[Magnetism]

The following post may be triggering, so don't read it if it disturbs you.

For 11 months, I thought my boyfriend was the right person for me. My past relationships involved forced sex, put-downs (you're stupid, nobody likes you), and being pressured to obey my toxic parents' rules. While on those dating sites, I kept running into men that wanted casual sex. When I met my boyfriend, he wanted something serious. He patiently waited and didn't force me to have sex. He praised me and told me he was proud of me of what I overcame. He was validating and supportive when I told him about my family. He said it was good that I lived away from my family, whereas my ex boyfriends pressured me to do as my parents said. My boyfriend didn't make me feel like a bad person or a for having been sexually abused.

I move in with my boyfriend a month ago and BAM! All of these controlling and intrusive behaviors surface. He doesn't want me to be on facebook or post on these forums. He wants me to delete people off of facebook. He pressuring me to not be a part of online sexual abuse groups. Talking to other sexual abuse survivors is important to me. Why can't he respect me what I value? He says that facebook and sexual abuse groups make me too depressed. Huh? Who is he to know how I feel? When I tell him that I don't feel depressed, he says "You don't even realize that you act like a zombie." It's bizarre for someone to act as if they know everything that's going on in your head.

He has also said I act dumb, retarded and stupid. His justification is, "I'm not name-callng you. I'm just calling your actions dumb." What's the difference? I've told him that he can use a different word and react differently. He doesn't want to. He says that my depression has ruined the whole relationship, but he doesn't realize that his reactions are discouraging. He tells me to snap out of my flashbacks and panic attacks. If I'm sitting quietly, he will ask "What are you obsessing about now? Get rid of it! Come on." I have told him that humans will get upset. The emotions come and go. Who cares? It seems like he has to control my depression and PTSD to make sure that nothing negative comes in my head.

I have confronted him on all of these behaviors and have repeatedly told him that these are my limits. He doesn't listen and wants his way. He thinks I'm imagining things and that I'm brainwashed by others. He tells me to take a long look in the mirror when I tell him that his behavior is bothering me. I'm willing to accept my flaws, but can he do the same? Why is it always about me? Why can't he take responsibility for some of his actions?

Trust me, it's exhausting to keep fighting for your own voice. How hard is it to not use the words "dumb and retarded?" How hard is it to just give me my own space? How hard is it to just let me do what makes me happy, even though he disagrees with it? It's not the end of the world if I'm on facebook posting in a sexual abuse survivor group. I've felt that other sexual abuse survivors are more like a family to me than my own blood. Why is that so hard to understand?

He tells me that I'm looking for imaginary red flags. That I'm making things up. That I'm misinterpreting things. That I'm being branwashed by others. I've told him that these are my genuine feelings and this is what I want. Again, he's not listening. He's convinced that my friends and my family are talking about him, when that's not the case.


I'm aware that he isn't as bad as my exes. He does have a lot of good qualities, but these behaviors are concerning me. I can't live with this. If a man can't respect my needs, what's the point? I've lived most of my life molding myself into what other people want. I just want to be myself for once.

Last night, he was being very sweet and said we could both work on making the relationship happy and healthy. He claims that he is giving me my own space and he does respect me. But, his past actions have proven something else. I'm staying at my friend's apartment for a week, and he tried to stop me from going. I told him, "you're being pushy again. I'm going because it's what's best for me."

I'm looking for my own place, but he is also trying to stop me. It has come to the point where I have to do it behind his back. How sad is that? I think being single again is a great opportunity to work on myself and to stop attracting controlling people.

Another weird thing is he is texting me to see if my friend is saying bad things about him. If he's so worried about others saying bad things about him, it makes me wonder if he knows what he's doing.

This man has issues. I'm glad I moved in to see it! If I would have married this man without moving in, I would have been screwed.

[Magnetism]

I asked everybody around me to honestly tell me if I'm doing something wrong. Is there something about me that is attracting controlling people? Did I miss something? Am I being too nice or passive? People say "No, you had no idea he was like this." I'm so discouraged that why does this keep happening. It's to the point where I don't think I even want a relationship.

[jns]

Dating and in today's age living together are times to determine if compatibility exists. It sounds like you have found the two of you are not really compatible. You have learned a lot about relationships. Take that knowledge and move on. Regain your independence by renting a place on your own or with roommates. Try not to be bitter. It was not meant to be. It sounds to me like your SO is projecting his thoughts onto you and that he may be paranoid. He also has a lot to learn about effective communications.

[rcoreyus]

Somehow abusive people are able to find victims. I don't know how. Most men are not abusive, will not try to limit your friends, try to control you etc. If it were just luck, the odds of finding another abusive partner would be very low - most men really are not like that.

I started a thread on this before, but it didn't go anywhere. I don't know how it is that abuser find their victims - but if we could figure this out it would help a lot. I'm absolutely not blaming the victims - but somehow abused women wind up back in abusive relationships. Any insight would be really valuable. Are the victims somehow visible to abusers? Are they somehow picking the wrong men - looking for something that is correlated with abuse?

Panerabread - you should not need to put of with this sort of thing. You should be able to join any groups you want, have any friends you want.

[Magnetism]

I've given him help on how to communicate better, but he won't take it. He thinks the "psychology books" are dumb and that he's always right.

He agreed to go to a couples counseling session to talk out, but he also didn't want me to see my therapist in the first place. A part of me wants to see if the relationship can be salvaged, as he wasn't like this before. There's another part of me that knows it will end. Time will take it's course.

[Magnetism]

rcoreyes-My partner said that there was something about me that let him know that "something bad happened to me." I asked him what it was, and he said "You can just tell." He seems to have these "I want to rescue you" qualities, but it's not turning out well.

I wonder if it's the universe testing us to see how we handle the situation. Perhaps this relationship was just another building block in getting to a better place. Sure, he was definitely a saint compared to my exes, but it doesn't mean this is as good as it gets. Maybe these men show up in our lives to help us learn that we don't have to settle for this.

It's annoying, as you see others your age getting married and dating for 6 years. At the same time, these people had very different lives than us.

[stressed]

When you live with someone you get to see all his sides, and especially the ugly ones that you don't see during outings, dates and sleepovers. You both showed sides the other either thought wouldn't be a big deal or ignored or didn't know about. It's actually common, since people become less and less tolerant of other people these days. Relationships are always hard work for both parties, nobody is perfect, nobody is ideal for anyone, there will always be sides we don't like in our partner.

If you feel trapped in the relationship, if you suffer more often than not, if you cannot spend many days without arguing with him, then it's probably not worth saving it. We all carry past ghosts with us and not everyone can accept or understand them, or the way we deal with them. One month is definitely not enough time to know if you can live with the other person or not, but going to couples counseling together is a good idea.

[stressed]

Actually, I can read your post in the sense that your boyfriend actually cares about you and that maybe you misunderstand some things he says or does because of your past relationships (it's all a matter of perspective):

- "He doesn't want me to be on facebook or post on these forums. He wants me to delete people off of facebook. He pressuring me to not be a part of online sexual abuse groups. Talking to other sexual abuse survivors is important to me. Why can't he respect me what I value?"

Maybe he feels that when you do that you revive negative memories which make you, or help you become depressed. It doesn't mean he's right, but maybe you project this behavior to him and he assumes this is to blame. We don't always show what we feel to others and we don't always realize that.

- "He says that my depression has ruined the whole relationship, but he doesn't realize that his reactions are discouraging. He tells me to snap out of my flashbacks and panic attacks. If I'm sitting quietly, he will ask "What are you obsessing about now? Get rid of it! Come on." I have told him that humans will get upset. The emotions come and go. Who cares? It seems like he has to control my depression and PTSD to make sure that nothing negative comes in my head."

Maybe he's afraid that your depression will damage this relationship, afraid that he can't help you, that he can't understand how you feel. His words sound immature and not helpful at all, but maybe he cannot do anything better than that. Maybe he's never dealt with anything similar in his life (depression, the past etc.) and doesn't know what to do.

- "it's exhausting to keep fighting for your own voice. How hard is it to not use the words "dumb and retarded?" How hard is it to just give me my own space? How hard is it to just let me do what makes me happy, even though he disagrees with it? It's not the end of the world if I'm on facebook posting in a sexual abuse survivor group. I've felt that other sexual abuse survivors are more like a family to me than my own blood. Why is that so hard to understand?"

Maybe he's not comfortable with the idea that you feel closer to online people than the people close to you. Do you spend time with him? Do you talk with him about serious matters? Do you spend too many hours a day online? Try to look at yourself from the outside.

I'm not taking his side, I'm only trying to see this as objectively as possible and maybe spot something you can do about. It doesn't look like this relationship will last, but perhaps thinking about certain details can help in your next relationship.

[Magnetism]

Stressed, he definitely does care and love me. I know that. One of the reasons why I'm contemplating staying is because my exes didn't love me or were serious about the relationship. I can confidently say that this man adores me. He's very sad right now that I'm at my friend's house. I also feel sad that I made him feel sad, even though I intellectually know that I'm not responsible for his feelings.

I can see why he thinks I'm not paying enough attention to him while on facebook, but I do feel I spend a lot of time with him. He wants to be with me 24/7 and wants to come on "girl's nights out." He says he misses me so much and doesn't want to be alone. My point is that my girlfriends want to spend time with me alone, and that I also need my alone time to destress.

Maybe it's the wishful thinking, but I hope it does last. What I would like to happen may not be realistic. I'm going to give it some time and see how the couples counseling session goes.

[Magnetism]

It won't let me edit my posts, but here's my list of good qualities in him. He isn't as bad as other controlling boyfriend examples I've read.

-He tells me I'm beautiful and that my looks have spoiled him. He tells me I look great at my weight. He notices me and tells me I look nice. I've heard that some controlling SO's criticize their partner's looks a lot.

-He doesn't see me as "damaged goods" or judge me by my past. He validates that it wasn't my fault and that what happened to me was worse than murder. He also thinks I'm using my toxic past to look at our relationship now through dark lenses.

-He's stood up for me to my parents several times. He witnessed them being undermining towards me, and he didn't tolerate it. He's also scared to leave me alone with my parents. It feels nice when someone wants to protect you, and when someone doesn't guilt you for being a bad girl that is mean to her parents.

-He states that women are equals, but maybe he doesn't realize what his actions are saying.

-There have been times where he did let me have it my way and said that I could choose what we were doing, where we ate, etc.

-He's very attractive, since I'm not easily attracted to a lot of people.

-He can be caring, nurturing and funny.

-We enjoy the same things-Concerts, dining, outings, traveling, same type of movies, etc



I know I'm not a perfect person either. The body image issues I've struggled with CAN make a relationship suffer, as many others I know with this issue have had the same experience. You become so obsessed with how you look that it takes over your life. I'm working my off on this problem, but there have been recent situations that triggered old destructive habits of mine. You're also right that he hasn't handled this before. Before he met me, he had no idea that a parent could have the balls to have sex with their own kid. It was very shocking to him to hear my story, but he was empathic when I told him.