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Why Men Won't Ask You Out:

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  • Why Men Won't Ask You Out:

    I couldn’t think of a better title for this, so forgive me if it’s a somewhat indirect title.

    The topic is about why us men do not approach single women, specifically in public or even social events.

    I was asked about this by a female friend over the weekend, and it took me a while to explain my side of things.

    My friend is a very attractive, slim, desirable, single woman. She was frustrated, and almost outright angry, about the fact that she never gets approached, “hit on,” by men, even though she’s single and is looking for a mate.

    The fact that she never gets approached kinda’ shocked me. But then I thought about it, and realized that the reason can in part be for the exact same reasons that **I** do not approach women. So I explained my POV:

    One reason is that us men simply get “beat up” in the flirting process. You can’t understand unless you are a man; it is generally our responsibility to put in all the initial “work” in approaching a woman, and when you have no idea of either whether or not she is single, let alone would have any interest in you, a guy is taking a huge chance in an approach.

    Yes, I “get” that this is part of how it works. But you have to subject yourself to constant rejection to understand how it tends to impact most people, male or female. “Extra-thick” on the skin is a must in this environment, but it’s probably the majority of people in general who find any form of rejection to be tough to take.

    As a numbers game, you have to put in perspective the fact that us guys get rejected **constantly**. It can be either a form of rejection that is in no way intended to be negative, just the normal course of “I already have a boyfriend/husband,” OR it can be a much more negative rejection, all of which us men get pounded with from time to time no matter how pleasant, attractive, or desirable a mate we may be. (Perhaps another post soon on the differences between American women and foreign women...in my experience. The difference is substantial in certain cultures).

    Rejection is rejection. It has an almost subconscious effect that presents a whole new hurdle, a challenge outside of the already daunting challenge of approaching a complete stranger, and trying to get to know her.

    I personally am a very social person. But I realized after talking to my female friend, that I rarely make any effort any more to get to know a new female. This was not a conscious decision; I realized it has just “happened" over the course of time. It surely is due to just not wanting to deal with the stress of an approach, nor the rejection from the effort.

    I talk to guys all the time, for the simple reason that there is no threat of rejection, cuz I could basically care less whether that guy wants to continue communication. I will also talk to women very readily, but very often (in fact, almost always) not ones I’m attracted to; again, for the simple reason that I can make a new friend, adding to my “acquaintance social circle” as I call it, without any of the “games” that come into play when there is a physical attraction involved...and there's no concern if she doesn't wish to continue communication.

    It’s a pickle.

    But it’s also a lot less stress, lol.

    I pestered two of my male friends to find that they have virtually the same exact perspective, and for the same reasons.

    The online dating gig has become the venue of choice to try to find a woman as the alternative. Number one, we know the lady is (likely) single, and two, there is minimal “rejection” when the lady chooses not to respond to us. We move on to the next with hardly a second thought outside of momentary disappointment when one we're attracted to doesn’t respond to our email.

    Super easy.

    And for the record, I’ve been told I’m a fairly appealing guy; I am fairly confident but not cocky, pleasant but not a wuss, sense of humor, and smiling. When I do go the length to try to get to know a woman I’m attracted to, I’ll make sure the eye-contact is spot-on, I engage her in both brief small talk and some engaging conversation relevant to the circumstances, incorporate in some fun neutral humor...and then of course give her a sample of MY goods, by flashing just a little bit of the top of my white butt, turning around and pulling my pants down just enough for her to see.

    (I’ve been told I have a great butt, hence the butt-shot effort to impress her).

    “Butt” still, I all too often get rejected.

    (And for the record, everything above was serious except the butt-showing part) ;p

    “Butt” again, it just boils down to the rejection factor...(And seriously now)....it happens enough over the course of a male’s life that it’s not a “giving up,” that we’re doing, we just don’t have the energy or will power to bother trying any more. Public interactions have become such that even in really friendly cities, like mine, men and women really just do not “mingle” much unless there’s a real social reason to.

    And in my experience, women are taken (boyfriend or married) in exactly 99.85968% of the cases I approach a woman.

    (Else they are being kind and sparing me the “uh, no thanks, you’re gross, not interested” response...and if that's the case, "thank you " for sparing my ego ladies..).

    I guess single people just need to all be designated, by law, to only live in specific cities. Then everyone would know everyone else is single and available, and the effort would always be worthwhile, even with rejection. ;P

    That was my answer to her, and I think she understood.

    Just my perspective, in case other women were looking for a point of view on this topic.

  • Good subject, Tim. Beyond rejection is the fact that some guys will put up the rejection and go for as high as they can reach and even higher, but most will not. Most will go at a level where the amount of rejection is tolerable. Add the fact that some guys are smooth and quickly reject approaches that don't work or choose what approach will work on a specific woman due to what they see and what they know about her. Most guys, even if they can usually be witty and funny, get tongue tied when they try to approach a woman that they have strong interest in who they have never approached in a social situation. After a few times at that and getting shot down they no longer try. Also there are some guys that get approached by women all of the time due to what they do. A friend who is a guitarist in several bands is like that even though he will be 50 in a couple of years.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • For women often the problem we have with men approaching us is the intent a man will have to find a sex partner. It is all too common for a guy to approach the pretty girl with the true hopes he can bang her. It is those horndog men that ruin the chances for other genuinely caring men. If a guy is in a conversation to probe if she will sleep with him then he can move on and the rejection should not come as a surprise. All too often you hear of women saying "he was cute but he started to stare at my boobs so I ended that quickly" or "he was gawking" or "he was staring and it made me feel weird". If it involves that sex undertone a woman is very likely to pick up on it quickly and squash any potential chance the guy has. The key for guys I think is to carefully choose the environments they approach women in. If it is in a bar then she is automatically going to be thinking he is looking for a 30-second hole in the mattress type encounter, so she is likely going to laugh at him for even approaching her. Girls have to be careful with guys like that, they do not simply want to go home with a guy just because he is horny. Bars, clubs, parties etc...bad situation to honestly meet someone. It has to be in a non-sexual environment if the average woman is to take a man's words seriously.

      However, I have talked to girls and they have said some of their most successful dates come from when they meet someone in the grocery store. Of all places the grocery store lol. It has zero sexual undertone so that red flag is not there, unless of coarse he stares at her boobs or body, and it can be an honest meeting. Maybe he could ask her what her opinion is of the best sauce is for that night. Genuine casual talk is often the best method for a guy to approach a girl. Careful with the opening line though, things like "well you look good in that dress" or "your face is pretty" to her can mean "here we go again a guy focusing on looks". Do not focus on looks guys, a girl wants you to be interested in her and not her body or how she would look naked. Again those horndog guys ruin the speaking chances for the nice guy but that is just the way things are now. Be genuine with her, that is the key. Oh and check her left hand, if you see a ring on her finger move along and do not bother with her lol.

      I can understand guys getting tongue tied and nervous about talking to a woman but honestly if you can open up with a good line, not focusing on looks, then you have a shot with talking to her. In my case I have a boyfriend but while at the University there is the odd guy that will come up to me and try to open with something about the class subject. A lot will take advantage of the forced lab partners lol, I have seen many relationships start because of those meetings. It is easy in that context because we may both be in the same class so he could open with "what day is the midterm on" and it is an immediate conversation starter, from there the guy will usually just start talking about how my day has been and maybe what I have planned on the weekend. Just casual talk and I appreciate that type of casual talk from a guy. And it is even better if it is common grounds/interest talking like it is with guys in my University classes, maybe the same can apply to people in your workplace building.
      There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

      Comment


      • Very good subject, Tim.

        I read through your post, and there were so many things to quote on
        The sting of rejection can be very unpleasant, but it's also a way to learn, and rework on your craft.

        It's easy to say now after the huge amount of beating I took and after growing a rhino skin lol

        Personally I would recommend to ask out when you are interested.
        Most women if not all, especially the emotionally intelligent, can read men.
        So why beat around the bush ? And not asking is loss.

        But like a golfer, you have to have several clubs for different types of terrain.
        Behold the presence of the Father in all beings...

        Comment


        • Sometimes a woman wants to be the one to show, she is the one interested.

          If she is smiled at, common factor as a result but not approached, she wonders and wants to know who he is.

          If he is smart he will work out a way in which to know how to contact her again, or enquire if she is regular, when, things without her knowing.

          A woman whom is good looking, is sought to be un-approachable by alot of me, "she wouldn't go out with me" is this not in-security? Same ,with a guy.

          Rejection is not all that it seems, sometimes it is a test to see what you will do next... Smile, turn to walk, and give her instead a food for thought, of " don't have to hide behind words, you are stunning but I prefer to know who is inside" and walk.

          There are many ways in which to see things.

          CW
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

          Comment


          • Sometimes a woman wants to be the one to show, she is the one interested.

            If she is smiled at, common factor as a result but not approached, she wonders and wants to know who he is.

            If he is smart he will work out a way in which to know how to contact her again, or enquire if she is regular, when, things without her knowing.

            A woman whom is good looking, is sought to be un-approachable by alot of men, "she wouldn't go out with me" is this not in-security? Same ,with a guy.

            Rejection is not all that it seems, sometimes it is a test to see what you will do next... Smile, turn to walk, and give her instead a food for thought, of " don't have to hide behind words, you are stunning but I prefer to know who is inside" and walk.

            There are many ways in which to see things.

            CW
            Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 02-14-2012, 05:20 AM.
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
              Sometimes a woman wants to be the one to show, she is the one interested.

              If she is smiled at, common factor as a result but not approached, she wonders and wants to know who he is.

              If he is smart he will work out a way in which to know how to contact her again, or enquire if she is regular, when, things without her knowing.

              A woman whom is good looking, is sought to be un-approachable by alot of me, "she wouldn't go out with me" is this not in-security? Same ,with a guy.

              Rejection is not all that it seems, sometimes it is a test to see what you will do next... Smile, turn to walk, and give her instead a food for thought, of " don't have to hide behind words, you are stunning but I prefer to know who is inside" and walk.

              There are many ways in which to see things.

              CW
              twice for good measure ?! **hugs**
              Behold the presence of the Father in all beings...

              Comment


              • Hugs back Max , I (we missed you )
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment


                • When I first met my wife I did not even try to hit on her or flirt with her, because I could never imagine anyone with as much as she had going for herself being interested in a guy like me. She later tells me she was immediately attracted to me. It was 8 months before I got up the nerve to ask her for a hug which she turned into a kiss, the rest is history. We got to know each other real well and we fell in love over an extended period of time. I guess the lesson here is to not sell ones self short, but to take some time and let nature take its course. If its meant to be then it will be. My wife and I just enjoyed our 13th anniversary together. In the beginning we wasn't looking but somehow we found us. There is someone out there for your friend, maybe she already knows him.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post

                    Rejection is not all that it seems, sometimes it is a test to see what you will do next...

                    CW
                    First off, thanks everyone for the positive feedback...such nice people here.

                    I will start another thread in the next week regarding the INTENTIONS men have, that I have been wondering about a LOT lately, that I never see discussed.

                    But on this particular post, I wanted to give an important male perspective:

                    In western culture especially, rejection is something that MOST of us will walk away from...permanently. Anything we do beyond a "no" translates into "stalker." We are taught "when a woman says no, she means NO." We are taught to respect that not just as it may relate to sex, but as it may relate to the dating game and socializing.

                    So women must-must keep that in mind.

                    And for the record...I, and most of the more socially-aware men (if I dare label myself as anywhere near that capable), DO know to look for the initiating smile from a woman as a sign. But that **again** (lol) is not indicative of much of anything, the majority of the time. A smile in my city is not the same as a smile at the Bunny Ranch.

                    (My goodness was THAT ever a lousy comparison).



                    Everyone gets my point.

                    Often times...at least I **think**...a smile is simply an acknowledgment that you are aware that each other is there, in order to say...not bump into one another, etc.

                    (sigh)............a bit too complicated a world.

                    Comment


                    • I think Scotty was getting at this, why not add women you find attractive to your "acquaintance circle" before approaching her? The idea of trying to forge a long-term connection on the basis of physical appearance (and body language cues) is downright terrifying to me. On the plus side, you don't even need dating websites to verify relationship status if you're trying to make friends with a girl - simply check out her social networking profile.
                      Obviously, these are not quick fixes to the problems listed above, especially the burden of the approach being on the man. But I imagine that basing a relationship on a previous friendship would more often result in a healthy pairing, rather than the cold approach.
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                      Comment


                      • Much rather have a friendship with a guy before anything emotional started. That way she can see how a guy is on a personal level. If a guy is arrogant well she will quickly find out through the friendship meetings, if he is a nice guy she will see that in the way he speaks and how he behaves. Just jumping right in and hoping the attractive girl says yes to being asked out is going to result in a lot of rejections. Feelings can develop for someone you may never have thought you would develop them for which makes the friendship approach so much more inviting.
                        There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by ItsASecret View Post
                          Much rather have a friendship with a guy before anything emotional started. That way she can see how a guy is on a personal level. If a guy is arrogant well she will quickly find out through the friendship meetings, if he is a nice guy she will see that in the way he speaks and how he behaves. Just jumping right in and hoping the attractive girl says yes to being asked out is going to result in a lot of rejections. Feelings can develop for someone you may never have thought you would develop them for which makes the friendship approach so much more inviting.
                          I can understand this but for me, at least, things have always been hit or miss, no rounds of observation through "friendship".
                          Plus there is the non-negligible risk that you end up the friend who stays the friend, one that she calls when she is sad, etc...the best friend purgatory so to speak.
                          I do like the idea of a man being asked out for once. Refreshing.
                          Behold the presence of the Father in all beings...

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by ItsASecret View Post
                            Do not focus on looks guys, a girl wants you to be interested in her and not her body or how she would look naked.
                            Why is it that most (if not all) attractive women dress as if they want to be noticed by men (or lesbians)? I've rarely seen a hottie wearing a burqa or dressed like a nun. Usually its skin tight tops with 60% of the surface area of the the boobs they want us NOT to look at being exposed. You don't see them wearing sweatpants that are 2 sizes larger than they need. Its a pair PINK shorts which end some 10 inches above the knees and right below the butt cheek crease. Am I missing something here
                            ?
                            Last edited by Little; 05-01-2012, 07:47 PM. Reason: link edited out

                            Comment


                            • Why is it that most (if not all) attractive women dress as if they want to be noticed by men (or lesbians)? I've rarely seen a hottie wearing a burqa or dressed like a nun. Usually its skin tight tops with 60% of the surface area of the the boobs they want us NOT to look at being exposed. You don't see them wearing sweatpants that are 2 sizes larger than they need. Its a pair PINK shorts which end some 10 inches above the knees and right below the butt cheek crease. Am I missing something here?
                              Yes you are missing the point. When you focus on a stripper or playboy model look you are going to get skimpy, sleezy clothing, and lack of modesty in appearance. The point is that in a relationship sense or a potential date sense we want men to want us for who we are not for what we look like. We want a man to say "hey want to go out on a date" because he thinks we are interesting and he wants to get to know us more not because our boobs are big or he has hopes to see that 'fine body' naked. Too many men do exactly what you did just now "rarely seen a hottie"...focusing on her appearance. How do you know she is not as dumb as a rock?...you paid attention because of her appearance. When a woman is wearing skimpy clothes she wants that visual attention from men that is why she is wearing them, when a woman wants to have a sit down romantic night with a man on a date or find her potential future husband she wants that man to want her to love her for her personality and everything about her and not automatically think "******** she is fine what a hottie I want those big ******** oh my god" or automatically jump to appearance as the reason he asks her out.
                              There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

                              Comment

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