[Ashlee T.]

Here's a look from the other side....I'm the total opposite of clingy. I struggle with having someone around "too much", or feeling that someone is too much into my space or my business. For those of us "non clingy" individuals, you clingy people sure do put a lot of pressure on us.

We need our time, we need our space, we need our friends, we need to know that our life doesn't start and stop with you.

We need to know that you won't literally fall to pieces if we're not around, or if things don't work out.

We need to know that we are not the only source of human companionship in your life.

We need to know you're genuine....and being overly clingy, lonely, needy seems more like a personality flaw, a weakness. Seems very opposite of genuine.

We want to feel wanted, but we are attracted to independence. Having friends, having hobbies, having interests other than ours.....VERY attractive. Literally living and breathing every word we say, everything we do, piggybacking off our friends (instead of making your own), being sad every time we're apart............NOT attractive.

We do not want to hold your lifes happiness in our hands.

Though a common problem among couples.......it's simply too much pressure to put on someone you love. Trust me, I can tell you first hand.

My suggestion, join a local gym and start attending aerobics. You will meet many other women and at the same time you'll become healthier and will boost your self esteem. Once you go a bit, you'll see familiar faces, strike up conversations, get phone numbers, plan dinner nights.....even on nights when you'd normally do something with your BF or husband.

Also, don't just plan things during the times he won't be around. Learn to get in your car and say "Gonna go run around for a while, be back later"..... go do some window shopping......go to a cafe and enjoy a cup of tea and a book....go somewhere and eat that your fella doesn't enjoy (it won't kill you to eat alone!).

Learn to enjoy yourself. Don't make him your life.......trust me, he doesn't want to be.

Hope this helps.

[Leisel]

Boys

I realize these threads were written a while ago and are really old, but it was really nice to know that I am not the only one out there!
I have been through multiple relationships now, mostly with immature boys who weren't ready to commit, that all ended in me being hurt. Over time I have noticed a common pattern in my relationships that may have added to the unsuccessful endings of many of them....and that was me being too needy.

I think one of the major factors that contributes to my neediness in relationships with guys, is that I am lacking good friend(s).
I have friends, many of them have traveled and now live far away, and many of them aren't interested in the same things as I am.
I've never been able to connect to a female friend the same way I have with a man that I was dating. People, in general, seem to be so selfish.
Many of my female friends are too selfish to ever really confide in. They are not there when I need them.
None of my boyfriends have been able to really be there all the time either, go figure people have their own lives lol, but for some reason I feel like If I could just make my boyfriend my best friend, I would never have to worry about being lonely again.

Unfortunately it doesn't work though, because this only scares them away and I always end up being alone in the end.
Everytime I am in a relationship, I end up putting the guy first, blowing off all my friends, my family, a lot of my interests etc. They become my life. I know - sad.
Why am I so desperate for that constant need of attention and reassurance? I am not like this when I am single! Although, I do not enjoy being single, I prefer to be in a relationship of course.
If only I knew how to be more self sufficient and not so needy.

[Anon_1990]

I wish girls were more commited! I'd love to be in a happy, commited relationship. I'm so clingy!

[Maximus]

Button game and power...

Gabrielle, being clingy/needy usually results from a sense of insecurity of not being good enough, combined with a sense of powerlessness.

Addressing the needy or the clingy in you might leave other areas, maybe more profound aspect of you untouched while they might be the root cause.
One of the ways is to start a game, called the "button game".

The purpose is to make your emotional map by identifying or answering questions around:
* Powerless
* Angry
* Not good enough
* Responsible
* Afraid

etc...

You build the map by answering to:
1. What makes you feel (for example: powerless)
2. How do you react when...
3. What is the positive reaction you should have

it's a lengthy and crucial process to get hold of one's self.
I worked 2 years to complete "my" study, hopefully you will need less

Hobbies and friends are good, but you need to know yourself, including your baggages (conscious or unconscious) in order to build fruitful and solid relationships.

V.

[A Dying Breed]

I know this really sounds like a loser thing to do, but video games are great.

It's actually one of the first ways I really connected with my gf. And I know she's an avid gamer if we arent together.

It may cost a little money, but buying a game you like and playing online is a great way to make friends. You get a friend's list and its really easy to meet new people. If you meet people you dont like you can easily block them, and if someone you like is online, the two of you can play together with the tap of a button. There are so many varieties of games it's easy to find one you'll like.

And some people might think it's lame or antisocial, but it isn't. I know me nor my girlfriend would really enjoy video games if it weren't for some of the people we play with.

And when the two of you are together, it's just another thing you can both do to have fun. Really, give it a try, you'd be surprised how quickly you can find people you have a lot in common with.

[Guest]

Well... I don't really know where to start.
I am just a very clingy person, and I can't help it. I'm a very introverted, very to-myself type of girl... I have friends, but not friends I hang out with on a regular basis and I'm not really close with them.

My boyfriend is my best friend... but, I'm finding out that that's not exactly a good thing. He needs his friends. He needs to have "guy" time and some space sometimes. I'm more than willing to give it to him. But the second he's gone, I feel so lonely and so needy for his attention... like he is the only person who can make me happy and fulfill my life. I feel bored and lonely. I don't know what to do. I am falling apart. I know that it will eventually push him away...

How do I become more independent? I have to make this relationship work because I truly feel like he is my soul mate... and I know that if it ends, it will be because of this problem. People tell me to make new friends and find hobbies...easier said than done! Please help me... I am so desperate.

Hmm as a guy I actually think women who are clingy is a good thing.... I have the impression that most women are the complete opposite of clingy and that the guy usually is the one who loves the girl more and wants to be with the girl more. So since for the most time it is the guy who is the clingy one in relationships it's a nice change that girls can also be clingy...

[GlassDaemon]

My mother always told me that "It's not your partner's job to make you happy, you must find your happiness." I suppose that sounds really awkward cause so many people their partner is the root of their happiness, but in reality you should be happy without someone, you can't rely on them, then you become really dependent and needy. Some think that's a good thing, to be dependent, I do not. Sure I miss him when I'm not with him, but I'm not desperately counting the seconds till we next meet, I can have fun without him too. It's important that you can live your own life, I mean, we don't want to consider this, but what if something goes wrong in the relationship, or if you completely refuse to consider that concept, what if your partner dies? You should be able to be independent, it's something you need to learn. I sincerely believe that some people need to spend a few years just being single, they need to find themselves. Not telling you to blow off your relationship lol (I'm actually referring to when a relationship hits the fan to not instantly go out and find someone else)

[kbmoose]

so very lost

I have been struggling with this alot lately, my husband and I have been together for 14 years and lately he says that I am smothering him, I don't mean to do this. I have always been a very shy person bordering on social anxiety and he thinks that after being with him for so long (he is very outgoing and friendly) that I shouldn't be so shy anymore and that I should be able to make friends.
But the truth is that I feel completely lost when he is not around and it hurts that we fight over something like this.

I have tried to be more outgoing I even went back to college recently but I am on winter break right now. I don't want to drive him away, I don't think that i could live if we split up which makes me feel very pathetic

[Nikki1000]

I feel like I have the same issue....I just got out of a terrible relationship that I was in for a year and a half I was so clingy and needy always calling and texting my ex and thats the reason we broke up now I have a new boyfriend thats in the army and hes away right now and Im always texting him and calling him and I promised myself I would not do this in this relationship we have been going out for a month so far and Im fine when hes with me but when hes gone I cant help it but be needy and I really dont want to be because I know hes busy and I feel terrible when I text and call him. I just dont want this issue to mess up this relationship because he is a really nice person the best person I have been out with so far out of my exs.

[seansylva2000]

i honestly get you...the moment i get seperated from my boyfriend for long...i feel he has been taken away from me!!i always end up breaking up wiv him,i have done this with 3guys now and i'm on the verge of loosing another...so,please try to loosen your hold a bit on him cos being clingy wont help!...find other things to get you involved so u dont miss him so much when he is away!