[Calicorado83]

I've given him help on how to communicate better, but he won't take it. He thinks the "psychology books" are dumb and that he's always right.

I tried to get my bf to read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. But he said exactly the same thing. To me, if you are unwilling to learn something new, you are ignorant. DON'T tell your man this!! I did and it didn't turn out well. =)

[Magnetism]

I appreciate you saying I have a good head on my shoulders. The men I've dated have caused me to feel otherwise


I used to believe to never move in with someone unless you're married. This move in with him was supposed to be temporary until I got my own place. As I moved in, it seemed like he didn't want me to go anywhere when he initially agreed that it was okay to find my own place. We did talk about the future before we moved in together. I'm glad I moved into see what it was like. My friend was saying courtship and living together are different things.

I sometimes go into self-doubt and think "Maybe he doesn't mean anything by those comments. He isn't directly telling me I'm stupid. He doesn't tell me I'm fat or ugly. He has called me smart and pretty many times." I admit I do miss him, but the doubt of how well this will turn out is still there.


I lined up my new apartment, but I will have to stay somewhere for the remaining 2 weeks. Some important mail got shipped to my boyfriend's place (which I put as my new address. I just want to be civil and realistic right now with him, but I will still keep my guard up. If any anger or put downs erupt again, I'm going to leave. My other friend offered that I could stay at her place.

[Magnetism]

We're back to square one. My friend's landloard kicked me out, because he got mad at me taking a long shower. So, I'm back at my boyfriend's apartment.

This morning, he got mad at me and said "It looks like your mind is made up. I wish you would stop BSing me." He tried to finger me this morning, but I yelled stop it. I was asleep and got startled. I had nightmares of sexual abuse last night, so the last thing I wanted was to be touched. He took that personally and said "you're acting so different. I'm just going to sleep on the couch." I had asked him what he needs from me and what am I doing to make him feel that way. I feel like I'm acting civil. I'm not yelling or screaming. Yet, he's accusing me of acting "strange."

He is now refusing to go to couples counseling. He says it's not going to work. He then brought up stuff that I had said ages ago, BUT it's not okay for me to hold on to thngs that he says.
It seems like the man has serious self-esteem issues and paranoia issues. Why on earth would he accuse me of all of this stuff? If things are going to go like this, it won't work.

[jns]

I think it won't work.

[Magnetism]

^It didn't. It's officially over with. I decided to stay in a hotel until my new place opens up. It's not emotionally safe there at this point.

[jns]

Good call. Staying with him was dangerous because he may not back off of the relatively easy access to your body that he had before.

[Magnetism]

This post went into another thread by accident, but it was supposed to go here.

I was reading some articles on why people keep attracting these relationships. The articles say that women are too nice and don't assert their own control. Yes, I used to be that way. I was too nice to prove people that I'm not a mean person. When a woman stands up for herself, some people accuse her of being a b*tch. But, I think I've changed a lot from those days. I've set boundaries numerous times in this relationship and explained what my needs are. There are some people that just won't listen and will do anything it takes to get their way.

One of the main reasons why I think I'm getting into these relationships is probably unresolved parental conflict. This boyfriend wanted me to be as angry as possible at my parents, but that doesn't work. He even wanted me to punish my parents by telling all of their friends about what they have done(yeah right, that's not my nature) I think I need to get to the point of forgiveness and letting go. If I hold onto resentment, I'm not going to break the cycle of getting involved with these type of men. My goal is to work out conflict with parents and let go of the past before I get involved in any relationships. I'm just not ready to get involved in the dating scene right now.

[Magnetism]

Most men are not abusive, will not try to limit your friends, try to control you etc. If it were just luck, the odds of finding another abusive partner would be very low - most men really are not like that.

In certain cultures, I think it's fair to say that a lot of men display abusive behaviors. This is why I liked my boyfriend in the first place. He seemed so much better than the men in my ethnicity. The men in my ethnicity are notoriously known for treating women poorly.

[jns]

In certain cultures, I think it's fair to say that a lot of men display abusive behaviors. This is why I liked my boyfriend in the first place. He seemed so much better than the men in my ethnicity. The men in my ethnicity are notoriously known for treating women poorly.

This is very true. Many people don't know this because they have not absorbed anything from the cultures they are commenting on so they just use the culture they are from as a substitute. If people really wanted to know, they would have friends from a wide variety of backgrounds and from a wide variety of places. On top of this, they would read history widely and follow news in other countries. Most don't.

[Magnetism]

My boyfriend (now ex) also comes from an Eastern European country that is known for being chauvinistic and controlling, but not quite as extreme as my culture. When dating him, he clearly said he thought of women as equals and would prefer an independent woman. It's ironic that his culture also prides on chivalry.

I do miss him and am now debating whether I should work it out. But, I know this a normal part of the grieving process. You date someone for a year, and it's not going to be that easy to let go. Thinking about dating all over again is scary.

I'm communicating with him still, because I have to work out when to go back to his place and get the remainder of my stuff/my cat. He had texted me and said "I would rather not know about your dating life or you getting married, because it's painful to see someone you loved doing that."

It hit me that "Wow, this was the first man that I loved and who mutually loved me back." . He's now communicating well, being calm, and finally did apologize for his behaviors over the past month. Intellectually, I know this is a typical behavior that such men do. He may be genuinely remorseful after losing me, but there's no guarantee that he will stay like this. I'm thinking "Why is he acting like this now? I wish he was like this when we were dating."