[wishy0uwerehere]

i know its early to be worrying about this, but i know money is the biggest issue in relationships. i have been with my boyfriend for four months, and we are both hoping that it will turn into something serious in the future. hes the best/most fitting boyfriend ive had, and he feels the same about me. anyway, we got onto the topic of money the other day. unfortunately we see it very differently. he is 27, a teacher, and makes 52,000 a year. he also has a painting business on the side that brings in a few thousand every summer and he is hoping to expand that and make even more. point is, he is and will continue to be doing very well. i just graduated from college and am looking to break into the television production world, which is difficult and not well-paid in my area. i am never going to make as much money as him, but i hope to be making around 40,000 by the time im 30. he wants us to both be doing well so we can be able to live nicely and have money to spend if we get married. eventually he wants to live on the water, be able to go out to dinner often, etc. i am the opposite. i like to live below my means...i would be happy in a small house and i dont feel the need to go out to dinner or out partying often. this is how i was raised and i dont see myself ever changing. i just wonder what happens if you marry someone who views money so differently...he likes to spend and i like to save. is that a recipe for disaster, or do things have a way of working themselves out when youre married?

[jns]

Generally one point of view or the other will prevail. Why don't you compromise? He gets to spend his excess funds on things for both of you and you get to save your excess funds for the both of you. He is happy about both of you enjoying life a bit and you are happy about providing security for both of you. When it comes time to buy a house and you can borrow on the nest egg you created, both of you can pay the loan and interest back. Agree not to seize the other's excess funds.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My Fiance and I earn "ok" monies, off course we have debts as well but we always try to have a date night, at least every two weeks if we can, out for dinner or lunch, it's important and he sounds like a sociable person but grounded to a degree. If he likes to socialise but you like to stay home, there may be some issues. There is nothing wrong with going out for dinner and conversing about the week, your day, life, anything and enjoying the taste of different foods.

Be careful as well though. Making a comment of suggestion that you always have to work to make money so that you both can lead a lifestlye that he dreams of with a woman included off course, doesn't leave room for kids. Have you talked about children? Also, remember 4 months isn't long like you know. So, it is usual for partners to look for good compatibility but also compromise on that as they fall head over heals and know that the person they are with is the one. And, that is the key of it all.

How you are bought up does make you but like JNS stated, compromise is also a very important tool for communication and a successful relationship.

[Stillness]

No, things do not just work out because you get married. As you said, money conflicts can be a recipe for disaster. And it sounds like it's not just money, but differences in what you want as far as a social life. It doesn't sound like deal-breaking stuff to me, though. No two people are going to ever be exactly the same. I think it's cool that you both seem like you're thinking about and planning for the future. You both sound like hard workers that have the potential to save and build together. That makes you seem like a good fit. You say he's a spender, but if he wants a lake house he'd have to save for that.

One of the things that may help is a savings plan that jns alluded to. If he's a public school teacher in the US he'll have access to a pretax plan - TSA/403b. Some private/charter schools have 401k's. The nice thing about those if he's on the spendy side is that the $ goes into the plan before it ever touches his check. He may already be doing this and you're just unaware. He may even be unaware of what he's doing. (I do retirement planning for public school educators for a living and 4/5 of my clients don't have a clue about their retirement and what they're saving into before I sit down with them). But I do find that teachers are pretty conscientious about doing something to save.

If he doesn't work for a public school or a school that that has a pretax plan you both can still set up contributions to your retirement plan (IRA/Roth IRA) that come directly out of your bank account. Oftentimes you can set it up to draft on pay day so the money is gone before you spend it. That way you know that whatever you all spend, something has gone into your savings.

On the social stuff, maybe you can do some of it with him and some of it he can do by himself. How much companionship do you both need? If he isn't with you every single evening or if you aren't by his side at every event, can you two tolerate it?

I think it's cool that you all are talking and thinking about this stuff. A lot of people don't. Now you just have to follow through and make sure you come to an understanding before you take the plunge.

[Hugo-B]

This guy sounds quite ambitious, money motivated, and DRIVEN to achieve these things. At least he's a doer not a talker.

You should not have to compromise and deviate from your goals so that you may compliment his. And if you do get this break into TV he may well be earning a lot more than him! I remember when I met my ex, she was crying (on one of many occasions) because her finances were in such a mess, I was helping her sort them out (to my detriment) and remember telling her life was like a game of 'no limit texas hold 'em' poker because fortunes could change so rapidly. People at 'the top' don't always stay there, and determined people can rarely be kept at 'the bottom' for too long either. After a couple of months she got a new job and more than doubled her annual salary overnight.

I don't see why your BF should have a problem unless you're literally expecting money from him. If you are financially independent and aren't asking him for money then there shouldn't be any 'tangles' or 'mix ups'. If you get to the house buying stage and all of that one option would be to spilt the mortgage 75%/25% so you pay and subsequently own 25% of the house and aren't over-exerting yourself financially. That's just an example of course.

[Little]

It doesn't sound like he's thinking of being a mutual contributing partner, but rather hoping to double his income with a wife so he has plenty to spend. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. But that's my impression.
I absolutely agree with Stillness - money problems don't disappear just because you're married, or just because you love each other, or just because of anything else. There are compromises that can be made, but it could be that you are simply finding your incompatibility with this man. It doesn't make him bad, it doesn't make you bad, you may just not jive together.