[Nurse2be]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost four years. We have lives together for over two of those years and enjoy spending almost all of our free time together. I am in school due to finish with my nursing degree in 6 months and my boyfriend owns a home, works for a good company and is applying for grad school. We have two awesome cats and have families that love us both. There is one problem that has been surfacing lately and I am in need of advice.... I want to be engaged, like VERY soon, and my boyfriend doesn't see the point in getting married right now due to school, ect. I do not want to get married right now either, however, I do not see the problem in being engaged and taking our relationship to the next level. Wedding planning can wait. It worries me that my boyfriend is a commitment-phoebe, or worse yet, doesn't want to marry ME. We have had many arguments regarding this topic and he always says I WANT TO MARRY YOU BUT DON'T SEE THE POINT IN IT RIGHT NOW. I did a lot of research online and found a lot of women with the same problem, or worse, ten years down the line. I do not want this to be me. Last time we argued about this I almost left... for good. He told me that it may be a year or so before he will be ready to be engaged. This killed me. I love this man and have shared four wonderful years of my life with him and have a terrible time trying to figure out how I can be ready to marry him but he not me? I know he cares for me deeply and talks of our future together, but is it for real? We are both still finishing our education and I know that has a huge part in it, but am I crazy for feeling insecure about him not proposing? All of my friends are now married or in the process of and I am feeling as though this man may never marry me and I may be wasting precious years. I am 24 and he is 26.... Does anyone have some words of wisdom or advice for me? I can use all the help I can get.

[kygirl]

Nurse:

Well you are still young at 24 and 26, but you're not exactly fresh out of high school either. Or maybe he is planning on proposing and doesn't want to tell you? Or maybe you're right? The thing is that you don't really know. If you trust him, and you feel like he *will* propose, then I think all you can really do is either put down an ultimatum or wait.


The thing about ultimatiums is, who really wants to be engaged because you just harassed someone to death about it? You don't want him to propose out of fear or pressure, do you? I mean, probably not really. I think I would express your fears to him and let him know why you think it's important to do it. Also just reassure him that you know that now may not be the exact right time to have the wedding, but that you are happy and would like to move to the next level. It doesnt' necessarily sound like he's not ready to marry you bc it's you but bc of the situation.

Did he say why on the engagement other than school? Is it money concerns? I've known some guys that put it off when they get ready bc they want to buy a nice ring for their girlfriend. It really could be a million things. If you love him and want to spend your life with him, you have to ask yourself what's most important--a ring on your finger or being with the man you love.

[Little]

If he wants to put it off because of school, how long will that wait be? 6 months for you, but how long will grad school be for him?

And what is the point of being engaged if you are not planning the wedding or planning to be married on a set date? Are you sure you want to be married to this man, or do you just want the "title" of fiancée?

[Ashlee T.]

I don't think there should be a time set for it.

I do understand why you're viewing it as something symbolic in your relationship, some extra assurance that he wants to be with you forever. But is there ever really any true assurance, with or without the ring?

Nothing wrong with wanting to get married, but don't pressure it because you feel it's "time". Let it come naturally. If he's not ready to be married or engaged, that doesnt necessarily mean he doesn't love you or want to marry you. He may just not be ready NOW. And he's doing you a huge favor by being honest with you about that. Look at the divorce rate, he's smart to be concerned, to be leary, to be a slow mover.

Now, if there are OTHER issues with the relationship that you're in denial about (not saying there is ) that are causing you to feel doubtful of his love for you therefore you want the ring as extra assurance, acknowledge those. If you truly truly believe this man loves you and you trust him, then there should be no concern of your future. If not, then that's a different story.

[-Kya-]

I agree with BD - Just because he has said that he doesnt want to get engaged to you yet, it doesnt mean he doesnt love you or doesnt want to get married to you in the future. Your still doing your nursing degree and he's going to grad school - I can totally see why engagement would not be sitting at the top of his thoughts.

You need to stop worrying about him not proposing to you - because lets face it, at the end of the day you cant force someone to propose. If hes not ready for it, then hes not ready for it.

Would you want him to propose to you because he feels he has to for your sake? or would you want him to propose to you when he knows he is as ready as you are, and is happy, comfortable and confident with this next step? I know what i'd be choosing.

[Guest]

An engagement to some is the next step in a series of steps in committment.

If it's that important to you, then it warrants further conversation. I would suggest not allowing it to become an argument.

Could his lack of interest have anything to do with $$$$ ?? You're both in school or soon will be and perhaps he's feeling strapped for cash and wants to wait until he can afford the ring he wants you to have or feels you deserve...we men can be stubborn that way.

We only get one chance to "pop the question" and believe it or not, we want it to be perfect too. Including the size of the stone.

Men feel, but don't reveal, that we are inadequate in many ways that, to some, not buying a nice ring for the woman they love, shows the world that we are cheap/inadequate.

The last thing most men want to do is announce to the world that they are cheap/inadequate when it comes to anything to do with the woman they love.

[Elanor-Jane]

the only part of marriage that i value as opposed to being in a long term relationship is that you become responsible for each other. technically, literally etc. theres not just the sentiment.
the rest for me is SOMETIMES attractive but unnessasary. im 26 and "husband and wife" to me sounds old and unnatractive (not that old=unnactractive, but it is a dowdy picture in my mind of two people sitting at home being married, or sitting at dinner with other married couples being married) so its not something id personally rush into.

the only bits that seem attractive is the idea of a wedding and honeymoon etc, but thats fleeting. i dont want to EVER stand up infront of a whole room of people and gaze into my partners eyes and talk about forever. forever is awesome but id prefer it sealed in a little white chapel somewhere is vegas, a little drunk.

secondly however it does wee me off that when women propose marriage (saying "i want to marry you" or "i want to get married" IS a proposal) and its met with "no maybe next year" wheres the apology?? if a man asked a woman and she said "not just yet" she would also apologise and say "THANKYOU!! thats so sweet but im just not ready". ever hear a guy say that?

granted the money thing is an issue. my ex said he wanted to marry me but he wanted enough money to buy a nice ring, and enough money to seem like a suitable husband. i didnt need all that but thats what society as ingrained in us. it was so important to him that i eventually just believed he was full of it. sad really.

so i know where your coming from, i wanted that "engaged" feeling but it wears off. for me it was just something i needed proving for myself and it would change the dynamic a little and give the relationship a fresh new purpose.

[orchiddreams]

If you are living together consider that as a form of commitment. Is he exclusive with you? That is a form of commitment. It sounds like he wants you to both be successful that is a huge form of commitment to the stability of your future lives together. Don't rush into it just because it is the traditional next step.

My bf wanted to marry me as soon as he met me. Told his mom he would marry me. It's taken me five years to finally say yes I am ready now- you can go buy the ring. Sure I could have told him to buy the ring, but it wouldn't make me feel anymore ready.

Don't push him away- it has got to come from his heart. Don't automatically assume that he is a commitment phobe. He is committed to accomplishing his goals and wants you to achieve your goals - that's not indicative of a commitment phobe.

Focus on what you do have right now- a loving relationship. It is only a waste of time if you truly feel that way about him. My bf has waited and will wait as long as it takes. Perhaps he has his own fairy tale in mind.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

At this point and time in your life, people talk "why aren't you married", your friends get married, and here you are pondering about your future, where it may head and you research and find other people in the same boat as you, so you start thinking.

What does that tell you really?

To me it says, I am getting old, people are talking about our future, my friends are married, I have to get at least engaged in-other-words, you are reading and listening and observing 'OTHER PEOPLE'S' thoughts and minds and not your own.

If he genuinely shows you love and you are over the moon living together and you are happy, a piece of paper isn't going to make it better, it already is great right?

Stop reading on-line situations that are not yours....I bet they are un-happy women who isn't shown alot of love or affection either.... People hide over the internet and as for your friend? You both are smart, you are happy together, very happy, it's a piece of paper, and you are working towards your future, ensuring you have secure jobs, finances ...

You are allowed and should live your lives the way you want...Not how other people percieve you to live it

[jns]

I would say wait to get engaged, because you need to finish your studies and he needs to finish his. Your engagement is probably also being held hostage by the diamond cartel.