[kygirl]

Panera:

I'd just give it some time. I think as far as dating someone you're not attracted to, I've got mixed feelings. I think you can maybe not be crazy about someone the first time you meet them, but have some level of attraction that grows as you get to know their personality. A person's insides can often elevate whether you find them more or less attractive. Sometimes that changes over time, but you definitely can't force it.

Don't ever let yourself feel rushed or willing to settle. Trust me! I got in that cycle for a few years and it was not pretty. I tried to make people fit who I wanted them to be and looking back now, if I'd really made it work with any of those people, I'd have never met my boyfriend now who *was* what I was looking for.

And like KM said...don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough, pretty enough, etc. Maybe just go out, date, join a group, join an online site, take up a hobby, whatever. Venture out and quit focusing so much on these people you feel like you "should" be with because they are crazy about you. Relationships should be a two way street and you'd not be doing them a favor by being with them if you don't *want* them the way they want you.

Good luck!

[forgetmenot]

Hi Panera,

Just wanted to drop you a line to say; Don't settle! Relationships are hard work - so why go through all that bother for somebody when you are not sure they are worth it anyway?
The right person will come along - somebody that you are attracted to and that shares your most important values. And wouldn't it be awful if you were already settled with somebody you only find 'alright' when that happens?

Settling is not fair on you, and not fair on the other person. You deserve happiness. We all do.

Wishing you the best of luck in your quest for love!

[jns]

You should not date someone you are not attracted to if you want the date to go further. However, if the dating is more about being socially out in the world and not trying to start a relationship every time, dating someone who is out of your usual requirements can be fun or not, just like any date. It can have less pressure because you are not trying to find out anything in particular. Maybe such dating would lead you to open up your requirements a bit in one way or another.

[Magnetism]

Likewise, people of different generations (older and younger) can and do have similar interests, viewpoints, and opinions about children as you. Determining someone's life philosophies and viewpoints can't be made until you've really gotten to know that person. Assuming someone won't like the same things you do based on their age is ageism. Be careful of that! You could miss out on a lot of relationships (friendships and more) if your only reason for not getting to know someone is you believe because of their age, they won't share the same interests or goals in life.

I have plenty of friends that are older than me with the same interests, such as my male friend who wants to marry me. Friendships are different than dating though. When it comes to falling in love and getting intimate with someone, I need someone around my age (27-32). I go to concerts with my 41 year old male friend and we can talk for hours, but can't fathom adding sexual intimacy in the equation.

Not quite sure what you mean by this? Work ethic values?

That was bad wording on my part, but the point was I think I would do better with someone that's equal to me in terms of education and career. I had an experience where I dated a man with less ambition that had no interest in his education/career. Our differences in goals became a problem. He also couldn't relate to me or understand when I would talk about my studies or my job.

I'm sure many would say "Who cares about education when you're in love?", but I can't do it. I've tried it, and it wasn't for me.

[KMonte85]

that makes total sense, Panera. I had forgotten about your older friends... so you already know that people of different ages can share the same interests and life goals. It's just that the sexual attraction is not there. Understandable to me, I'm very much the same as I had mentioned before. I have friends who are 8 or so years younger than me, I have friends in my own age group (I'm 26), and friends who are in their 40's, 50's and 60's. We go out, we go to dinner, we go camping as a group. But I also have no attraction to any of them. You can share a bond with anyone if you open your heart.

If you want someone who is at your level educationally, that's fine. But food for thought, as with the age example you've given, I've had the opposite experience as you with people's education and careers. Someone's career and education level doesn't always correlate with their ambition level. There are just people in this world who have chosen a different path to a similar goal. But there are lazy, unambitious people at all levels of career and education. I went to a private university, and I work every day in corporate america, and let me tell you.. sure there are many intelligent and great people here. However, some of the higher educated people I work with are the most pompous and laziest people I have ever met. I also live in a blue collar community and most people I meet are farmers and factory workers, and some of these people are the brightest and most hard working people I have ever had the priviledge of getting to know. There are entreprenuers in my neck of the woods, the wealthiest people in the area, who didn't even graduate from high school. They had a dream, and with some smarts, sweat and a whole lot of determination, they made it happen. Lumping people in a group based on one bad experience can work against you.

What it all boils down to, I think, is just finding someone who gives you that "spark" of attraction and then getting to know them better personally. You can't tell by looking at someone you find attractive if they will share your interests and goals. You can't tell by someone's age or career if they don't share your interests and goals. There has to be some balance.

I do like JNS's suggestion - if you're not looking to jump back into anything, maybe going on a date with some men you share common interests with, but aren't necessarily attracted to, could be fun! If anything, going out on a few dates here and there will make you a master dater (ba-dum-bum ) for when you're at a place where you want to start finding something serious.

[Magnetism]

KMonte-You're right that education level isn't an indication of intelligence or how well someone can do for themselves. My older male friend is a blue collar worker and is quite smart. I've known engineers and doctors that were emotionally immature, lacked common sense, and were lazy. Of course there are highschool graduates that have their own prosperous businesses. I hope I didn't come off as degrading those that don't have a college or graduate level education, or work in an esteemed field.

Since the education level/career is my preference, I want to honor that in this moment. We can't predict the future, as I may end up with someone that I didn't expect. I've definitely considered dating someone with less education and have done it, but I think these dating experiences help us figure out what we really want. Once we know what we want, we won't be so blind when Mr/Mrs.Right does show up.

I appreciate the responses, as my gut feeling says not to settle. My judgment can be clouded when you have parents and family members saying that you are too picky and that you won't find anyone.

[Magnetism]

Can anyone give further advice on what to do about liking people that don't like you back? Does that mean I have a self-esteem issue to work on or what? I joined a dating site, but the guys I'm attracted to don't respond back, whereas the guys I'm not into are the ones pursuing me. I'm triggered by my previous ex's words, because I wonder again that what if his words are true? He would have a field day to find out that the guys I like aren't interested in me and would say "See, I told you. You're nothing special."

[Magnetism]

^I was wrong, as someone I found attractive did respond back. Nevermind!

You know what..I need to be single and just be happy with that. Sure, I can go out on dates, but not fret over finding the right person or not. The man I broke up with is still e-mailing me and I'm starting to wonder if I should go back (my gut says no). The feelings of "What do I do now?" are coming up, but I know worrying won't do anything.

[Magnetism]

I only brought up this topic, because I realized something. When I was 21, I did date a man that I wasn't attracted to. I was trying to be open-minded by dating him. I tried to force the attraction hoping that it would grow. My parents came from a country where they say "love grows over time", so I was going by that philosophy. The attraction and love never did grow. After I broke up with man after a year of dating, he started to show sociopathic behaviors. I wonder if the lack of attraction towards him was just an intuitive sign that he wasn't the right man for me.

JNS-In 2009-2010,I also did go out on a lot of dates with people that I wasn't attracted to. Again, nothing came out of it in terms of attraction "growing."

I also wonder if sexual/physical attraction isn't that important in my parents' generation. They come from a time where both the man and the woman are expected to just work things out with the cards that you're dealt with. Sure, sexual attraction can change over time. It's not unheard of for partners to lose interest in each other during a marriage, but I know I would at least like to be insanely attracted to my partner when I decide to marry them. If some people can't understand that, then I guess that's too bad. I don't want to be in a relationship or a marriage where I have no interest in getting intimate with them.

I've tried dating people that I'm not attracted to, and it just doesn't work for me. Will it work for someone else? Maybe.

[jns]

I think that love growing over time in arranged marriages may be linked in part to the psychological phenomena known as the Stockholm Syndrome. There was no change of either party to get out of the contract since they were from long standing arrangements and would cause disgrace if such agreements were broken. Then it was a case of making lemonade when life gave them lemons. That included having children due to pressure from relatives and society. On top of that was an unequal status between the spouses.

This is not the case in modern, "for love" marriages. Both spouses have much more freedom about entering a marriage and have freedom to end a bad marriage.

In most cases, if the person you are dating is not someone you are attracted to, you will not have attraction to them grow while dating them. It is possible this could happen in a small number of cases where you misjudged them before you started dating. A little more likely is that you would become attracted to someone you dated at a later time. Maybe due to a person not wanting to go against their initial impression (being obstinate), but later their subconscious changing their mind. Also, if the lack of attraction is due to physical characteristics, if they change then the attraction may be there.

Good luck on finding someone you are insanely attracted to, who also is highly attracted to you and is at the right place and time to create a lasting relationship.