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24 y/o Scared and confused

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  • 24 y/o Scared and confused

    Hello- Im 24 years old and have been with my beautiful boyfriend for almost 2 years. first let me give you some history. I went to college when I was 18 and had a Bf the WHOLE time and it was a physical/emotional/sexually abusive relationship. When I turned 22 I graduated as a Nurse and moved back to my home town in with my parents. I was making decent money and decided to get my own place and 1 month before I turned 23 I met my boyfriend and we've been attatched ever since. We love each other so much we moved in at 3 months :/ which was super fun at first. I still love every second I spend with him, but I have this huge gut feeling that I should have my own apartment so things can move a little slower and the excitement would last, as well as the appreciation for one another woudltn be washed out by monotony at such a young age (hes 30 btw never married, no kids). Anyway, I feel like I havent had the chance to learn and grow as a total individual and know what I like and what I have to offer before I can be the best I can be for my soul mate. I really want this chance to be self sufficient and think for myself and have my own place to call my own. I got my own apartment and will be moving in on the first of June. no roommates. It's a two bedroom to leave it open for options. I understand that this will change some of the dynamic aspects of our relationship because we will no longer BE with eachother and think for eachother all the time, but I still want to love him and trust him, see him atleast 4 times a week and take turns staying at eachothers places a couple times a week. He still loves me and begs me to stay and doest not understand. I'm being 100% honest I want to marry this man, and I have this heavy feeling that if I do not move out on my own for a bit I will hold animosity and never know what I have to offer, therefore I wont make a great wife/life partner. Anyway, my decision is done. My question to you all as I am the one making this decision, what steps can I take to ensure our relationship lasts? What can I do to show him that my love for him never changed. Im just confused at my feelings. And so scared that I will lose the love of my life over some silly "feeling". Please dont be too harsh, im still learning.

  • Honey welcome to the Forum.

    You know, since being here nearly 5 years now.. I've read enough to see some consistancies. And, so have so many others here, our members.

    What I believe you are feeling and thinking is "go you" you did this on your own right? This man, may show love because before that all you felt was abuse and really felt it. So this man is so different, thank God.. But are you clouded? Because you already know you want the freedom you had the day you left. I have been abused. And you need and want that independance to go yay me, never again and to experience and love the independant side you have learnt to have whilst the "honeymoon stage" you so need... right?

    He is 30 and doesn't understand, never been married, nor had kids and is living with you. I am wondering if you are asking yourself, is he using me in a different way? But I love him.

    Things in life as marriage goes are "equality" ..equal.. As feelings and thoughts go? Understanding and listening and acknowledging.

    You are young.. What if he is your stepping stone to the next level, that one that really stands out? Would you know? If you stayed.

    My advise is this. People come into our life for a reason, a season and/or a life time.

    And, love, true love nothing can stop it.

    Do what your heart is telling you what your mind is telling you. If he truly doesn't understand then maybe he can't, won't stand on his own two feet and that is not going to help the pair of you in the future.

    What your decision is and thoughts is based on what the future actually is.

    GO DO IT.

    Tell him again, you love him but you want to be you as well, proud of what you are doing, achieved. After all the ******** you went through, you never got the chance to experience you, it has nothing to do with him or the love and in fact it will make it stronger and it is what you need..

    GO DO IT.


    • Communication. It's the lifeblood of any relationship. He'll feel rejected, which is dangerous. But if you communicate very clearly why you're doing what your doing and how you feel, that's the best shot you have at making it stick. I'm guessing he already knows your history.
      "Those sowing seed with tears
      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


      • (Male- recently divorced-voice here) I see your post as "wanting your cake ...and eating it too". You want to "grow" with the independance that living alone provides- but you still want the security of the relationship that is leading to marriage. You made the "decision" to move out and get your own apartment:"my decison is done". My honest reaction would be a quote from the old JOHN WAYNE movie; Big Jake. Maureen O'hare makes the decision for the sherrif to try to ambush the kidnappers..then she asks her estranged husband what he thinks. His reply:"You made your decision alone...you live it alone."
        He may choose to chase you, court you, and hope that you will come back. Or he may have serious reservations; you left once- why shouldn't you leave again when the "mood" hits you? I have trouble with what I see as a rationalization of you following your desires to be "independant"- I am doing this so I can be a "good wife". I suggest that you re-examine your motive. Maybe you are doing this because you feel that you can not "grow" in your current situation and have made the decision to "change it" but you still want to "keep" the good parts. Who knows how you will grow in six months, nine months..a year? How do you or He know that the things that made you "love him" "want to Marry him" or even "live with him" will still be true? I think you are making the right decision for you...but as with all decisions; there are consequences. You have made the decision to "grow" and that almost certainly change who you fundamentally are. Maybe the relationship will continue...but I really don't expect that it will. You will change and He will change. Not necessarily a "bad" thing; but a certain one.


        • SJ has said allot here for the "Male" thinking, with also understanding the " Female " thinking. And Jim, has validated reasons, due to recent activities in his own life.

          So , Listen to your Heart, before Marriage or Commitment. It will be easier on Him & You. To Know who you Are when you do Commit. Many of us Think we are in Love, but until you Love yourself, all alone, with No one but You to fall back on. You won't know the Strengths you can share with another.

          SJ's wife, he loved, nurtured, married, took in his Heart, her as Family and Her Family as his own. And as his post show's, there is Hurt and Pain,because, She did not " know herself " and he was " Blinded " by his love and acceptance of her . If only he had Known...

          It is wise , if you have Questions and want to be on your Own to learn about yourself... That you Do so. But also do not Expect this man ( Soul Mate ) to just sit and Wait.
          He also needs some " not having Cake and Eating it Too " in his life.

          Your pain of being in a bad relationship and New Guy, being your Rescuer/Savior. Then, learning to be or feel safe every day, learning to breath and do " normal " things everyday, Learning to Trust again. may feel like a " Safety Net ".

          And now you are wanting Independence, on your own, spreading your Wings and knowing you will ALWAYS have a home to nest in. His Arms, His Love. While he waits for the Woman he may think of as his " Soul Mate " from the Beginning..

          As CW, said . Go Do It.

          You have Done It.. It is Done . Because you made a Decision !


          • For starters, I've lived with my boyfriend, now fiancee for a year and a half now after being in a long distance relationship for years (thank you military haha). Our attraction/excitment to see eachother hasn't changed. Granted, from Feb. 2011 til now, he's gone on 2 training missions 1 week and 2 weeks long, I went home for a month to take care of my mother after surgery, and he's deployed now... But still, I'm someone who has always gotten bored with people VERY quickly. And the fact that I could even go a solid month (nonetheless longer) seeing him everyday and not waivering, says something.

            So if it's fading for you, maybe he's not the one you wanna marry.

            HOWEVER, also TOTALLY get you wanting to do it on your own. The only thing my fiancee and I argue about is exactly that. I don't make very good money, but I've always been a hard worker. Before I moved, I was working 3 jobs. And it's a hard pill for me to swallow having to depend on him so much (although, I appreciate so much that he doesn't even see it that I'm dependent on him at all).
            We had a conversation, full of tears, when I first moved in with him, and I told him I just wish so much I could do the whole "living on your own/not with your parents" thing on my own. That I could pay my rent by myself, all my bills, etc... And he told me if it came down to that (this was before we were even engaged), he'd understand if I wanted to move out, but he would hope I wouldn't...or at least stay near him and not move back across the country.

            I feel like if your boyfriend is decent, he should be understanding as well.
            I know it would have hurt my fiancee if I had done that (now, being we've finally started trying to plan the wedding, moving out isn't an option anymore. I've come to terms with the fact that I can do anything I want, I don't have to prove it to myself, I already know it), but he was big enough to realize it was a personal thing for me, not that I wanted to leave him. I vidily remember simply saying to him, "I just want to prove it to myself that I can do it." and that seemed to flick the light switch on for him.



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