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Dating / Monogamy part II. When is it appropriate to bring up sex?

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  • Dating / Monogamy part II. When is it appropriate to bring up sex?

    So, in my other post, I asked when, in the dating process, two people should become monogamous. To be clear, I am not talking about one night stands, or situations where both parties have agreed before hand that the sex is purely physical, no strings, etc. I'm talking about the normal dating situation. There's the fuzzy area that takes place after date number one, and both people are obviously still interested in one another, but the relationship is new, and they are not still not sure, etc. Often, it is during this time that potential couple has sex for the first time. I was curious about whether having that first sexual experience together means that the relationship has become monogamous or not. I think the most common response that I had was that everybody is different, and you should understand before you have sex what the other person thinks is acceptable, etc. Let me first say that I realize that everybody is different. I think any rational person realizes this. So I think that maybe my focus was wrong. I didn't mean to imply that I thought it was the same for everybody. So, I have a new question that may address this.

    When is it appropriate to bring up sex? I doubt most people start talking about it on the first date. And I also doubt that anybody pauses during a pre-sex make out session to say, "I think we should talk about our expectations on sex before we do it". How often have you, or the people you know, even talked about sex with your partner before you did it? As a guy, my hesitation to bring up sex is that I don't want the girl to think I am being presumptuous. Also, I am hesitant to bring up monogamy because I don't want to come across as moving too fast, or even seeming... desperate? If that makes sense? So, at what point, ladies, would you like your date to bring up sex and monogamy in a serious way like that? Maybe this question will produce better results.

    Thanks!

  • On a personal level, I'd be concerned if sex was not a topic (or, more often a physical reality to some degree) by the second date. But more preferably, before the first date!

    (Okay, I kid. I kid. But not like it's never happened. And this is hypothetical based on past behavior, as I am now married and monogamous.)

    If you're a sexual person who values sex very highly, it couldn't hurt to just go ahead and assume. Go ahead and expect sex when you want it. Don't be hurt or discouraged if she doesn't reciprocate. But you are entitled to your preferences just as your potential partner is, and if she doesn't like you to voice them ... that's a problem.
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    • When my husband and I were first dating, he brought up sex pretty quickly. The situation's a little different because we had been friends for a month or so before we dated. But we had talked about keeping things casual to begin with. I had no problem making out & getting handsie with each other, but wouldn't sleep with him if the relationship was open. We talked about all that on our first date. As things progressed, we talked about making our relationship exclusive & it changed how I felt about sleeping with him. Our relationship developed in stages & we talked about where we were at pretty openly. I don't think there's anything wrong with defining the relationship early on. It doesn't mean it's set in stone. It let's the other person know what you each want from the connection so neither has to feel they might be putting in too much or too little. If feelings change, you redefine the relationship with each other, to make sure you're both on the same page.

      Comment


      • I think you bring up sex when you're at a point that you want to have sex with the person you're dating. If that's the first date, so be it! If it's not for a couple dates, so be it! You're not under any obligation to wait for her to bring it up, nor should you be alarmed if she were to bring it up before you do. The same goes for discussing commitment (it doesn't necessarily have to be the same conversation, although that does happen)... when you're ready to commit, you say so.

        Personally, I won't sleep with a man until we are exclusively seeing each other, and it has been made absolutely clear that he and I are in a committed relationship. I make it well known that I'm not into casual sex. That can happen before any sexual advances, or if he advances when we're not exclusively dating only each other, I let him know my feelings at that time. The conversation should be able to happen without any resentment. I wouldn't resent him for wanting to have sex, and he shouldn't resent me for declining until we're more serious. No hard feelings (and no pun intended)...

        Comment


        • In my personal experience, please don't be offended for this is just my experience and I just want to share it for the topic. When dating a girl for me I explore first her personality and if we feel the same thing. They say it is love but I think it is just a feeling that you are comfortable to each other and for my guess whether it is the first time meeting she will feel if the person is trustworthy or not and if the the guy is only looking for sex. And if you are both comfortable to each other the next thing is trust and if the trust is already there then I think it don't matter if who started it. And in the commitment you can talk about it later after few more dates. You will know it because you are both comfortable to each other and you are both happy together......
          “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

          ― Mae West

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Crystalblue View Post
            When my husband and I were first dating, he brought up sex pretty quickly. The situation's a little different because we had been friends for a month or so before we dated. But we had talked about keeping things casual to begin with. I had no problem making out & getting handsie with each other, but wouldn't sleep with him if the relationship was open. We talked about all that on our first date. As things progressed, we talked about making our relationship exclusive & it changed how I felt about sleeping with him. Our relationship developed in stages & we talked about where we were at pretty openly. I don't think there's anything wrong with defining the relationship early on. It doesn't mean it's set in stone. It let's the other person know what you each want from the connection so neither has to feel they might be putting in too much or too little. If feelings change, you redefine the relationship with each other, to make sure you're both on the same page.
            How did your husband break out of the "friend zone" you put him in? I think this is a million dollar question for a lot of us guys!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by a_dub View Post
              How did your husband break out of the "friend zone" you put him in? I think this is a million dollar question for a lot of us guys!
              a_dub, you're the guy that likes the "model" types, right? Or am I getting you mixed up? I want to tell you the story of the last 20 years of my romantic life that I think reveals a funny and sort of disturbing fact about the fairer sex (I'll try to make it quick as I'm derailing):

              I'm 16-17 and a new family joins our congregation with the most beautiful girl I had even seen in my life. I spit my little teenage game. We see each other a couple of times, then I get the I'm-not-really-looking-for-a-relationship-let's-be-friends speech. I was heart-broken as I had really started to dig this girl. Her family gets more settled in over the months. Then, out of the blue she approaches me and asks me and my best friend to go to the fair with her and her best friend (also quite an attractive young lady that I would have never thought of approaching as she was older and seemed more sophisticated). We had a ball. It led to the most exciting time of my life being with this beautiful girl. It was like I was high on drugs the whole time.

              Here's the funny part: Months into our relationship, her best friend asked me to dance at a wedding reception. During our very awkward dance, she told me that she had a crush on me and had told her friend about it. She objected, telling her that we sort of had a thing. They agreed to go out with me together to get a feel for who I wanted. Whoever I chose, they would remain friends. I chose the one I liked, but, dude, she didn't want me until her friend did! It get's funnier though:

              One day she sneaks up to my college to stay with me over a long weekend, lying to her mother about some class trip. Her mother, seeing through her daughter's teenage schemes, comes up to my school to catch us. I hide my girlfriend in one of my friend's room. His girlfriend is in the room with him.

              Guess who I end up in a relationship with for the last 16 years...

              My friend's girlfriend!!! She saw me having an exciting time with this beautiful young woman. Up until that time she saw me as her innocent, study-partner - you know, typical friend material. I can't remember the exact words she used, but she didn't view me with any romantic interest. She told me that her view of me changed that night.

              I'm not telling you to play games and be seen with other women, because women (especially pretty ones with options) want men that other women want and have a more intricate thought process than most of us will ever have. I am telling you that if the girl I liked, didn't have a girlfriend who liked me, my romantic life would have been drastically different. Do what you will with that information, my friend

              Sorry for derailing, Mods and James1978.
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

              Comment


              • Originally posted by James1978 View Post
                When is it appropriate to bring up sex? I doubt most people start talking about it on the first date. And I also doubt that anybody pauses during a pre-sex make out session to say, "I think we should talk about our expectations on sex before we do it".
                Actually, the mature thing to do is exactly that. That would show a woman your level of communication abilities and prevent misunderstandings of where the relationshiop was going.

                That being said, when I was younger and actually in the dating scene, that kind of conversation would have freaked me out a bit. I was never looking for a relationship and a conversation like that would have screamed some type of relationship to me. But as long as the guy was saying he wasn't looking for something permanent or longterm, I would have been OK with it.

                I think people are a lot more open about sex these days. Having that conversation early on it better than not having it.
                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                Comment



                • Maybe since I am older and getting close to 60 , 3 more years I am very upfront when I " Date " or go out. I straight up tell them, I'm Willing to Date or go out a few times to see how we get along. Sex is Not an Option until I know them better, been to their Home, met their friends ( kids if any ) and the Same with me, they have to meet My Kids and be in my Home and meet my Friends.

                  If they want to get to Know me, Not my Body, But Me as a person. Lets get going.
                  Sex will come, if Compatible and then only if we are Exclusive.

                  This due to my last Relationship that lasted 2 years , where I was a Part Time Mistress, fell for the " Room Mate with Wife " situation, with a Married Man . Dated a Year and though not fully Sexual, My emotions got very tangled. And now I have Trust Issues. Including ones with myself.. Not blaming it all on Him . I was Part of the Mistake.

                  I have gone on a couple of Date's this past year or so. I was honest and explained, I'm not into Fast Dates or if they want a "Quickie " I'm not the Woman for them, though I'd value their Friendship and if they want someone to go to a BBQ or Classic Car Rally/ Show with, I'm in.
                  I also explain, that I am willing to pay my Share. So I don't feel Obligated to repay a Great Dinner with Sex. And they don't feel like they are Paying and getting Nothing other than my Company ..for their Money.

                  I can find a Man Attractive and Sexy and Kiss goodnight, maybe even deep Kiss goodnight. lol
                  But I think that what makes the Next date ( if any ) seem even more fun and interesting.
                  But .. When he grabs for my Breast or Crotch, if I don't grab his Crotch.. It's an " End of Date ". And that means , I haven't been to his Home and met his " Kids or Pets " , Can't call his home, can't call his work. And he is not as Interested in Knowing Me, as I thought ..

                  Guess after 50 ish, we learn we want more than Sexual Gratification or some " Sugar Daddy"
                  We are " Saving ourselves for a Life end Partner "..






                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                    a_dub, you're the guy that likes the "model" types, right? Or am I getting you mixed up? I want to tell you the story of the last 20 years of my romantic life that I think reveals a funny and sort of disturbing fact about the fairer sex (I'll try to make it quick as I'm derailing):

                    I'm 16-17 and a new family joins our congregation with the most beautiful girl I had even seen in my life. I spit my little teenage game. We see each other a couple of times, then I get the I'm-not-really-looking-for-a-relationship-let's-be-friends speech. I was heart-broken as I had really started to dig this girl. Her family gets more settled in over the months. Then, out of the blue she approaches me and asks me and my best friend to go to the fair with her and her best friend (also quite an attractive young lady that I would have never thought of approaching as she was older and seemed more sophisticated). We had a ball. It led to the most exciting time of my life being with this beautiful girl. It was like I was high on drugs the whole time.

                    Here's the funny part: Months into our relationship, her best friend asked me to dance at a wedding reception. During our very awkward dance, she told me that she had a crush on me and had told her friend about it. She objected, telling her that we sort of had a thing. They agreed to go out with me together to get a feel for who I wanted. Whoever I chose, they would remain friends. I chose the one I liked, but, dude, she didn't want me until her friend did! It get's funnier though:

                    One day she sneaks up to my college to stay with me over a long weekend, lying to her mother about some class trip. Her mother, seeing through her daughter's teenage schemes, comes up to my school to catch us. I hide my girlfriend in one of my friend's room. His girlfriend is in the room with him.

                    Guess who I end up in a relationship with for the last 16 years...

                    My friend's girlfriend!!! She saw me having an exciting time with this beautiful young woman. Up until that time she saw me as her innocent, study-partner - you know, typical friend material. I can't remember the exact words she used, but she didn't view me with any romantic interest. She told me that her view of me changed that night.

                    I'm not telling you to play games and be seen with other women, because women (especially pretty ones with options) want men that other women want and have a more intricate thought process than most of us will ever have. I am telling you that if the girl I liked, didn't have a girlfriend who liked me, my romantic life would have been drastically different. Do what you will with that information, my friend

                    Sorry for derailing, Mods and James1978.
                    Thanks, mate!

                    Comment


                    • If a man brings up the topic of sex and in a mature discussion I would be appreciative that he took the initiative to bring it up. If he remains mature about it then two adults can have an adult conversation about sex.

                      I am a woman who does not sleep around and I would say that right off the bat in the sex conversation, if he gets pouty or says "but other people do it" or "why not it would be fun" and so on trying to convince me to have sex quickly in the relationship then I would know the guy is not for me and I would quickly end it all. But if he brings up the conversation of asking when I believe it would be appropriate or when it would comfortable to start engage in sex in the relationship and he did not get upset or says he respects my decision in a calm mature manner then the sex conversation is purely a sign of his maturity and that is the big thing to me.

                      How did your husband break out of the "friend zone" you put him in? I think this is a million dollar question for a lot of us guys!
                      My bf of 4 1/2 years now was my school friend from way back. He broke out of it by asking me on a coffee date one a day he saw me in University (we were going to different schools). He said he wanted to catch up on things and from there we progressed into a relationship. This is the same method that many couples have used, a simple "hey how are things going? want to go for a coffee?" is sometimes all it takes. If you think too much about how you can go from friend to banging her then you are likely not going to have much luck, it is not about purposefully making things happen like breaking out of a friend mold...it is up to time and her decision. Some women will always think of a guy as a friend and nothing more, some will change from friend to significant other, some will one day come to hate their friend and never talk to them again...it is all different.
                      There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by ItsASecret View Post


                        My bf of 4 1/2 years now was my school friend from way back. He broke out of it by asking me on a coffee date one a day he saw me in University (we were going to different schools). He said he wanted to catch up on things and from there we progressed into a relationship. This is the same method that many couples have used, a simple "hey how are things going? want to go for a coffee?" is sometimes all it takes. If you think too much about how you can go from friend to banging her then you are likely not going to have much luck, it is not about purposefully making things happen like breaking out of a friend mold...it is up to time and her decision. Some women will always think of a guy as a friend and nothing more, some will change from friend to significant other, some will one day come to hate their friend and never talk to them again...it is all different.
                        A lot of times we're told - whether its true or not - that once you get friend zoned...thats it, game over, you have a better shot at winning the loto. Good to know thats not necessarily true.

                        Comment

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