[Hopeless Dork]

He told you he'd cut contact with her. Isn't that what he said the time before? And the time before that? And the time before that, etc? Seems like he's only willing to cut off enough contact to shut you up... then resume til he is caught again, lather rinse repeat. Obviously you are in deep to this guy or his inibility to let this girl go would have caused you to bounce a long time ago. You don't want to leave, and you don't have to... but I would advise you stop living in his bubble where he is the only man that matters to you... if you are not the only woman that matters to him. Make your own friends, start developing a stong life outside of the love you feel for him, that way when he does wrong you will be in a stronger place he emotionally, to break up - should the situation call for it.

You are looking because you know somethings off. You find things and try to rationilize them away, or allow him to comfort them away... but those feelings that somethings off, they don't go away so you are in a vicious cycle. You either have to come to grips with he is not yours completely and be okay with that... or try make it so that he isn't your everything. He really may have changed this time, maybe this time he means it that he's done with this girl... only time will tell.

The bottom line is he is holding on to something from her. He will argue, if he wanted to be with her instead of you... he'd do that. But is that really true? Is there circumstances that would block them being together outside of you? Like she isn't interested in what he is? Or has someone else? Distance? Etc... Many times men and women will be with what they can have while pining for what they can't... and no one deserves to be 'settled for' while their partner pines away. You deserve to be cherished and loved, respected and wanted.

[kygirl]

Cin,

I have to agree with JNS. I mean, I don't know of any good reason for a guy to record that unless he was sending to someone. It's not like he's going to want to watch himself over and over... I think you just need to move on. I know it stinks and you live together, but there is just a growing list of "red flags" here and I think based on what you have told us, if you looked closer, you'd find even more of them over the last year.

Point is...You deserve better! Is this the kind of person you want to go into a long term relationship/marriage with? You can't trust him, and it doesn't seem like he's given you any good reason to trust him.

[tana007x]

I agree with all and especially KMonte85 and Hopeless Dork. This is a pattern just repeating over and over again. Best to end it, and find someone worthy, he isn't going to change.

[Aeryn Sun]

My husband and I have a rule: If we don't or wouldn't do it in front of each other, it's a safe bet not to do it. We also have a rule, no one of the opposite sex over if the other spouse isn't there, unless they are on the safe list (family and a small select few friends).

[cinbuns]

Well, I came back here to re-read your posts because they give me strength. I wanted to say thank you for everyone who answered!

I still cannot get over this. A few weeks later than this, I found him calling her again. You all were right.

Now I'm stuck, though. How do you get over someone that was once so important to you? My self-esteem is so extremely crushed that I feel like I am worthless. I know that I am "pretty", as I have been in many pageants/etc and people tell me that all the time. However, if you don't feel pretty, it's hard to move on. How do you get over feeling like this and go on with your life? I feel as if I don't care about anything anymore.

[Hopeless Dork]

Think about this, he is NOT making you feel good about yourself, therefore, you are not happy. Thats a big red flag that this isn't the man for you. When you are in a good relationship that man is going to make you feel special, wanted, loved and you are going to be HAPPY.. at least more often than you are sad, and you are definitely not supposed to feel miserable and empty.

Do not let his being a jerk to you define how you feel about yourself. You know that you are worth more than that. There are enough men out there that would jump on the opportunity to make you their number 1 for you to huddle in a corner over this guy that isnt willing to make you feel that way. When we are in love, we are blinded and can't see through to the other side of just how happy we could be by ourselves, free to meet someone else that could enrich our lives.

If you spend more time feeling low then you do feeling good with this guy, its time, past time, to revaluate why you are with him. And if all the reasons on your list of staying with him are based on how he USE to be or how you HOPE he'll become... its time to scratch those off the list and focus on what he REALLY is, and how he REALLY treats you and decide that you can do better. Way better.

[cinbuns]

Thank you. I think I know that I deserve better, that's why it hurts so much. I just wish I knew how to get over it and move on.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think women are hard-wired to stick it out, cin. Much more so than men. But breaking the cycle of dependence on someone is possible, women do it all the time. When I say hard-wired to stay I mean there are women that are cheated on repeatedly, degraded, humiliated, be-littled and even beaten in some cases and so many stay. Where as for some men all it takes is a secretary in a mini skirt for them to leave their wife and kids, where there was no problems in the relationship itself. I know I am generalizing... but It seems in my experience with friends... men are quicker to hit the door than women, over small things in many cases... where as many women will stay on, long after the wheels fall off. Why? I can't explain it in my own mind other than there is something in many women that makes them feel like they NEED the person they fell in love with.

I think, mostly, its when a person has invested a lot of themselves (man or woman), and whether that investment is time, emotions, money, whatever... they have a hard time walking away. Where as there uninvested partner can take or leave the relationship, will take risks that can result in its end because deep down they really don't fear losing it - either because they know the other person won't go, or because they know they wont suffer a major hit if they do leave.

And that makes it hard. Trust me I know. Ive held on longer than I knew was reasonable in the past. Hoping things would be the way I wanted until I realized my relationship was delusional, in my own mind... what I wanted to hold on to didn't exsist, what was real... when I looked at it honestly, was not what I deserved.

Its just time to put up the scales , do not weigh in the past, do not weigh in the hopes of tomorrow, instead just weigh how you feel on a day to day basis being with him... and if you are miserable more often than happy... its time to go.

You don't have to rip the band aid off though, although thats probably the best way. If you find it to hard to walk away, perhaps distancing yourself emotionally a little more each day you can build the strength to walk away. Start making friends, hanging out with family, focusing on goals and hobbies and health... and just start reinventing a stronger, more happy you... the happier you become the easier it will be to realize and be strong in the notion you can do better elsewhere.

[BabyGirl]

He promised to "delete the girl" and once again cut all contact because he "realized how important I am to him". Yeah, it took him three years of fighting to realize that? Also, he said he would delete her yesterday. I looked today and they're still Facebook friends.

Sweets, Pay attention to Your Words here !!!!

Yeah, it took him three years of fighting to realize that?

1) How Many Years of Fights ?

2)How many Years are you willing to Fight With him?

3)How many years are you willing Allow Yourself to Waste Your Time on someone Not Worthy of Your Love ?


Here is a Scenario to help you " Get over it and Move Forward "

You see a Dog, Cat, Bunny, Turtle, Bird, Monkey, Dolphin, Your Choice.

It is malnourished, under fed, left alone, kicked out of the way, fed only when it is " deemed" by the Owner, to be fed Attention and Love.

That animals still goes back or stays, just craving the attention, the pat on the head.
The .. even a Glimpse of the Owner, saying , "Good, Sit, Stay " or I'll be Back soon. Trust me , I'll be back, I'll take care of you . That animal will of course TRUST and PROTECT and SERVE, the one who they think Loves them , or Provides for Them.

And then they feel Neglected, Unloved, when they are not given the " Love and Care" that was Promised. that they Used to get. Cats Bite, Dogs Bite, Snakes Bite, Birds Bite. The reason they Bite, is because they Hurt or you are hurting them, or they have been Hurt.

With Animals and Yes Humans are Animals..

Eventually you/ they either turn on their "Owners" or they Run Away or they just Die from Neglect or Broken Hearts .
The one's who Stand up or turn against to " Protect themselves " are usually Neglected or Left to find another that will be willing to Be With them and For them.

Others will just Mysteriously, Disappear, Move on and Be... Until..

hmm , wonder what happened to the First " Family " I Loved , or " I sure Miss that way I was treated before they moved ".

Meaning that You are one of those Animals. Albeit the Human Animal is the " Highest Form " We are still able to Abuse, Neglect, Harm and even just "Cage " Others .
But we are also the ones who can Save, Cherish, Love, be Dedicated, Spend " Love/Forever With ", Honor our Words with Actions.

It is Time for You to Decide..
Are you a Rescue Animal, Can You Rescue yourself, Can you Rescue Others ?
And Just Who is being Cheated here ?

I think you know the Answer to that..

I'm not big on the " PETA" thing, but I know when they, make a bit of Sense.

Then again, Carrot Top & Road Kill have feeling too . Lol , That was said with Humor. You will get the Drift .

[cinbuns]

Wow, thank you! That's a very interesting and original way of putting it. As long as I don't allow myself to fall back into his trap, I think I can get over this. Or, at least, I hope I do so I won't be miserable anymore.