[ren_07]

Why thank you Mes T Although I am better being the outsider looking in than analyzing my own life. Hopefully I can shake this feeling of being a homewrecker lol

[pretzel]

I guess a couple of questions,

Being in PA, most colleges are out for the summer. How much time will the two of you be spending this summer? It might be work out well and will give you both the time to think and talk about where this is heading.

On another note, if there is something there, that's between the two of you, not him and his ex gf. Why keep it under wraps for fear of making her upset and spiteful? It might have an effect on your relationship with her since you both know each other, but if you weigh the risk of your friendship with her against your happiness in pursuing a relationship with him, then that's what's important.

[ren_07]

The pros and cons of losing her friendship and having a relationship with him are pretty close. I would feel like a bad friend, it would make group situations awkward, and my roommate is good friends with her and probably would be ****ed at me to find out. I can just see lectures upon lectures from them about how much of a jerk move it was of me and no explanation I could possible give could justify it. However, you all see plenty of explanations, as do I, but I'd still be made to feel bad. Also, I wouldn't be able to take him to events like school dances bc we all go the four of us. And other things. It's sad, but whatever. Just something I'd have to deal with I guess.

Do you think he's thought about these things himself? I just don't see why he wants to pursue something with me that's so difficult unless he's completely not foreseeing issues or doesn't care. He's not trying to make her jealous bc she has no idea for 6 months that we've been getting closer.

We'd probably see each other once a week at best. He has no problem driving out to meet me in the city. This will prevent us from moving too fast as you said, which makes me happy. So I think this summer we'll see each other like that, talk regularly, and have a chance to figure out where it's going without being caught up in the heat of the moment or saturating each other with visits. Men fall in love in the spaces so hopefully this is the perfect test to see how he really feels. The only thing I worry about is that she lives in his town. She could go to his house and harrass him if she wanted to, which she's done.

[ren_07]

The other thing is, he didn't go to college himself. Only took a few classes here and there. He does random work now, not sure what his goals or ambitions are. My parents are very VERY strict about me finding a man who goes/went to college and has a degree (even though my dad went to college and dropped out...never getting a degree.) My dad's a hard worker though and so is this man, he's very ambitious. My parents, upon finding this out since it's the first question they ask about a guy I'm seeing, would probably let into me about it and play up the fact that he dated a friend of mine even more to try and make me feel bad and end it. They're manipulative. I think I'll post a topic about partners who didn't go to college in the forum.

[pretzel]

Ren, here's what I think right now. I'll preface this by saying that my kids and my step kids are for the most part your age group (18-25).

Yeah, your right that your roommate, friends etc. would see this in a bad light. You'll have to deal with that and nothing will make it go away. But, understand that first off, you weren't the reason this guy and his ex broke up, were you? It's also at least 6 months past and they're still mad at him for the breakup? Who's holding the grudges here? Who's the one not willing to accept that they aren't a couple anymore?

I may offer another option that he may be pursuing you. He already knows you. It was easy since you ran in pretty much the same circles. He may not care what others think or maybe he has thought about it and is willing to deal with the same things you'll have to deal with (i.e. backlash from your friends). I would definately try and get a gut feeling about this since it may well end and you could very easily be in the same situation that other girl is in right now.

Finally, your dad may have wished that the person you get involved with is either in college or has graduated. However, if my daughter or step daughter had a boyfriend similar to yours, the only question and only thing I'd demand and he should fear my wrath is if he's not treating you the way you should be treated.

[ren_07]

Thank you very much for that insight I like your perspective as a mom.

They break up and get back together on and on. The cheating happened in December and that was pretty much the big dive bomb. Still, he never "officially" ended it until April. So technically it is really soon after the breakup that I'm coming into the picture as a potential relationship. She still has to handle losing someone close to her from a one-two year relationship, even though she was being unfaithful emotionally and sometimes physically a good bit of the time. I'm hoping a slow date approach throughout the summer with a clearer decision when school starts up again will allow enough time for her to grieve and move on before finding us out. And for me to see if he's still gonna run back to her in the end.

I agree with you. My parents do care a lot about how a guy treats me and will eventually look past it, but at first they will be brutal. I think they see caring for someone and treating them well as going hand in hand with being able to provide for them financially and if they feel a guy won't do that (aka he doesn't have a degree or a stable, well-paying job) they'll disagree with my choice. Sadly, I've dated people with really sucky majors that won't get a job whatsoever come graduation and somehow they're still more desirable to my parents than someone without a degree. What's ALSO hilarious is I almost went to a renowned art school instead of a medical school, meaning someone would be taking care of my broke butt lol

[pretzel]

Ren,

Just for clarification, I'm a guy and probably your parents age if not a little older.

Your first paragraph, at that point I'd say, whoa, slow down. You may be asking for more trouble than you really want at this point. The fact that they've been on and off, and that there has been a degree of unfaithfulness (and do you know for sure it wasn't both of them being unfaithful?) the emotional ups and downs. You may well be asking for something you may not really want to deal with later on.

And, as for your parents, well maybe it is unreasonable. Nobody ever said that parents aren't unreasonable sometimes. We're human and not always right even though we will never admit it. But if you understand that they only want the best for you and to them, that is something important, then let them have their views right now.

At some point you'll meet the man you want to marry. Chances are when that happens, whether he has a degree or not will be less important as he becomes more important to you.

[ren_07]

haha thanks for clarifying your gender

I appreciate your input. I know he never cheated on her. He's too much of a mushy guy anyways I'm not sure he's emotionally capable lol Regardless, I am trying to be cautious about all this by keeping it casual until September. Would you say that's reasonable?

[pretzel]

haha thanks for clarifying your gender

I appreciate your input. I know he never cheated on her. He's too much of a mushy guy anyways I'm not sure he's emotionally capable lol Regardless, I am trying to be cautious about all this by keeping it casual until September. Would you say that's reasonable?

At a minimum, yes I'd say that is definately what you should do.

[ren_07]

Is there something else you would recommend since you said at a minimum?