[Girlie_blondex]

Hmmm, I really don't think that it's a good idea to be clingy. Think about all those women in our great-grandparents, grandparents and even parents' generation who tried to break the mould of women being submissive to men. Think about how they struggled to ensure women had equal rights to an education, work, fair pay, etc. I think they would laugh at us if they saw us, young 21st century women, bawling our eyes out every time our partner goes away. We are so lucky, it's not frowned upon for us women to go out, get an education, pursue hobbies and meet new people. The world is literally our oyster and yet we waste what opportunities we have over some guy. Other people have made very salient points about relationships being ultimately unsustainable if one person is overly dependent on the other. I'm not saying ditch the partner at all, I'm saying learn to live with yourself, find yourself and not be his shadow. We owe it to those women of the past who would have loved to have the opportunities we have today, and most importantly, we owe it to ourselves.

[heather71]

Wow, I thought I was really strange to feel so needy; Thank you for sharing what your going through; it helps . Thank you !!

[michellenm]

i feel the saaame way!

i'm going through the exact same thing, it's good to see so many others saying they feel that way too in their relationships. here's to hoping it gets better sooner rather than later :/ it really is sooo much easier said than done, getting new friends (especially when you SUCK at talking to people), getting out and doing new things, etc... AND especially when depression keeps pulling you further and further under. i keep reminding myself to remind myself, it'll be okay. i'll be okay... but the days are emotional rollercoasters, i feel stronger right now than i did ten minutes ago, and in another ten minutes i'll probably cry a little.. lol i really hope it goes away soon.

[michellenm]

Hmmm, I really don't think that it's a good idea to be clingy.

lol sorry but duuuuh! can't help it though, it comes from inside

[clajan]

I am so glad to know I am not alone! I've been friends with my current boyfriend since second grade, and we started dating our senior year of high school. I don't have any friends, because all of my friends from highschool moved away to other schools. He's all I have left. I'm really not good at making friends, but he is. He's made a lot, and he's always mad when I want to spend time with him because he wants to be with his friends. Since he lives in the dorms and I live at home I can't be there when he goes to parties with out me or when he and his friends go to the gym. He "invites" me, but he knows I can't go... This weekend he went over to a girl's house, one of his friends, for an ALL weekend party. I found out that she wanted me there only after I had already gone home and they had left for her house. I'm so upset about it, but he's telling me I'm over reacting. Which I am. I just really need friends I guess, because he doesn't always want me around. It's so hard though when I feel like I need him all the time.

[madswart]

I also made an account just because of this thread. I don't know how current this is but it's obviously something that many girls go through everyday so hopefully someone will see this and respond.

I am a very clingy person...but to friends. Not boyfriends. The last boyfriend I had was a few years ago and I'm pretty sure he left because I was so clingy. Now I'm too afraid to date other guys because I am afraid of being hurt. So I started putting my clinginess in my friends and AVOIDING guys. I always have a best guy friend now that I completely rely on. I thought it was okay because we weren't romantically involved so there was no way I could get hurt...I was wrong.

I have lost a few friends BECAUSE of this. It hurts and it sucks.

The fact that I've been avoiding guys is not healthy. It sucks. But it's funny because any guy that comes around...if they start acting clingy I immediately drop them. It's the weirdest thing. I'm not going to lie but I'm a pretty attractive young lady and I could definitely get a good guy. The problem is I am not giving any guy a chance because I am so dependent on my friends I think, "Hey why have a boyfriend when I can just have hook ups and rely on my best friend."

It's the worst because when they eventually get a girlfriend I get insanely jealous. Even if I'm not romantically interested in them I psych myself out because I basically treat our friendship like a relationship.

Unhealthy things that I do:
-I'll text this one person...a lot. At least like 3 times everyday. Whereas I won't respond to anyone else really. I currently have 60 unread messages on my phone.
-I'll make up lies so I can get attention from them. It's one of the worst things I do and I always feel guilty after but there is a specific type of attention I would be craving: The I care for you and I'm here for you reassurance. So I'll make up things so I can hear those words and feel loved.
-I'll make myself dream about a person before I go to bed. I don't know if this is necessarily bad...I'm brainstorming. But usually whoever is my "friend" at the time I will fall asleep thinking about. This is probably unhealthy because this person isn't even my boyfriend.
-I hate being alone. I feel like if I'm alone everyone is judging me and I'm judging myself. I can be doing things alone but if I'm just sitting on the couch alone I feel like .
-I won't be happy around other friends. I hang out with people a lot but never feel satisfied and always go home feeling sad.

Healthy things I do:
-I always keep myself busy artistically. Not to brag but I'm multi-talented. If I am ever feeling this clinginess feeling I work on my art. Sometimes my motivation is "I hope they see how talented I am and like me" Artistically it doesn't matter where my motivation comes from but maybe mentally I should work on this?
-I hang out with people a lot. I keep myself busy.
-I exercise
-I watch movies
-I read

Basically...how do I get rid of this? This dependency on people?

Any suggestions?

Or does anyone need any clarifications on anything?

[jns]

madswart, it sounds like you need to go to a psychologist to get all of this sorted out. You have to be happy about yourself to be confident enough to not cling to people. You use the people around you to give you a sense of self worth instead of having it come from inside. Your activities are good, but taken to extremes, can be avoidance.

[Hopeless Dork]

Actually madswart... I think you are on your way to healing this sort of self-induced hurt. You RECOGNIZE it is unhealthy and that is the most important thing. You recognize that you can not sustain relationships (friendships or romances) this way which shows you are in no way dillusional about your behavior. All it seems you need to do now is put in to practice behaving in healthy ways and distancing yourself from unhealthy behaviors.

Avoiding dating to avoid getting hurt, is also avoiding joy and life experiences , the rollercoaster ride of love and so much more. Sure you may get hurt, and even if the person never leaves you they are likely to hurt your feelings at some point. Its the way it works amongst the imperfect humans-- but the happiness shared being with other people soooo far exceeds the sadness, especially when you have the right frame of mind.

Don't make up stories to get your friends to tell you they care about you. 1. It will become old hat, and they will likely grow to resent your drama and start avoiding you which is the opposite of your desired effect.

Do not fixate on male friends as potential boyfriends. 1. It clouds you from being open to other guys that would actually be interested in being with you. 2. It sets you up to feel hurt when they date others.

I stayed away from guys for a long time not wanting to deal with the potential for hurt but I finally decided that avoiding people to avoid hurt is emotionally more damaging than the ugliest of break ups. To avoid hurt is to avoid feeling at all, including all the good feelings, butterflies, blushing, giggling, hugs and snuggles and feeling loved and wanted. Its worth it.

[madswart]

madswart, it sounds like you need to go to a psychologist to get all of this sorted out. You have to be happy about yourself to be confident enough to not cling to people. You use the people around you to give you a sense of self worth instead of having it come from inside. Your activities are good, but taken to extremes, can be avoidance.

See that's the thing I AM happy to be myself. I know what my best features are and I know also what my flaws are. I just love the attention and reassurance I get. It makes me upset when people don't understand me because I think I'm a pretty good person. I just like it when people understand me and are on the same page.

I have tried going to a therapist and things but I don't think that is my problem. As you can see I am very honest with myself. I know when I deserve a pat on the back and when I deserve a smack in the head. I am very realistic and I am very good at knowing what I am feeling and possibilities for why I am feeling it.

My main problem is how to go about fixing it physiologically I guess. I do everything I need to. I am pretty good with advice but I am very bad at changing my habits.

As silly as this sounds and how also completely irrelevant this may sound I just deactivated my Facebook and I am hoping to stick with it for at least a week. I have also become very Facebook dependent. Everytime I take a good photo or a sing a new song I put it on Facebook and my way of determining if other people will like it or if it is good is how many likes and comments I get.

I know it's not only my fault. It's my whole generation.

It doesn't mean I don't like the picture or the video. I just get ashamed and shy if other people don't like it.

So I guess that's my problem there...I need to stop caring so much about what other people think.

But how do I do that?

[madswart]

Actually madswart... I think you are on your way to healing this sort of self-induced hurt. You RECOGNIZE it is unhealthy and that is the most important thing. You recognize that you can not sustain relationships (friendships or romances) this way which shows you are in no way dillusional about your behavior. All it seems you need to do now is put in to practice behaving in healthy ways and distancing yourself from unhealthy behaviors.

Avoiding dating to avoid getting hurt, is also avoiding joy and life experiences , the rollercoaster ride of love and so much more. Sure you may get hurt, and even if the person never leaves you they are likely to hurt your feelings at some point. Its the way it works amongst the imperfect humans-- but the happiness shared being with other people soooo far exceeds the sadness, especially when you have the right frame of mind.

Don't make up stories to get your friends to tell you they care about you. 1. It will become old hat, and they will likely grow to resent your drama and start avoiding you which is the opposite of your desired effect.

Do not fixate on male friends as potential boyfriends. 1. It clouds you from being open to other guys that would actually be interested in being with you. 2. It sets you up to feel hurt when they date others.

I stayed away from guys for a long time not wanting to deal with the potential for hurt but I finally decided that avoiding people to avoid hurt is emotionally more damaging than the ugliest of break ups. To avoid hurt is to avoid feeling at all, including all the good feelings, butterflies, blushing, giggling, hugs and snuggles and feeling loved and wanted. Its worth it.

You are absolutely true about the dating thing. It's not that I don't get that happiness. I get it from friends and the people I am dependent on. But I think I am giving them more attention then I should give a friend. What I am saying is I am giving them the attention I could be giving to a great guy.

The thing is I am getting all of the cuddling giggling hugs and all of that stuff. Just in different ways. I think that is the first step I need to take. I need to stop closing other guys out so fast. I need to give them a chance.