[momopi]

I'm slowly recovering myself and getting more independent. Difficult but going well at the moment.

[Kallygirlie]

I ahve been here and I found one thing to really stand true. You can't truely be happy until you are happy with yourself. Most clingy girls have a self esteem issue. Maybe not major but in some way shape or form. You need to find confidence in order to feel ok alone. I could never be with our my man before. Even with my current I got so irritated when we had to be apart. Now we live together. He works nights, I work days. We dont get much time together and I'm ok with it cause I know when we do get the time it will be great. In a way, having time apart, makes you value what you have.

[Hopeless Dork]

I have a bit of this problem myself. It's likely a personality flaw, its not always women that have it, many men do to. Falling in love and making that person the focus of your life can be good for them, attention is awesome... it can also be bad for them, being the center of someones universe is a whole lot of pressure and many relationships collapse from it.

Everytime I think about my guy I want to tell him so, I want to reach over and grab him if he's near... or text or call if he's not.. but learning restraint is key. It's okay to be honest about how much you need someone, how much you love them, but its also okay to censor that a bit sometimes. I only give in about half the time I want to do what I mentioned and the other half I slap my hand and say to myself ... "he knows. I don't have to constantly remind him."

When we make someone the center of our world (which is not the right thing to do) we expect them (wrongly so) to do the same and when they don't ( a good thing, if they did it would just be a co-dependent situation) we feel slighted. They don't love me like i love them!! Oh they do. They just carry it differently.

Do make those friends, Do make those hobbies, Do give him time to be a guy. Do let him go off and shoot pool or golf with the boys sometimes without hasseling about it. He needs it, and whether you realize it or not... you do too.

[LanaBear]

Do make those friends, Do make those hobbies, Do give him time to be a guy. Do let him go off and shoot pool or golf with the boys sometimes without hasseling about it. He needs it, and whether you realize it or not... you do too.

HD is right on with this. You have to be able to find your own independence.

I've been independent from the get go. He on the other hand wasn't, in my opinion anyways, he would argue this. He wanted to spend every waking minute together, do everything together, it was just too overwhelming for me. We had a few arguments early on about this, how I just needed ME time.

Now we both know when to do our own thing, etc. Granted we've been married for 11 years but like HD said, whether you realize it or not, you need your own time too.

I'll be all by my lonesome for a week in the fall. He's going hunting with some friends and family. I don't want to go, I'll do a lot of things, but I have no desire to camp for a week in the cold. I'd rather stay home and lay by the pool for a week.

[GlitterAndStuds]

I'm pretty sure I've already posted something along these lines in this thread, but I really think (in my case at least) that any feeling of clinginess comes from boredom when he's not around. I'm between cars so when he's not home, I'm there to be bored and thinking that at least when he's there I have some entertainment. But I wouldn't call myself a clinger (I hate them, I dated a clinger in high school and I STILL feel suffocated from it), since I know full well that if he WAS home all the time, I would kill him. He goes to his band practices, I take advantage of my alone time by cleaning, doing laundry, fixing my hair. And I have friends over all the time. So does he. It's all about finding other stuff and dividing your time. I know that once I get a car again, I'll be out more often and gain my independence back, haha. The one thing I can't do without him is sleep.

Lana I'll be in the same boat as you actually, but it's just going to be for a weekend. He and his boys are going camping at the end of October so I'll be by myself. He said I could go but I was like "Noooo" haha. I'm not sleeping outside when it's freezing.

[momopi]

It's only natural to "search" for what you want out of life.. We are all different people, we don't chose our parents ( or do we? ) but our core values and natures are individual.. we may learn things from our parents that we either accept and agree with, or totally disagree but who we are is who we are.

If we are loving, giving people, (children) then ideally it's natural that we want that back isn't it?

But, if we don't receive it we keep searching for it to fulfill a need, does that make sense?

How do you change this?

You realise all of the above and that there is nothing wrong with being a loving, giving person. You can be independent as well... Again, it's whom you are, your make-up.

Once, you realise exactly who you are and therefore, realise that it doesn't matter what happened in your life, what matters is what happens now in your life, and that you love all of that about you, you won't search for it, rather give it out there and receive back.

CW

Thank you! Yes, you are right. After my nights spent of self-drama, yes, I've realized that there's nothing really wrong with what I did. He's right. He's the one with issues. I shouldn't feel inadequate because of it.

I haven't completely detached myself from him. But I'm working on it.

I'm asking my friends to set me up to avoid thinking about him. I find myself visualizing him having sex with his new girl whenever I find myself alone and lonely.

My moving on project is now 50% complete. Hope, I'll reach 100% soon.

[Spunky]

So, I realize I am a lil late to this forums, but Ive been reading up on my condition and came across this post and was like wow, here we have a huge group of girls all with similar problems and wishes.

One of you stated it's hard to find friends cuz you feel like everyone already has their own set of friends, and I can totally relate to that. I completely feel like that too, who would want to be my friend when everyone already has one?

Mainly though I wanted to share my story.

A few weeks ago I diagnosed myself with Dependent Personality Disorder. I too am a very needy/clingy person. But not with a significant other..least not right now as I do not have one. But I become like this with friends. I guess I was like this with my significant other before because when I had told my best friend at the time that I think I may like girls..she was like maybe me too. Well, turns out she had her own issues but while we were dating I ditched all my friends for her. Talked to no one else but her, even tossed my friend from 4th grade away. Had left my boyfriend for her (while with him I realized as perfect as he seemed to be something was just not right).

I know I was needy before we dated though because I loved to hang out with her cuz we did so almost every single day. And I loved it. Finally, someone I can hang out with all the time. Thats what any needy person wants. This is a different level of neediness than most of you girls seem to portray. I got depressed when one day we couldnt hang out for one reason or another. We would do everything together when possible. Looking back I think she was as needy as I was.

Long story short, she found a dude and I've finally gotten over losing her as a friend even...she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I am now friends with my friend from 4th grade again and my ex boyfriend. So, I am very appreciative of that. Issue is though, I met another girl. I've always had issues talking to people, making new friends, it's almost impossible for me. But I really liked her so I finally went for it after a couple weeks of hesitation.

Now I find myself constantly trying to hang with her and texting her and I know I am smothering her a bit. I became aware of my issue slightly after meeting her which was when I realized how needy I was with my ex-best friend. So i've been trying to back-off a bit, but it truly is hard.

Main issue for me is, how do I know the line between being a very good friend and being clingy? I really like her, and I actually managed to tell her that through a small panic of her liking someone else who she's apparently dating. And I am fine with that, being her friend is still worth it. But I dont know if since I like her so much that thats whats causing me to have this clingy behavior or what.

Through research on this matter the main thing that helped me see whats wrong with me was this site: (edited)

I AM a toxic friend, I was able to highlight almost everything on there. I've already noticed myself doing all that with this new friend of mine.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story with you all.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Visualisation is a good thing actually momopi, practise this more.. It will help you through a lot of things in life, also affirmations, written on say a Post It Sticker and pasted to a mirror in your bathroom somewhere, where you will see it on-going. Our Brain is an amazing thing, we just don't use enough of what it's capable of achieving for us.

But at some point, change that visualisation over to only "nice/good/happy" scenes so not to get bitter, angry.

Everything takes time.

Spunky, sorry outbound links are not allowed on this Forum...

You have to ascertain "why" you need that one on one, constant love, what caused you to feel this way in order to start to set yourself free.

You "can't" throw away your friends when you find someone who is prepared to spend a fair amount of time with you, be it a girlfriend, or boyfriend or just friend though... You need all your friends, they are hard to come by.

CW

[kiadavis]

So, yeah I felt like I had self-esteem problems BUT when I'm alone, I'm content. I can do any and everything alone (except go to a dance club cz thats just weird). but when I'm involved, I am too needy. When I'm not involved and I am doing things on my own, I am fine and happy and enjoying the moment because I know in the back of my head one day I will not be alone and so I dont take those moments for granted. I go to movies, dinner, shopping, whatever I want to alone. I have friends but they are all married with kids (I am almost 30). But when I'm involved, I dont have to have my guy with me, but I DO have to have constant interaction, i.e. email, text, phone call, IM whatever it is. I dont really know what it is but I feel like I AM a really great girl but I run all guys off with my need for constant attention.

[Coffeegirl]

CW, your words of wisdom are very true, honest and what is needed to be heard. I definitely needed to read what you wrote in your posts on this forum today. It made a huge impact on me today. The signature I have is something I'm trying really hard to live by and change, which is going to be a challenge in my life. This is why.

Through my entire life, all 39 almost 40 years of it, I've been very shy, needy, clingy, and very dependent on either my twin sister or my husband. I've had very few friends in my life due to this issue. I've been in therapy for many years and until recently have finally found a therapist who has been able to reach some ground level into my thick head. I've been dx'd with BP, ADHD, ED and Agoraphobia. Things that I'm not proud to share with anyone. There are very few outside our family that are aware of my mental illness' due to the severe stigma that goes along with it. I've been hurt badly even by the medical profession due to the mental stigma if that gives a person any idea of how in depth mental illness stigma really is. So my self esteem is very low, for that and other reasons.

I'm going to start signing up and going to local scrapbooking classes. That is how I intend to meet other women my age. It would be great if I could meet others and maybe make some friends. I'm very lonely and I'm tired of being afraid of others.

With that, I'm determined to overcome the limitations I have placed infront of myself throughout my life. I turn 40 in a few months and I don't want my 40's to be like my 30's were. I want them to be filled with life, fun and happiness!

Coffeegirl