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Why do men get out of prison and mistreat their girlfriend and then leave them?

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  • Why do men get out of prison and mistreat their girlfriend and then leave them?

    I am looking for perspectives from people who have had any experience with prisoners or any advice in the situation.

    My personal story is here:

    My boyfriend got out of prison and left me PLEASE HELP!

    but why do they change. My boyfriend (now ex) was locked up for 10 years. He was the sweetest person, encouraging, positive and goal oriented. A month after he got out and we got into an argument, he turned on me, started mentally abusing me and then left me because he said i asked him too many questions and we argued alot. After we broke up, he just disappeared from my life. No calls or text to say hello, nothing. I received an anonymous text saying some very hurtful things to where my mom found out and told him off! After that he wants nothing to do with me. I tried calling him and he hung up on me or sent my calls to voicemail. Anyone that asks about me says that his response is " dont mention that name in my presence. Pure hatred but he can never explain to anyone why he broke up with me when they ask and to this day (2months later) i dont know what i did to make him hate me. Its like i dont exist to him anymore and it hurts. He was my best friend and he just ripped himself away from my life. His family ignores me and i feel so alone.

    Last weekend at the movies i ran into a girl i used to go to school with and she was telling me how she is now interested in my ex. I told her we weren't together anymore and she can talk to him. A day after that, i get a message on fb from his sister telling me that she is a concerned sister that thinks its best that i seize all contact with her brother b/c it agitates her to see him in distress. I assumed that the girl went back and told him that she saw me at the movies with someone else. How am i causing him distress when he left me?

    I am just hurting really bad right now b/c i feel betrayed. I was only with him for a year and a half but i gave him my all. i was loyal and i really thought he loved me but the fact that he could just kick me out his life without a second thought is unbearably painful. He is living life and i am suffering in pain because i reached out to someone at the lowest point in their life and he comes home and disposes me like a piece of trash. PLEASE HELP! and advice would be greatly appreciated and if you have the time please read my personal story on the matter to understand all that happened. The more advice i get the better and you may be as blunt as you wish. Thank you all in advance.

  • Before I respond with my thoughts, I want to make sure my understanding is correct...

    Did you know him or have any relationship with him prior to his being in prison? I ask because I see that he was in prison for 10 years, got out 2ish months ago, and you've been in a relationship with him for a little under a year and a half.

    From my understanding, that means throughout your relationship with this man, you didn't interact with him outside of prison until he was released for time served. Am I right?

    Comment


    • Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post
      Before I respond with my thoughts, I want to make sure my understanding is correct...

      Did you know him or have any relationship with him prior to his being in prison? I ask because I see that he was in prison for 10 years, got out 2ish months ago, and you've been in a relationship with him for a little under a year and a half.

      From my understanding, that means throughout your relationship with this man, you didn't interact with him outside of prison until he was released for time served. Am I right?
      yes, you are right. I only knew of him as a kid but never anything personal

      Comment


      • They (psychologists) say that after 10 years (or more) continued incarceration a man is usually psychologically altered/damaged beyond repair. During those 10 years he will have lived in a perpetually hostile environment in which everyone crowded together with minimal personal space and very finite resources, constantly competing for status by having to assert themselves daily to try and avoid being the victim of serious bullying and or violence (humiliating and degrading treatment from being made to wash other prisoners feet, being beaten or even being raped). Living like this for so long is bound to affect anyone and change them, likely for the worst.

        The question that interests me more is why women go for these types of men...
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

        Comment


        • Ruby, here's what I think...

          I think you never really knew who this man was until he was out. The year and 3 months you spent with him, he was in an altered state of mind - one very much as buddha discussed above. He was in a brutal environment for many years, dog-eat-dog, no real friends, no support. And then you came along, with your sweet demeanor, your attention, your support and loyalty, your love. He craved all that, and to add to it - you are a woman, and his whole world is surrounded by men. He was going to do everything he could to keep you attentive while he was locked up, because you're all he had. He didn't show you his real colors until he was free, and didn't need you anymore. He didn't change... he just didn't need to hide his true intentions from you once he was let out of prison.

          I think you were used. I think he always was that verbally abusive, angry, irrational person, but hid it from you until he didn't need to hide it anymore. Now he's out, he's got the freedom he needed, and he's able to interact with friends and family again. He no longer had to rely on you as his sole support system, his only means for any affection and meaningful human interaction, so he cast you aside.

          I know this is painful, but it's time you see it for what it is. Unfortunately, he played on your emotional attachment, and now you're left bewildered as he's going on with his life. You need to use this as a lesson learned. That people, as kind as they may seem, are not necessarily honest about their real intentions when they're in dire circumstances. He needed you for a while, and then he didn't anymore. So it is time for you to stop trying to call or text or get in contact with him in any way. Do what you need to do to get past the pain, because every day you spend mourning this ended relationship, is another day wasted. Are you going to let this man, who used and mistreated you, dictate the quality of rest of your days?

          Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and go live life. Do something you love. Think about the places or environments that bring out the best in you, then figure out a way to visit them often. Think about the joys in life, as small as they may be. Think about something you've always wanted to do - and go do it. You need to heal, and the best way to do so is to stop your mind from revisiting the pain, and focus on the positive future you're going to have now that hurt is behind you.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by buddhaboy View Post
            They (psychologists) say that after 10 years (or more) continued incarceration a man is usually psychologically altered/damaged beyond repair...The question that interests me more is why women go for these types of men...
            The question that interests me is why we as a society keep thinking it's OK to lock people up like animals and treat them worse than people were treated during the days of slavery. And why is "The Land of the Free" the worst on the planet for this? It's disturbing and saddening. Sorry for the derail...
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

            Comment


            • Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post
              Ruby, here's what I think...

              I know this is painful, but it's time you see it for what it is. Unfortunately, he played on your emotional attachment, and now you're left bewildered as he's going on with his life. You need to use this as a lesson learned. That people, as kind as they may seem, are not necessarily honest about their real intentions when they're in dire circumstances. He needed you for a while, and then he didn't anymore. So it is time for you to stop trying to call or text or get in contact with him in any way. Do what you need to do to get past the pain, because every day you spend mourning this ended relationship, is another day wasted. Are you going to let this man, who used and mistreated you, dictate the quality of rest of your days?
              .
              i would think that a man who has been locked up for that long would want a girlfriend or be happy to have a woman that stuck by them when they had nothing. He may not have needed the emotional support, but what im not understanding is how the emotional support and love from family could fill the void of love from a significant other. Family cant give that kind of love. Am i missing something here?

              On the contrary, No i am not going to let him dictate my life. I am also dealing with the aftermath of how he is trying to sabotage me to his family and friends. I haven't been contacting him but the fact that his sister felt the need to contact me and tell me to leave him alone bothered me because i never did anything to him. His family used to like me and now they probably think that i was the problem and i know i shouldn't care what they think but it bothers me that he could falsely exploit me like that and have people believe i am a bad person.

              Comment


              • After 10 years of confinement, it is difficult to say what any person would want. You're seeing his situation through your emotions. But for a man who had 10 years of his existence living on someone else's terms, it is absolutely possible that he only wanted your attention while he had no other options. And now that he does have options, you're not needed -and therefore not wanted - anymore.

                I know you want desperately to think that what you had together was deep, because the loyalty and attachment you feel are deep. But you must understand that the words he spoke to you, they were fleeting. A person who has nothing can easily turn on a fake persona like that for a long, loooooong time. What else has he got to do? You were a distraction to his otherwise bland and miserable existence. Now he no longer needs a distraction.

                Now that he's removed himself from you life, it's time to remove him from yours, and that includes his family since they've chosen to get involved.

                His sister should not have called you, you did nothing wrong. If you ever get contacted like that again, tell her you are living your life on YOUR TERMS now, and whatever feelings your ex has are his burden to bear. You said it yourself - you should not care what his friends or his family think of you. And if you do, that most definitely IS letting him dictate the quality of your life.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post

                  I know you want desperately to think that what you had together was deep, because the loyalty and attachment you feel are deep. But you must understand that the words he spoke to you, they were fleeting. A person who has nothing can easily turn on a fake persona like that for a long, loooooong time. What else has he got to do? You were a distraction to his otherwise bland and miserable existence. Now he no longer needs a distraction.
                  Thank you. Its true when they say yo learn something new everyday. I didnt think being a fake person was possible for anyone for along time and i never looked at the situation from that perspective. I know its going to take me some time and i have learned a very valuable lesson. I was very naive and i will work really hard to clear him out of my head. One of the best things about these threads is that one can always come back a re-read all the comments when coping with the pain at times becomes unbearable. I value each and every response. Thank you!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                    The question that interests me is why we as a society keep thinking it's OK to lock people up like animals and treat them worse than people were treated during the days of slavery. And why is "The Land of the Free" the worst on the planet for this? It's disturbing and saddening. Sorry for the derail...
                    I'm in the UK, I hear the prisons in the USA, or at least in certain states are worse than ours. I do not see an alternative to incarcerating members of society who are a danger to others. I don't think that an individual who is being punished by deprivation of liberty should be sent somewhere where there is a very real threat he will be raped/beaten/humiliated/subject to violence/threats daily if he can't 'look after himself'. I hear the bullying in women's' prison is even worse.

                    You deflected MY question though, maybe we could start a different thread if we want to discuss this though, we're now responsible for two hijacks, sorry OP.
                    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                    Comment


                    • Ruby.

                      It most certainly is good to have typed that out and have it there to re-read together with the replies to you. Maybe also you should use this thread to just "vent" how you are feeling, much like a diary.. Wouldn't that be simular to him being in jail for 10 years, only being able to write it down?

                      I think that you don't have closure. He refuses to say why and all the time whilst he was in jaol, you gave him your heart and what ever else you could afford as well, money, food. Wife material, love ... that is deep, only to be abused, feel used and kicked to the curb.

                      IDK, when we give we have to know and understand that our hearts may be broken, there are few, very few people that will enter our lives, take that love and keep it till the day they die, in some form of togetherness. Even, just loving you as a friend but admitting he can't cope would at least not have made you feel the way you do.

                      How old is he? And you.

                      10 years as stated by buddhaboy is a darn long time. Love may not mean anything to him with all the bullying, and hate that would have been behind those walls. He may have desperately, emotionally needed it and off course, then there was the money and food. I am guessing, he can't cope in this World now and just lives day by day, as he did in there. He would be in-capable sweet, I think of being able to be a normal person, living a normal life, with a decent job and a love .

                      I personally think that you are lucky. Where would he go from here? What would your life have been like? Take a walk into the future and really visualise it. If he went to jail for 10 years, could that also happen again? I can see him just sitting around, doing nothing, can't get a job, drinking, hanging out with mates, being alone.. Where would you fit into that ?

                      Look yourself in the mirror and pat yourself on the back that you have a good heart that you will make some guy a very happy man, in the near future and that you in return will have a beautiful relationship with someone who will treat you as you deserve and build a future with you.

                      Don't let this one relationship destroy your life.

                      You deflected MY question though, maybe we could start a different thread if we want to discuss this though,
                      Good idea, I think it's a good topic as well.
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
                        Ruby.

                        I think that you don't have closure. He refuses to say why and all the time whilst he was in jaol, you gave him your heart and what ever else you could afford as well, money, food. Wife material, love ... that is deep, only to be abused, feel used and kicked to the curb.

                        IDK, when we give we have to know and understand that our hearts may be broken, there are few, very few people that will enter our lives, take that love and keep it till the day they die, in some form of togetherness. Even, just loving you as a friend but admitting he can't cope would at least not have made you feel the way you do.

                        How old is he? And you.

                        10 years as stated by buddhaboy is a darn long time. Love may not mean anything to him with all the bullying, and hate that would have been behind those walls. He may have desperately, emotionally needed it and off course, then there was the money and food. I am guessing, he can't cope in this World now and just lives day by day, as he did in there. He would be in-capable sweet, I think of being able to be a normal person, living a normal life, with a decent job and a love .

                        I personally think that you are lucky. Where would he go from here? What would your life have been like? Take a walk into the future and really visualise it. If he went to jail for 10 years, could that also happen again? I can see him just sitting around, doing nothing, can't get a job, drinking, hanging out with mates, being alone.. Where would you fit into that ?
                        )
                        I am 25 and he is 26. You are right, i don't have closure, he wont give it to me, and those who could have helped me get closure (his family) didn't care enough to help me. That hurt me as well and yes if he did talk to me about how he was feeling it wouldn't hurt this bad. He treated me like he never cared and that hurt! what to you mean he will be incapable-sweet..? you lost me there.

                        I know that there is a possibility for someone breaking you heart. Usually its because of the break up, not in the way he treated me because he didn't have to do it that way. When he was locked up, we talked about these things and he promised me and my parents that he would never hurt me or leave me. My parents and i both told him that that is a ******** of a promise to make but he was so firm in that he knew that he wanted me and that it would never change... yea right, it changed a month after he got out over an argument. I will never forget the day he broke up with me, the coldness and vindictiveness. He didn't want me to touch him at all like i was a plague.

                        Also, he has a job given to him by a family member but i know its not a job h is proud of and its not giving him the amount of money that he needs to get the finer things in life in which he wants. I dont know where he would go but he has support from his family. I see your perspective and many have told me the same thing about me being lucky. I just cant wait for the day that i truly realize it and it doesnt hurt.

                        Comment


                        • I mean he may be in-capable of loving. It's very different to say words, when locked up, he was what, 16 when we went into a boys home, or gaol thereafter or gaol full stop not sure due to that age. 16.

                          Okay, so now this poses a question for you to consider. He may never have even had sex, or did for a year or two most, that's it in his whole entire life.

                          Imagine that? How could that affect him mentally now presented with the opportunity to have it every day?

                          Then, forgive me, but something "may" have happened to him also in gaol if you know what I mean. You will never know, he would never disclose something like that.

                          Sit back and read the above. I'll give you closure. It's not you, it's him... seriously.. He was 16 when he went to gaol. No life skills, no relationship skills, no realtionships at all really on a mature level. How is he meant to understand them?

                          How if you don't mind did you come about writing to him and entering into a relationship after he'd been in gaol for 8 years?
                          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                          Comment


                          • He has talked about his sexual conquests before he was locked up but maybe something did happen to him while he was in prison. Almost all of my friends and family think he might be gay because he didnt really spend that much time with me intimately. Which is wierd for someone who was locked up for 10 years. I came about writing him because i went to elementary and midde school with him. He was my first crush. I knew of him but didnt really know him personally. After he moved i never saw him again. 13 years later, i asked his cousin about him and thats how i found out his situation. I felt so bad for him that i wanted to write and see how he was doing, it was completely platonic, and thats where it started.

                            Comment


                            • You know it's a bit like internet dating

                              You fall for a "character" we can write very well via paper whether it's via the net, or sent to someone.. In person is a completeley different thing, tongue tied, don't speak the same anymore as they did in writing..

                              And, emotions so come into play "poor him/her" when we hear stories. This is why so many women end up having affairs as the man does the "poor me" .. And, then they fall for them.

                              His situation and as he was your first crush made you feel for him and fall for him.

                              He could be gay, he may really have never had conquests, he certainly never had much communication as far as on-going relationships go.. He's 26 and is now free after 10 years when he was just a kid, not a man.. He is not capable in my opinion sweet.

                              Don't worry about closure.. You have it really, 10 years in jail, like I said, it's not you ... So get on with your life you are 25 don't waste anymore of your time, that "guy" is out there for you.
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                              Comment

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