[azalea]

Hello friends,

I posted a few months ago about having a crush on another guy, even though I'm in a relationship. I know that normally crushes in relationships are a sign that the relationship is failing, but I don't think that's the case. I adore my boyfriend, he is nothing but kind, supportive, loving and and thoughtful. I think that many women in less-fortunate relationships would envy me for having a gentle and kind partner. We are content living together and never fight. However, I feel like we're less interested in flirting, playing, sex and fun than we used to be... but I love him profoundly and hope to be with him for as long as possible.

Despite all that... I have a crush on my best friend. I HATE that I feel this way. I started feeling attracted to him last year, and I ignored it because I thought it was a meaningless, fleeting crush. It continued, but I still ignored it, because I thought I could defeat it if I just didn't think about him. However, it's been growing ever since, to the point that I have trouble getting him off my mind. I haven't talked with my boyfriend about it, because I honestly don't believe it's a threat to him. I have no intention of leaving him, and have every intention of remaining faithful. But I still feel burdened by the "emotional" infidelity... the fact that I dream of another guy in my sleep, and I have no control over it. I want to stop thinking about him that way. I just want him to be my best friend, to hang out with, to trust, to talk to, to have fun with. I don't want these romantic feelings, and I don't know how to stop them. I don't know who to turn to for help.

My best friend is really lonely. For some reason, he just continually fails to find a girl. I've told him about how attractive I think he is, and about how I have confidence in him in finding someone soon, but he doubts himself. In my mind, he is very attractive; intelligent, funny, wise, talented, vibrant. But he struggles with loneliness and lack of companionship daily. It pains me to see someone I care about so much feel so unloved. I can't tell you how badly I wish I could hold him when he is hurt, and tell him he is wonderful, and that my heart yearns for him... but instead, I just have to wait until the day that a girl comes along and loves him. It will hurt inside, but I really want it for him. He deserves every ounce of love a girl could possibly give him, and I hope that she will come along soon, and love him kindly and tenderly. But if a girl comes along and abuses him, hurts him, takes advantage of him... I will probably cry and feel devastated inside. I can only hope that he finds his way. I so badly want the best for him. I want him to be happy and loved.

I can't help but feel drawn to him. We have a lot of fun when we're together, and in some ways, we joke, play, and laugh more than my boyfriend and I do. We connect more profoundly on some frequencies, and can share feelings about our personal ambitions, struggles, goals and insecurities. Sometimes I feel like I'm in love with him... and these feelings really worry me. I can't will them away, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I have a kindered spirit in him, and I love him for it.

I guess what I'm asking is: How do you let go of your feelings for someone, without letting go of the person? I don't want to lose my best friend. This isn't a question of which guy I should choose, because I know I want to be with my boyfriend. If I lost my boyfriend, I think I would always miss him. I love my boyfriend deeply and want to be with him, and I also want to keep my best friend (just without the romantic feelings). I know this will all pass in time... I just wish I knew how to make it easier in the meantime. What should I do?

Thank you for reading and your kind responses. I really appreciate your support.

[jns]

I think in this case you are drawn to him because you want to be protective of him. At least some of what you feel for him is tied up in wanting to show him how good a love relationship can be. Of course, the feeling of something missing in the relationship you have with your bf is also part of it.

I think you may get rid of your romantic interest in your best friend when you either heat up your relationship with your bf or move on from it to another relationship (if that turns out to be in the cards). You can also help to fade it by getting your best friend in a relationship with a great match for him. To do that you have to be selfless.

[azalea]

I think in this case you are drawn to him because you want to be protective of him. At least some of what you feel for him is tied up in wanting to show him how good a love relationship can be. Of course, the feeling of something missing in the relationship you have with your bf is also part of it.

I think you may get rid of your romantic interest in your best friend when you either heat up your relationship with your bf or move on from it to another relationship (if that turns out to be in the cards). You can also help to fade it by getting your best friend in a relationship with a great match for him. To do that you have to be selfless.

Thank you! I think you're very right... part of my feelings are because I feel protective of him. We were friends for a year or so before I started having feelings for him, and he would often come to my boyfriend and I for relationship advice. But slowly over time, as more and more of his attractive qualities come out and we become closer friends, I can't help feeling drawn to him. It pains me to think of the loneliness he feels when he goes home alone, and I know it burdens him daily, and I just don't get why he's alone.

I think it will help me immensely when he finds a girlfriend, it will help me let go, but it will also be relieving to see him happy. Part of his problem is he really doesn't know or meet any girls. I am trying to help him build the confidence to consider dating sites, or maybe joining me for some meet-up outings so we can meet friends (and hopefully girls.) He doesn't feel confident about his attractiveness, he thinks that girls just have no interest in him, although I always try to assure him otherwise. He is afraid of rejection and doesn't put himself in a position where he will meet many girls. Unfortunately, I don't know many girls either, otherwise I would introduce him to trusted friends of mine. I would love him help him find a match, I think that would be a victory for both of us.

On that note... any advice on playing matchmaker for a friend? ;]

[lcj14]

I didn't take the time to view other responses so if I repeat something that has already been said by someone else.
You mentioned that you and your boyfriend aren't as playful and such, yet it sounds like you and your friend are so it isn't a surprise that you're drawn to him. It is really important to still take the time to flirt and play around with your current boyfriend! A relationship will slowly and surely die if there is no fun. I have been with my boyfriend for over five years (I'm only 21 so I would say this is pretty impressive haha) and I know one reason why we still work so well is that we still take the time to be playful. It is important to make sure that you and your current boyfriend don't become too complacent with your relationship. Relationships can't last if the participants aren't actively participating, if that makes sense? I don't really know how to help you suppress your feelings other than suggesting that you try to spend more quality time with your current boyfriend. Have a date night regularly or something. And maybe just spend a little less time with your friend, and maybe try to keep the more intimate talks between you and your boyfriend instead of you and your friend. Now that doesn't mean you have to stop being there for him, but it is probably best that if you feel the need to talk about something you should talk to your boyfriend about it first? Hope this helps!

[azalea]

And maybe just spend a little less time with your friend, and maybe try to keep the more intimate talks between you and your boyfriend instead of you and your friend. Now that doesn't mean you have to stop being there for him, but it is probably best that if you feel the need to talk about something you should talk to your boyfriend about it first? Hope this helps!

Thank you, you're right. I think the reason I sometimes share less with my boyfriend is because he feels that it's his personal responsibility to keep me happy... so if I express any kind of sadness, he feels like it's his fault. I'm constantly trying to explain to him that there are things that affect my happiness that only I have control over, but it still makes him upset and makes him feel like he's failed. I know he means well and he wants me to be happy, and he wants to do everything he can to make me happy, but I can't convince him that it's not his fault when I'm unhappy. My best friend doesn't take it so personally because he doesn't feel like he's solely responsible for my happiness, so we can talk about it easier. He also shares a lot of similar emotional problems when it comes to creativity, motivation, etc, that my boyfriend doesn't relate to quite as well. Of course my boyfriend knows me better than anyone in the world, and there are way more intimate things that my boyfriend knows about me than my best friend, but I feel like I can relate better to one or the other on different things.

My boyfriend and I have a couple mini vacations planned soon, so hopefully that's a chance for playing and flirting :] I guess it's easy to forget when you're just in a routine day-in and day-out.

[Rhonda14]

Thank you, you're right. I think the reason I sometimes share less with my boyfriend is because he feels that it's his personal responsibility to keep me happy... so if I express any kind of sadness, he feels like it's his fault. I'm constantly trying to explain to him that there are things that affect my happiness that only I have control over, but it still makes him upset and makes him feel like he's failed. I know he means well and he wants me to be happy, and he wants to do everything he can to make me happy, but I can't convince him that it's not his fault when I'm unhappy. My best friend doesn't take it so personally because he doesn't feel like he's solely responsible for my happiness, so we can talk about it easier. He also shares a lot of similar emotional problems when it comes to creativity, motivation, etc, that my boyfriend doesn't relate to quite as well. Of course my boyfriend knows me better than anyone in the world, and there are way more intimate things that my boyfriend knows about me than my best friend, but I feel like I can relate better to one or the other on different things.

My boyfriend and I have a couple mini vacations planned soon, so hopefully that's a chance for playing and flirting :] I guess it's easy to forget when you're just in a routine day-in and day-out.

It is easy to forget when you have been with someone for a long time but you have to remember to feed your relationship. Send him a random text during the day when you have time. Write him a sweet love note and leave it on his pillow.

[Pollon]

I think you are playing with fire here. You have a deep, strong emotional connection with an attractive guy who is lonely. It sounds to me like you spend time alone together and have to fight off the urge to hug him. You've also told him that you find him attractive. It is only a matter of time (and maybe a drink or two) before this gets physical. You may not initiate it, but you sound like you would have a very difficult time resisting it.

On top of that, you are keeping it all from your boyfriend. Would you let him read what you've written here? And how would you react if your boyfriend was writing this about his female best friend?

Add to that your non-committal statement, "hope to be with him for as long as possible.", and you are about to put the match to the fuel.

As much as you want to believe you are helping him, your close relationship could be reducing his motivation to seek out someone else or get help. Has he expressed his feelings for you? He may well be waiting--consciously or unconsciously-- for things with your boyfriend to deteriorate.

What you are doing is disrespectful to your boyfriend and your relationship with him. That he doesn't seem to be bothered is irrelevant--at least for this discussion. You are placing your relationship in danger. I suggest you honestly evaluate what you get out of continuing to be your friend's savior because it is never fully altruistic. I'm sure you are familiar with the white knight syndrome and it's female cousin the Florence Knightingale syndrome. If not, you might do a little research.

IMO, if you genuinely want to stay with your boyfriend AND help your friend, refer him for some professional help and pull back. Stop investing ourself in his loneliness and relationship issues. As you become less involved with his situation, your romantic feelings should subside. You may also come to realize that you are probably idealizing his attractiveness. There is a reason he is struggling with women. They can sense something wrong and don't want to play the White Knight for him.

With your reclaimed emotional energy, you could liven things up with your boyfriend.

Good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Relationships are there to be tested. Though I hate to say it's like a job, it is. In-other-words it takes a lot of work to maintain, to get stronger/better and easy to go backwards or fall into a friends zone.

Your boyfriend for all you know could be your soul mate, no arguements, a lovely guy but you are craving and missing components of a relationship that sounds as if you had those at the beginning. So, someone else is offering some of those components perhaps un-be-known to him, and so you have a crush. It's pretty normal.

Look at the things that you like about this other guy that you feel is missing and re-create them with your boyfriend. All of a sudden you will see your boyfriend as you did when you met him and wonder about the other guy.

It takes work.

[azalea]

It sounds to me like you spend time alone together and have to fight off the urge to hug him. You've also told him that you find him attractive. It is only a matter of time (and maybe a drink or two) before this gets physical. You may not initiate it, but you sound like you would have a very difficult time resisting it.

...

As much as you want to believe you are helping him, your close relationship could be reducing his motivation to seek out someone else or get help. Has he expressed his feelings for you? He may well be waiting--consciously or unconsciously-- for things with your boyfriend to deteriorate.

What you are doing is disrespectful to your boyfriend and your relationship with him. That he doesn't seem to be bothered is irrelevant--at least for this discussion. You are placing your relationship in danger. I suggest you honestly evaluate what you get out of continuing to be your friend's savior because it is never fully altruistic. I'm sure you are familiar with the white knight syndrome and it's female cousin the Florence Knightingale syndrome. If not, you might do a little research.
Good luck

Lots of wise words, Pollon, thank you. My friend and I have been drunk together a couple times, but it never gets uncomfortable; maybe more hugs than usual, but fortunately even at my most drunk, I still have more self control than than to let it escalate. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't have any feelings for me, and I'm grateful for that, because I think then it would be REALLY tough to remain friends if it was mutual.

I do wonder why he has trouble with girls, whether it's because they see something I miss, or because when he's around dating prospects, he gets nervous and falls apart. He never saw me as a dating candidate, so he's always acted as a friend around me. I've never heard of Florence Knightingale syndrome, I'll look that up. Thank you!

[amy37]

That's a tough one.

You may have to distance yourself from your friend for a while and spend more time with your boyfriend. Don't rely on yourself given the current situation to be your friend's only support, let his other friends support him in this time.

With that being said, it may help you to get his friends to support him more. Do you have any mutual friends?