[Adviser]

Hi all,

Let me tell you a bit about my situation.
I have been in a relationship for two years, and believe he is the one. I love him, and we are planning to get married.

So our relationship is great, but something happened in my past that I cannot tell him!

I had a crush on this boy when I was 17, and we spoke and dated a few times. I had known him for years, and my mum worked with his mum. They went to our church, before we moved away. One day I went to his house and we were messing around, and we got to the point where he was wanting sex. I had never had it before. I was a bit unsure, but we carried on kissing etc. Then he put a condom on and I said no I didn't want to, but he then pentrated me in the anus. It hurt so much! I said no, kept saying no, kept twisting away. He stopped, and then I got dressed and left. I have never seen him alone since that day, only around school. However, he spread among his year group that we had slept together and several people questioned me about it. The more I protested, the more they didn't believe me. I gave up.

I just want to forget it, and believe that there is no point telling my boyfriend, it would only torment him.

The boy has now grown up, and has apologised to me. Since I had 5 years to move on, I forgave him, and he is happy with someone in a long term relationship. I have no desire to go public with this, it would bring up unnecessary things and would upset my family.

Do you think it is alright for me to keep this secret? It is the only secret we have from each other, and I know I can do it. It would not help us at all, and I believe two years on is too late to come clean, it would cause trust problems as well.

He is the only person I have had intercourse with, the only person I ever want to. I regret deeply letting things go so far with this boy. I was pressured by my year group, and felt embarassed being a virgin.

What do you think?

[rcoreyus]

Two different things here. Your "messing around" with this other boy was your choice - but you were young and it was a long time ago, I don't see any reason you should tell your boyfriend about this. I don't see how it will help anything. My suggestion would be to say nothing, but to "owe" him one mistake. Forgive him if he screws up sometime. (one screw-up, not a free ride for the rest of your relationship).

The other part - this other boy raped you. He forced you to have anal sex when you had told him you didn't want to. You are in no way responsible for that - this is his crime entirely. 5 years later I don't think there is anything practical you can do about it. You have chosen to forgive him, which is your right, but not something you needed to do.

[Ashlee T.]

You were not dating this man when the rape happened. You do not owe your current boyfriend an apology or any sort of explanation for something that very unfortunately happened to you in the past. For that matter, you don't owe anyone any explanation for things that happened in your past. You are who you are NOW, in this moment, and that is truly the only thing that matters.

Perhaps I misunderstood your response, RC, but I don't see why she would "owe" her boyfriend a mistake? She was not with him when this happened to her, and I'd be willing to guess there are things her boyfriend has done in his lifetime that he hasn't shared with her.

[Little]

You don't have to explain to anybody that you were sexually assaulted as a teenager. Not to your boyfriend, not to your parents, not to your doctor, not to your friends. It was a traumatic experience and you should be able to decide when and WHETHER to relive it verbally.

I'm curious as to why you think this would cause trust issues with your boyfriend, and also why you're not characterizing this experience as sexual assault or rape. Understand that you have a long life ahead of you, and if you get married to your boyfriend, a long life together with him. Committing to NEVER EVER tell him about this experience may be unreasonable and cause you pain or stress. It might be helpful to decide not to purposefully inform him, but to stay open to telling him in the future if it ever comes up.

I find it important to inform my long-term partners that I am a rape survivor. It has affected me deeply and despite mostly resolving my emotions and similarly forgiving the perpetrator, I will carry emotional scars from it forever. Most partners have found it helpful exposition of why sex is sometimes difficult for me. Some have responded less favorably, especially choosing to question my forgiveness, which is particularly infuriating. The more likely a man was to react poorly, the less likely I was to tell him (or continue a sexual relationship with him.) Just like a physical scar can continue to burn, itch, hurt, and heal for years and years, so can the effects of sexual assault. If telling your boyfriend isn't going to help YOU move on and heal, don't feel obligated to do it.

[Adviser]

I have never told anyone about it, and I don't want to. I know it is sexual assault.

"It might be helpful to decide not to purposefully inform him, but to stay open to telling him in the future if it ever comes up."

This is a good idea, I think this would be less stressful on me, especially if we are going to spend our lives together, as I hope we will!

I have felt disgusted with myself, ashamed and weak, and felt incredible anger. Forgiving him has helped me let go a lot of those emotions, but from time to time, I get a shiver run through me, feelings of dread and shame. I feel I will always get these feelings from time to time.

He is so important to me. I know he would react well, but I just don't want him to know about it. Telling him would make it something between us, and would make it harder for me to forget and move on!

Is this a betrayal of trust, as I have told him everything else about myself? He said he has told me everything, and I believe him, he is awful at lying!

[amy37]

Adviser,

according to your story, you don't want him to put it in your vagina after he put the condom on. You didn't clearify if you gave him permission to attempt to put it in your anus. If you didn't then that's rape. Alot of times victims will have feelings of guilt and blame themselves over being victimized. Did you or didn't you give him permission to put it in your anus?

[Adviser]

I definitely did not give him permission to put it in my anus! I do blame myself for putting myself in that situation where he could do it, but told him to stop many times, so yes, it was sexual assault.

[Little]

Is this a betrayal of trust, as I have told him everything else about myself? He said he has told me everything, and I believe him, he is awful at lying!

I don't see this as a betrayal of trust. In the event that you, sometime down the line, tell him about this experience, it would be honest to say that you could not bring yourself to share it with him previously. I sympathize. It's one thing to think it, even type it, especially anonymously on the internet. But it's hard to get it out of my mouth. People are too weird and varied in their reactions and it's not good for my mental health to be subjected to their judgment, even when I'm many years removed from my active healing process and even more years removed from the event.

[rcoreyus]

Sorry, I misunderstood the timeline. I had assumed that she "messed around" with this other man WHILE she was dating her boyfriend. Now that I look at the timeline I see that this happened years earlier. She owes her boyfriend absolutely nothing - what anyone does when they are not in a committed relationship is entirely their own business.

Sorry for the misunderstanding. It didn't even occur to me that she would post this if it had not happened while she was in a realtionship.

You were not dating this man when the rape happened. You do not owe your current boyfriend an apology or any sort of explanation for something that very unfortunately happened to you in the past. For that matter, you don't owe anyone any explanation for things that happened in your past. You are who you are NOW, in this moment, and that is truly the only thing that matters.

Perhaps I misunderstood your response, RC, but I don't see why she would "owe" her boyfriend a mistake? She was not with him when this happened to her, and I'd be willing to guess there are things her boyfriend has done in his lifetime that he hasn't shared with her.

[rcoreyus]

Now that I understand the timeline, let me be clear on my opinion: What anyone does outside of a committed relationship is entirely their own business. They can tell, or not tell future partners as they see fit. I do not think anyone should judge their partner for things they did before the relationship started.

You had every right to "mess around" with this other boy. If you had wished, you had every right to have sex with him. You decided not to and he forced you anyway - that is assault. In absolutely no way your fault. Whether you decide to tell anyone is up to you, but I hope no one would in any way judge you badly for this.

Again my apology for my earlier comment, I misunderstood the timeline.