be fair. That each should be contributing something significant to the happiness and well-being of the other - money, chores, sex, whatever. (and by sex I mean doing what your partner wants, not just what you want).

I think people should look at their relationships and see if they are fair - if each partner is doing something for the other. A unfair relationship usually leaves one person unhappy, and often both.