[Mes T]

He's not "as bad" as your exes? Is that good enough for you? I think the man you're with should be AMAZING, to the point where your exes don't even come into the comparison. But he's not "as bad"? I think that says it all right there.

Every person has positive and negative qualities. EVERY person. So what we all have to do is decide whether or not the positives outweigh the negatives. In your first post it seemed like you were ready to pack your bags, and then further down the thread it seemed like you were willing to work on it. I think it's great that you're staying with a friends for a week. Maybe once you go back home you'll have a clearer picture of what you want to do, moving forward.

[jns]

He can still be controlling while loving you and wanting the best for you.

The incest of a parent having sex with their child is abhorrent to me. Has that parent been prosecuted and jailed? Sorry, you may have said it before, but if you did, I don't remember.

[Magnetism]

JNs-No, the parent isn't jailed and I'm asking to not receive a lecture from others on why he should be jailed. I'm not saying you're going to do that, but talking about incest opens a can of worms by other non-survivors.

Mes T-This is what I hate. I hate the mixed feelings of wanting to leave, and then wanting to stay. I feel calm that I'm out of his apt, but miss him at the same time. He's texting me acting all sad, and I feel bad. There have been times where I did think this boyfriend was amazing, until these behaviors started to show.

I admit I myself may seem very unstable. The friend that I'm staying with is actually the old roommate that made a weight comment, but I now realized she has her own weight issues when she was making comments about herself. I'm willing to get over it, but am thankful she's letting me stay for the time being. It was the most affordable option other than going to a hotel. Other friends have babies or are in the midst of moving out of their parents' home. Interpersonal skills aren't my strength, haha! I'm the type of person that felt the most safe when I was ALONE. Being alone was my way of surviving life.

[Mes T]

People can be VERY good at pulling at heart strings through texts when they know they've done something wrong. My advice is don't fall for it. You've got to stand your ground, otherwise what is the point of it all - you may as well have stayed home this week, ya know?

[stressed]

You should turn off your phone for a day or so, or not read his texts at all. Don't read them because you don't get the break you need. You both feel bad, but going in circles isn't going to help your relationship, you need to be alone for a while to decide what you want to do.

[Magnetism]

I will have to go back to the boyfriend for a few weeks until October. I saw a basement apartment today, and the landlord was creepy and inappropriate. Not a smart decision to take that apartment impulsively. The only decent apartment is the one that's not vacant until next month.

I've noticed that I feel very relaxed and rejuvenated for the past 3 days. I haven't had anxious thoughts or felt stressed. That alone tells you something. The environment you're in CAN trigger your depression to be worse.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What type of relationships did your boyfriend have did he ever confide in you over those?

He uses words "red flag" suggesting that "others" have warned other women from him in the past.

He doesn't like support groups, here or the other ones you are on, because you will ask questions and he feels people will persuade you to leave him...

He thinks that he can "with love" and "total control" make you happy, the fear in him is he is too scared for you to be you, he's lost before due to other people's influences...



The other thing to consider is did an ex cheat on him? However to me, the words "red flag" tell the story - as above and below.



Did he always focus on what he perceived to be a "weaker "woman, where there had been issues in her life, where all she wanted was love and so, therefore, he could love her, he needed to be loved totally himself, and she would listen to him.. She would never leave his side, he would be her World, she would not need friends and he would not fear that word "red flag" again, he's heard it too many times himself....protection/possession/fear...

This is no good for you, it brings back anxiety and it's no good for you because you do need support, however ,you must always make your own mind up, from the information that is given to you, not a collective thought and you agree with that..

Sit him down and discuss with him, your individuality and his, that if his past is in the way of this present by the "red flag" words,then it shouldn't be you are with him because you love him and you will hear no more of what you "can't do" that is not affecting his life or yours together, or you are gone...

[Magnetism]

He had an ex that cheated on him. He described his other ex as "weird, jealous, crazy, but with an awesome personality" I asked him, "Why were you with her then?" I was trying to gauge his responsibility in the relationship. He said he wanted to help her, but got tired of it eventually. He said he liked me so much because I never got jealous of him looking at pretty girls. I notice pretty girls too, so it doesn't bother me. It's human nature to look at something attractive.

When I asked him if his other exes described him as controlling, he said no with the type of eye contact that shows he's hiding something. I'm not stupid, even though he says I'm being too paranoid. Eye contact tells you when someone is lying. I'm willing to bet money that he has been called controlling in the past.

I'm ignoring his texts, but he keeps texting me saying he misses me and he's sad that I "ran away." I'm not falling for it. He gets mad at me for being sad and says "You're choosing to feel that way! Get rid of it." He can deal with his own feelings and "choose" to feel another way.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Strong fiesty little one aren't you.

Well, then if he did have an ex that cheated on him, and he did have ex's whereby people gave "advice"and suggested "red flag" signs then this is his problem, he has to get over it.. And, like I said, it appears that he goes for the vulnerable, a need to "help" but control. This is his own doing, in-securities and next time he says "you're choosing to feel that way, get rid of it," reply with, no I see very clearly, you've been cheated on, and controlling in relationships, get over it and realise no two women are the same, I'm independent and loyal your choice.

[Calicorado83]

I think you were smart to give him an 11-month trial period before you moved in with him. That's a long time, and I don't blame you one bit or think you didn't wait long enough. A year isn't long in the long run, but when you are in a relationship where you spend the vast majority of your time with someone, it can seem like you have given that person a good chance to show their true side. So, kudos to you.

You just never know when somebody is going to show their true side. Some men take four, five, six months. Others can take a year or two...hard to tell.

As long as he is not being physically abusive right now, I am glad you are safe. But he is being verbally abusive, and that is a red flag. It is an excellent time to re-evaluate your situation before it gets too out of hand. I am glad you are noticing the signs and signals. I am glad you are able to go spend some time away from him to think about things. But remember, while you are gone, he is going to be thinking about things too. If he becomes sweeter, and says things like, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again, I've changed..." then it could be easy to fall into his trap. That is how most men with this type of behaviors are...they straighten up just for the time it takes to get you back, and then they start the abusive pattern all over again. In some instances, it can get worse. Meaning, it could possibly go from being verbal abuse to physical AND verbal abuse. At that point, it will be hard for you to get away, because could threaten you and make you feel like you have no way out.

Write a list of pros and cons. The negative things he does versus the positive things he does. This will help you to see things more clearly.

Just because you have been abused in the past does not mean you don't know how to handle your own emotions. You obviously seem to have a very good head on your shoulders. You seem to acknowledge his behaviors as well as yours. That is good. Of course he is going to make you out to be the crazy one, because you have let him in on some sensitive topics of your past. You have allowed yourself to become vulnerable to him because you trusted him. He gained that trust by validating your feelings, by being supportive, by making you feel secure and emotionally safe with him. Now, he's trying to use that to HIS advantage. He After opening up to him, he has this idea that you are weak, and now he thinks he can control you. But he can't.

You are aware. You are in touch with your past, your emotions, and your dealings with them. That is a strength!