[lots1056]

My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 months shy of 2 years, he is 32 and I am 26. We have two girls, 2 1/2 years and 4 months, 4 month old is biologically his, the 2 1/2 year old he has taken on the role as her father since her father is not around. We live together, he is unemployed at the time and since he is looking for work the girls are in daycare. I have always seen us as a family and just paid all the bills, let him use my car to look for work, cooked dinner, taken care of the girls 90% of the time while at home, no complaints. Recently we have been arguing about how much time he spends outside of our home, which is way too much in my book. He is out running around all day while I am at work, he picks me and the girls up takes us home, then has an excuse to get out of the house (goes to his parents to pick something up, talk to them about something, goes to his buddy's house to help with a project, drop something off for a friend) then he is gone all evening, sometimes after I go to bed.

His excuse the other day was that we havent been together that long... which stopped me in my tracks, because we have two kids and live together. I have been sacrificing and supporting him so we can stay together and the girls will have their father there.

I guess I am just trying to understand from a man's point of view or get some ideas as to why he thinks this way. Maybe just a vent, maybe looking for some one to be on my side, just feeling used.

Shouldn't he as a father spend time at home? Especially with the girls? What does he mean by not been together that long, does it matter how long? We share EVERYTHING, including children!

Thank you for listening, and thanks for any advice!

[lizzardb63]

It shouldn't matter how long you've been together, he has a responsibility to take care of his child. I take it you've sat down and talked to him about this? How has your relationship been in other aspects, such as your sexual relationship? Is that absent too?

I sounds a little fishy that he has all these excuses.

[wendilee]

it would seem to me that if you are working and leaving him the car, then he should have found a job by now. and you are paying for daycare, gas, food, etc, yet he isnt contributing at all? not emotionally or with money. um, no that is wrong. he should be the homemaker while you are the bread winner. You should not have to put up with taking care of your two children and him. He is a grown man. additionally if he feels that you havent been together that long, then obviously he does not have what you have invested in the relationship.
you really need to take a step back and look at what he is doing. how would he feel if the roles were reversed?
relationships require work on both sides. and if one of those is not willing to work on the it, then the other one is working to death, yet getting no where.

i agree also that his excuses sound fishy. dont let this go. stand up for yourself, you do not want your daughters to grow up thinking it is ok to treat women that way.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You've been together for nearly 2 years.

You say he is un-employed "at this time" but go onto say that basically in all of this time, you have been paying all the bills, and giving him your car... A person can not be un-employed for 2 years and looking for work in my opinion, something would have come up, anything, even washing dishes, I don't think you would care what it was, if it meant that he was trying to contribute and was home for his "family". You have a right to feel used, you are being used....

His comment of haven't been together that long...Is non acceptance of 'committment' that he has a "family". But accepting you will pay the bills, lend the car, put petrol in it, cook, clean, attend to your children and he can live there and take all of that just because he sperm donated, is selfish and dis-respectful....

I know you want the children to have a Father but do you want to keep living this way? Never having someone come home and smile, hold you, ask you how your day was, cook something just for you, laugh with you and the children, a family?

I agree, "enough" he needs to get a job, grow up, learn responsibilities or else you are better of doing it alone given that's exactly what you are doing at present in any event.

[lots1056]

Thank you! I agree with what you say about the excuses, and he always has one. We still have a great sex life, but it is only when he is home of course. When he is home he is very loving towards me, very attentive to my needs, and a great dad. And he does do side jobs once in a while to contribute but I feel he could do better. And he should have a job by now, I have tried not to discourage him, but I cant take sitting back any longer. I have asked him soo many times, I cant count them, to spend more time with us. We will talk about this and he will tell me what he is upset about and it will get better for a week, then he will go back to being away more often. Then we start the process again. We have talked this time and it just doesn't seem to get anywhere. He did tell me that he feels that he is left out of the family, which I feel he has seperated himself from us.

[lots1056]

He has only been unemployed for about 4 months, but to me seems like forever, so it may have came across that way.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Change the rules.

Dinner time, do it together, make it random he picks out what he wants to cook and you just help, reverse the next night, take out photos and sit around and reminise, stop somewhere after work and have an ice-cream together and help him write resumes or look for work...

If you are so busy with all that you are doing, he may also feel that neglect not part of a family and not care, hense not really look for work and want to be away from things, he may also feel embarrased ? Over not providing for the family and therefore a little depressed? Therefore, not bother either....

[lots1056]

I have been thinking along those lines CW. I think that is what it is, but I am so hard headed and feel that I have been doing that for too long and I have girls to look after. I do feel it is worth working on and want to keep him around, but on the other hand, reading what I have wrote I feel like I can't believe that he is doing this to me and that he is the one doing it. I have cut off him using my vehicle because for one, I LOVE the 10 mintues I have by myself from daycare to work, then from work to pick them up. I really think I have just got so overwhelmed trying to do everything, and have probably pushed him aside out of resentment.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If a man chooses to be anywhere else other than the home, you have to ask yourself why?

If you are overwhelmed with work, house work, cooking, cleaning, children, there is no room for "love" sex is another thing

If you feel resentment then it's showing, and he is running out the house you know it's funny because alot of guys can't communicate their thoughts, emotions but usually a simple sentence they speak is how they are feeling....

So, somehow you have to in my opinion, include him in the "FUN" and family side of your lives and I suspect it would be happier and in that, he would help more as well as look more for work for his family....

[lots1056]

Thank you so much, I can understand that. You have great advice!