[One_Confused_Katie]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. We had dated six months before, but due to very complicated circumstances outside of our control we were forced to not only break up, but also stop talking for what ended up being 2 years. Once we started talking again things were going great. We ended up dating again within a month of talking. Dating had a bit of a rocky start, but that was just a matter of getting used to being with each other and getting over the fact that we we're 4 hours away from each other, I was away at school and he lived up North, about an hour away from where I actually lived. We got through it all though, usually not arguing for long and always talking it out. Our sex life had become steady and when we did see each other (he would usually come down to visit me at least every other weekend) we had LOTS of sex. One weekend we managed to get up to 8 times. (sorry for being so blunt).
There were still issues with my parents not liking him (they were the reason we had to separate in the first place) and so it became difficult to see him, even when I was home from school. Once I finished that year of school and came home for the summer, our sex lives steadily decreased. I wasn't worried at first because when we did have the ability, we would, plus we would have naughty conversations sometimes when we weren't together. It actually hadn't started worrying me until recently.
I ended up taking a year off of school for financial reasons and moving out of my parents house as well. Mike (my boyfriend) and I got an apartment together and have been living here since August. Our relationship itself has been doing great. The issues are with our sex life and this next school year. We have gone to only having sex maybe once a week, if that. That's very abnormal for us. I try to start it, but he usually pushes me away or pulls away and says he's "not in the mood." One night he actually told me that I don't turn him on anymore. That hurt. He said he didn't mean it like it sounded, but I don't know how else to take it. It's gotten to the point where the sex we have rarely feels like anything more than him taking pity on me.
On top of our depleting sex life, I have the impending knowledge that come August I have to go back to school, about 3 hours away from where we live. I asked him to move there with me so we wouldn't be so far away, but he insists on staying up north. One night I was crying about it and in attempts to cheer me up he said he would move down there if our relationship absolutely needed it. He tells me one of the biggest reasons he doesn't want to move down there is because his mom, who has treated him like garbage most of his life, is trying very hard to become sober. He's really invested a lot of emotion in her recovery so far. Unfortunately she refuses to do any sort of program like AA so I'm scared that she is EXTREMELY likely to fail. She has also put the pressure on Mike that he is her only reason for staying sober and that if he leaves her then she has no reason to continue her sobriety. It makes me hate her. I feel so guilty for it, but it's not fair. It's not fair to me and it's especially not fair to Mike. At one point Mike asked me why I don't see it from his perspective, but I do. I just also see it from mine. It kills me inside thinking that I'm not enough.
Well... that's the gist of my problems... I don't know what to do on either account. The only thing I can come up with is sit and cry. I've tried talking to him about all this, but he just sort of shrugs it off and avoids confrontation.

[lizzardb63]

It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot on his mind and on his plate. A lot of times when men lose their sex drive it's because they are stressed out. He probably is going through a lot of emotions and stress due to his mothers condition and perhaps is feeling the pressure of trying to make you happy and helping his mother become successful in being sober.

Some guys "shrug it off" because they have a hard time expressing their emotions and find it easier to avoid them. I would ask him what he wants out of the relationship, what his expectations are, what he sees for the future. Do you think your relationship would hold up if he stayed behind? Perhaps because of that absence you'll start having more sex, due to the excitement of seeing each other again.

I know when my fiance goes away for business trips, when he gets home we have more sex because we haven't seen each other in a while, but if we see each other EVERY DAY, it isn't quite as exciting anymore. I am not sure why he would say you don't turn him on anymore, unless he meant it as he just can't get turned on anymore IN GENERAL. Stress and emotional situations can wipe our your libido in a flash. That could be all it is as far as that goes.

[Ashlee T.]

Sounds to me like prior to living together you two had alot of infatuation probably even doubled by the whole having to struggle to be together (Romeo and Juliet syndrome). Reality set in when you moved in together. His lack of desire for sex with you is concerning to me but mainly only because of how soon it is in the relationship and the fact that he has said things to you like "you just don't turn me on". Turning around and saying "I didn't mean it that way" means absolutely nothing to me because, well, quite frankly...how else COULD he mean that?? Who wants to have sex with someone that isn't turned on by them??

I believe the issue with his mom is a seperate one. This is his mother and I'm sure despite their history he feels some obligation to her. People that grow up with alcoholic parents often struggle with co-dependency issues. They have spent much of their lives caring and watching out for the person that is supposed to be caring for them. That's something hard to understand for someone that didn't grow up that way. There is a sense of responsibility there that is just hard for someone else to grasp. Try very hard to see this from his perspective. And keep this issue seperate from your own relationship issues (i.e. lack of sex). I do not believe one is causing the other, etc.

Is your boyfriend affectionate with you? Does he give you kisses? Hold your hand? Compliment you? Does he ever do special things to make you feel good? Do you feel loved and cherished by him?