[whiteblanket]

Hello all,

I have never done anything like this but since I cannot talk to anyone in my life about it, I am trying another option.

Basically my boyfriend and I were together nearly a year and a half when I broke it off. He had cheated on me once in the past that I knew of, but had come clean about it (oral, no sex). I came to the realization we at least needed a break if we were ever going to work out in the long run, yet, we still remain very close friends. Last night, however, I found emails (yes I know I shouldn't be snooping) that were from last October when we were together - this was also around the same time he told me he had cheated. They were emails through craigslist in the personal ads. He replied to one that was looking for a threesome partner, then also had a very long conversation about meeting up with a guy to give mutual head. Then, the worst I found was some during Christmas time looking for girls when he was out of town. While, I support him being bi-curious, I don't support that he was trying to cheat on me again. There are a lot of details I am leaving out to conceal his/my identity but the bottom line is that I feel like I need to bring up what I found to him. We still both love each other dearly and I am totally supportive and want to be there for him if he is trying to explore his sexuality. I truly just feel bad he is going through this and I want him to have someone there to talk to. I want to talk to him about it and for him to be honest with me, but I also don't want my emotions of him trying to cheat with other women to get in the way. He really is a great guy, I just think he is very confused I also don't know if he is just bi-curious or bi-sexual. He is a serious athlete so I feel like he would never be able to come out of the closet. Help?

[lcj14]

I'm surprised you're even capable of considering him to be a great guy when he cheated on you... Because it sounds like he was also attempting to cheat on you with other women, not just exploring with men.
If you really want to talk to him about it then I suggest you might as well. He's hurt you before, so if I were you I wouldn't be super concerned with potentially hurting him. Based on what you're saying if I had to guess I would say he is bisexual.
If you're worried about him being confused and alone then you should talk to him. It might turn out to be very helpful for him in the long run. It is definitely harder for male athletes to come out. But I do know of players who are openly gay in "manly" sports such as rugby.

[BabyGirl]

There is no simple answer to this .
But ..

1) Ask him, straight out... " Are You Bi~ Curious , into Swapping, into 3 some's" ?

2) Let him know you Love him,even if he is Gay or Bi ,that you will always Love him for who he is .

3) Can you live with the possibility that he may want Another or Others for Sexual or Emotional Relationships
( non Family of Course ) .

4) If you are Sexually Active with him, can you be assured you will always be protected from STD s and Aids ?

5) Where do you see yourself 3 years from now ?
Happily married with Kids,Living with the one you Love, who looks only to you for Sexual Dedication .
Worrying and Wondering and Snooping in emails because you are unsure ?

You were Friends before,were together,broke up,Still Very Close Friends.. You say He Cheated on you.That must have Hurt allot !
Now,exactly where are you in the Relationship ?
Friends, Lovers ?
Are you planning on a lifetime with him ? If So ...
A Lifetime in the Romantic way or just the Lifetime of Love ?

It's not a simple answer, it's a list of, What is best for you Both ?
Try writing down what you have said here, on a small list. Straight up start the " Talk ", Use Love and Compassion and Understanding, Within this Conversation.

100% .. Admit you were going thru things on the Comp/Phone Smart Phone . Whatever you use.
From October of Last year , Cleaning it out, looking for Virus's, Spam Protection.
And you found the sites and you are wondering if it is still going on or is it a continuing interest of his ?

(oral, no sex).

Oral is SEX, it's not Penetration into a Vagina or Anus.
But it is considered ( these days ) SEX .

You came here already Knowing some of the Answers you are seeking .
I'm just an Older Lady (58) Mom type that have kids in late 30's thru mid 20's . So I do understand that things change, Love Changes in some ways .
But it is time to Differentiate what kind of Love you have for Him and he for you ?

[Alex HPS]

I don't mean to sound harsh but he's a cheat and you are a snoop. You might be perfect for each other.

Personally if I found out my woman had been snooping on me I would remove her from my life. I have no time for toxic people - it's only of my golden rules for stress-free living

Anyway, so he wants to explore a little. What makes you think he needs or wants your help? As a straight woman, just how much relevant experience do you think you bring to the table?

I get the feeling that you are projecting your own feelings onto his situation. He might be perfectly happy walking down his current path alone.

And he chatted to a guy on the internet about some mutual consensual sex. Big deal. I've never done it myself but for all we know it was a private fantasy of his that he never followed up. Maybe just talking to the other guy about it was enough to convince him that it truly wasn't for him. You briniging it up might only serve to embarrass your friend.

Bring it up my all means - after all, he has a right to know that you are spying on him - but don't expect it to lead to warm hugs and hand-holding.

BTW, I don't think you could ever have a relationship with this guy again. You obviously don't trust him and rightly so. He may be a 'great guy' to you but he clearly doesn't respect you enough to be faithful.

That's my opinion.

Alex

[Pollon]

Whiteblanket,

You have some very interesting definitions for "love" and "great guy." In addition, it sounds like, as Alex pointed out, you are conflating your needs and his. Let me explain:

Probably because you would want it, you assume that he needs some emotional support for his explorations. His attempts and success at setting up what are basically anonymous sexual encounters with complete strangers suggest he is perfectly content to go it alone (with no emotional content or support whatsoever). On top of that, he does this secretly with what seems to be total disregard for the effect on you. That doesn't suggest that he loves you "dearly." Is suggests complete selfish indulgence. He must have some good qualities, but I fail to see how the "great guy" label got attached to him.

That having sex with men behind your back is somehow OK, but that sex with other women is unacceptable seems a rather weak attempt to protect yourself from accepting that you were not particularly important to him.

Your desire to accompany him through his bi/gay explorations is more about your need to keep the illusion of a mutually caring relationship going rather than accepting the possibility that it was never really all that you thought it was. Be honest, if said he wanted to have you support him through "exploration" with other women, would you be so keen do it? And so concerned about his confusion?

Good luck