[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ruby.

It most certainly is good to have typed that out and have it there to re-read together with the replies to you. Maybe also you should use this thread to just "vent" how you are feeling, much like a diary.. Wouldn't that be simular to him being in jail for 10 years, only being able to write it down?

I think that you don't have closure. He refuses to say why and all the time whilst he was in jaol, you gave him your heart and what ever else you could afford as well, money, food. Wife material, love ... that is deep, only to be abused, feel used and kicked to the curb.

IDK, when we give we have to know and understand that our hearts may be broken, there are few, very few people that will enter our lives, take that love and keep it till the day they die, in some form of togetherness. Even, just loving you as a friend but admitting he can't cope would at least not have made you feel the way you do.

How old is he? And you.

10 years as stated by buddhaboy is a darn long time. Love may not mean anything to him with all the bullying, and hate that would have been behind those walls. He may have desperately, emotionally needed it and off course, then there was the money and food. I am guessing, he can't cope in this World now and just lives day by day, as he did in there. He would be in-capable sweet, I think of being able to be a normal person, living a normal life, with a decent job and a love .

I personally think that you are lucky. Where would he go from here? What would your life have been like? Take a walk into the future and really visualise it. If he went to jail for 10 years, could that also happen again? I can see him just sitting around, doing nothing, can't get a job, drinking, hanging out with mates, being alone.. Where would you fit into that ?

Look yourself in the mirror and pat yourself on the back that you have a good heart that you will make some guy a very happy man, in the near future and that you in return will have a beautiful relationship with someone who will treat you as you deserve and build a future with you.

Don't let this one relationship destroy your life.

You deflected MY question though, maybe we could start a different thread if we want to discuss this though,

Good idea, I think it's a good topic as well.

[rubyrage21]

Ruby.

I think that you don't have closure. He refuses to say why and all the time whilst he was in jaol, you gave him your heart and what ever else you could afford as well, money, food. Wife material, love ... that is deep, only to be abused, feel used and kicked to the curb.

IDK, when we give we have to know and understand that our hearts may be broken, there are few, very few people that will enter our lives, take that love and keep it till the day they die, in some form of togetherness. Even, just loving you as a friend but admitting he can't cope would at least not have made you feel the way you do.

How old is he? And you.

10 years as stated by buddhaboy is a darn long time. Love may not mean anything to him with all the bullying, and hate that would have been behind those walls. He may have desperately, emotionally needed it and off course, then there was the money and food. I am guessing, he can't cope in this World now and just lives day by day, as he did in there. He would be in-capable sweet, I think of being able to be a normal person, living a normal life, with a decent job and a love .

I personally think that you are lucky. Where would he go from here? What would your life have been like? Take a walk into the future and really visualise it. If he went to jail for 10 years, could that also happen again? I can see him just sitting around, doing nothing, can't get a job, drinking, hanging out with mates, being alone.. Where would you fit into that ?
)

I am 25 and he is 26. You are right, i don't have closure, he wont give it to me, and those who could have helped me get closure (his family) didn't care enough to help me. That hurt me as well and yes if he did talk to me about how he was feeling it wouldn't hurt this bad. He treated me like he never cared and that hurt! what to you mean he will be incapable-sweet..? you lost me there.

I know that there is a possibility for someone breaking you heart. Usually its because of the break up, not in the way he treated me because he didn't have to do it that way. When he was locked up, we talked about these things and he promised me and my parents that he would never hurt me or leave me. My parents and i both told him that that is a **** of a promise to make but he was so firm in that he knew that he wanted me and that it would never change... yea right, it changed a month after he got out over an argument. I will never forget the day he broke up with me, the coldness and vindictiveness. He didn't want me to touch him at all like i was a plague.

Also, he has a job given to him by a family member but i know its not a job h is proud of and its not giving him the amount of money that he needs to get the finer things in life in which he wants. I dont know where he would go but he has support from his family. I see your perspective and many have told me the same thing about me being lucky. I just cant wait for the day that i truly realize it and it doesnt hurt.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I mean he may be in-capable of loving. It's very different to say words, when locked up, he was what, 16 when we went into a boys home, or gaol thereafter or gaol full stop not sure due to that age. 16.

Okay, so now this poses a question for you to consider. He may never have even had sex, or did for a year or two most, that's it in his whole entire life.

Imagine that? How could that affect him mentally now presented with the opportunity to have it every day?

Then, forgive me, but something "may" have happened to him also in gaol if you know what I mean. You will never know, he would never disclose something like that.

Sit back and read the above. I'll give you closure. It's not you, it's him... seriously.. He was 16 when he went to gaol. No life skills, no relationship skills, no realtionships at all really on a mature level. How is he meant to understand them?

How if you don't mind did you come about writing to him and entering into a relationship after he'd been in gaol for 8 years?

[rubyrage21]

He has talked about his sexual conquests before he was locked up but maybe something did happen to him while he was in prison. Almost all of my friends and family think he might be gay because he didnt really spend that much time with me intimately. Which is wierd for someone who was locked up for 10 years. I came about writing him because i went to elementary and midde school with him. He was my first crush. I knew of him but didnt really know him personally. After he moved i never saw him again. 13 years later, i asked his cousin about him and thats how i found out his situation. I felt so bad for him that i wanted to write and see how he was doing, it was completely platonic, and thats where it started.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know it's a bit like internet dating

You fall for a "character" we can write very well via paper whether it's via the net, or sent to someone.. In person is a completeley different thing, tongue tied, don't speak the same anymore as they did in writing..

And, emotions so come into play "poor him/her" when we hear stories. This is why so many women end up having affairs as the man does the "poor me" .. And, then they fall for them.

His situation and as he was your first crush made you feel for him and fall for him.

He could be gay, he may really have never had conquests, he certainly never had much communication as far as on-going relationships go.. He's 26 and is now free after 10 years when he was just a kid, not a man.. He is not capable in my opinion sweet.

Don't worry about closure.. You have it really, 10 years in jail, like I said, it's not you ... So get on with your life you are 25 don't waste anymore of your time, that "guy" is out there for you.

[rubyrage21]

Thank you and i am doing just that, just waiting for all the pain to go away

[jns]

ruby, I have done a similar thing in my life as far as visiting someone serving time in jail, but I had no illusion about it becoming romantic. I did it because I felt that she needed a way to connect to the outside, that all of society had not abandoned her. A friend of mine who was her friend took me along on a few visits. Then I took to visiting several times a month. I was also able to do it because I was not in any relationship. I was also under no illusion about her changing her ways in the short term.

We all would like to think we can change the world at least in a small way. Sometimes we can, mostly we cannot. Its time to go on to something else.

[rubyrage21]

ruby, I have done a similar thing in my life as far as visiting someone serving time in jail, but I had no illusion about it becoming romantic. I did it because I felt that she needed a way to connect to the outside, that all of society had not abandoned her. A friend of mine who was her friend took me along on a few visits. Then I took to visiting several times a month. I was also able to do it because I was not in any relationship. I was also under no illusion about her changing her ways in the short term.

We all would like to think we can change the world at least in a small way. Sometimes we can, mostly we cannot. Its time to go on to something else.

I wasnt trying to change or save him, because i didnt see anything to my dislike in the persona he had created for himself. This whole situation completely blindsided me. its not just the break up that hurts, its the way he treated me like i was nothing that hurt more than the break up. he has severed all ties with me and thats the hardest pill to swallow because i didnt do anything to him and he didnt care enough to tell me why he is acting like this towards me. His family who used to smile in my face turned on me too and that added to the pain because i had developed a bond with them (i thought) They saw how he treated me the day he broke up with me, and they said nothing.

[KMonte85]

His family's reaction towards you should give you some insight into why he could be so cold to you as well. He learned from the best. He probably grew up in an environment where he was taught that people can be used and tossed aside like playthings.

You should be blindsided, that's good thing. It means you have love and loyalty in your heart, and couldn't fathom doing something like that to another person, especially one you've bonded with. That makes you a good person. And them? Not so much.

[rubyrage21]

His family's reaction towards you should give you some insight into why he could be so cold to you as well. He learned from the best. He probably grew up in an environment where he was taught that people can be used and tossed aside like playthings.

You should be blindsided, that's good thing. It means you have love and loyalty in your heart, and couldn't fathom doing something like that to another person, especially one you've bonded with. That makes you a good person. And them? Not so much.

I agree. They were not very receptive to me in the beginning. I reached out to them because i knew how much it meant to him and by they weren't very nice to me. I thought that once i was accepted by them that they truly were genuine to wards me but that was not the case. They are very phony people and unfortunately i had to find out the hard way. I know that everyone on the outside can see the bigger brighter picture and i cant wait for the day that i can see it from the outside as well.