[Adviser]

Sorry, I misunderstood the timeline. I had assumed that she "messed around" with this other man WHILE she was dating her boyfriend. Now that I look at the timeline I see that this happened years earlier. She owes her boyfriend absolutely nothing - what anyone does when they are not in a committed relationship is entirely their own business.

Sorry for the misunderstanding. It didn't even occur to me that she would post this if it had not happened while she was in a realtionship.

Sorry! I should have clarified this! I got together with my current boyfriend when I was 20, and I am now nearly 23. This happened when I was 17.

The reason I posted was that this is something I have kept from him, and wanted advice on whether I should tell him, whether it is a betrayal of trust if I don't.

It is something I have never told anyone, until I posted on here.

[Adviser]

I don't see this as a betrayal of trust. In the event that you, sometime down the line, tell him about this experience, it would be honest to say that you could not bring yourself to share it with him previously. I sympathize. It's one thing to think it, even type it, especially anonymously on the internet. But it's hard to get it out of my mouth. People are too weird and varied in their reactions and it's not good for my mental health to be subjected to their judgment, even when I'm many years removed from my active healing process and even more years removed from the event.

Thank you, Little. Your advice is really helpful, and it is so relieving to talk to someone who has gone through something similar.
The long distance also doesn't help, as when we see each other in person we want to make the most of it, and it is not a conversation for the phone! In a few years, when we live together/are married, then the right time may come along where I feel comfortable enough to talk about it.

[Claret]

It is not a betrayal of his trust. He didn't know you at the time. You didn't know him at the time, you made no promises. I also think that sometimes we tell things we shouldn't in the mistaken belief that we'll have someone to share our shame, our confusion, our vulnerability -- but it doesn't always work out that way. We can be led to a greater sense of shame, confusion and vulnerability if (and it could happen) the current relationship goes sour. I'm not suggesting your boyfriend will or would do this, only that it is a possibility that he could try to use this information to hurt you at some point in the future. You could be raped twice. One in fact and once in insinuations.

[azalea]

I know how it is to feel ashamed of things that happened in your past. You were assaulted and I am sorry that you carry the trauma of that with you, but as rcoreyus said, it's his crime. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to share these experiences with your boyfriend, but there is nothing wrong with keeping them to yourself. Everyone has feelings and regrets that they keep in the backs of their minds and want to forget about, and sometimes it feels like you can never get far enough away from it, but there is no fault in keeping them to yourself.

The things that you have been involved with emotionally, physically, sexually etc before your boyfriend do not harm him. You are in no way disloyal or less committed to him because of people you were involved with in the past. Some people have extreme problems with jealousy where they get upset about things their partners have done in the past, but if that WERE the case with your boyfriend, then that would be his failing and not yours.

Personally, I had some family issues when I was young that I prefer not to tell anyone about, even my boyfriend. My screaming and fighting parents are something that I try to keep in the back of my mind.

[Adviser]

Thank you everybody for all your help. I feel so much better having shared this! Your advice is very welcome and much appreciated.

[BabyGirl]

As it has been said, that was your past, long before you met your new Love.

I also have been Raped, Anally and Vaginally. This was when I was 9 thru the age of 13. The only time I ever told a man I was with about it is when he suggested anal sex. I would say Absolutely NO . If I was asked why, or he said "you may like it" ? I would then simply inform him that I was raped Anally when I was young, I did Not like it then and in no way will ever like it .

If I was asked why I hadn't mentioned it before,(which I was only once ), I simply said that I had buried it in the past and that it was a traumatic memory I chose not to Drag up and Dwell on. That I had moved on and have grown from the Trauma and can have a "Normal" Vaginal Sex life.

If a man persisted and said " it would be different with me ". I then ended the relationship. Based on the fact that he could not respect my feelings, would not take No as my answer, I felt I was being pressured to do something I did not want to ever do. I felt he was selfish and uncaring about my traumatic rape and therefore could not truly love me if he persisted to try and make me do it.

So my advise is to hold off saying anything, until and if the issue must be brought up. Hopefully it never will have to be brought up, but if it does, he hopefully will understand your feelings and that you have pushed this back in your mind and that is partially why you have never said anything . It is something Traumatic, that has nothing to do with him and you, it has to do with your past and you chose to not rehash it and not to keep it forefront in your mind .

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Alot of things happened to a lot of girls, when they/we were too young to understand danger, or too nieve. When, we thought that kissing was safe, yet it wasn't. How else do we learn? Grow? Mature? Yet how horrible a statement is that, when we should be safe and no should mean no.

I am glad you forgave him, as he I bet, in apologising and in maturing realised the hurt he caused, perhaps not just to you. It is him that has closure, you have a fair amount of it, but I understand it stays with us to a degree and especially when you fall in love, you feel the need to tell, as you don't want to have any secrets.

But, what is a secret? Are we not allowed to make choices in life, of what we as a person want to tell someone and what we as a person choose to keep to ourselves isn't it our life? Our choice? Yes it is.

This "secret" is not keeping something from him at all. It is not something that affects your relationship, unless you allow it to sexually, emotionally.. If you have found yourself and it is not affecting your relationship, I see no need to bring up something that you don't wish to discuss, you are not with-holding information from him, rather you had a horrible experience that you choose to not discuss with anyone. That is your right.

I think you are right if he knew, he would be ok with it. He would be livid, it would hurt him, he would want to find this guy, he would feel pain for you. And, when you look at it like that, why give that to someone?

The only reason I feel you should ever tell him and I get " If I marry they should know everything" I tried that and it backfired on me, my now fiance, we discuss some things but not all, as past is past and we appreciate that, especially at our age But, the only reason would be if it affects your relationship. Then I would suggest councelling to understand that it was not your fault, no does mean no, forgiveness needs to be total, not partial so you can move on and leave it where it belongs in the past.

Having someone you love, is bringing it back again.

No.

It is the past sweet, leave it there.. Enjoy your life, your love and congratulations for being in love and knowing it.

[Element]

Not informing him you were assaulted is not lying. Unless he asks you; "have you ever been raped?" and you say no, then technically that is a lie. Otherwise, it's you not sharing information that you do not wish to share. And considering the weight of the situation, you aren't obligated to tell him anything about it if you don't want to.

I do suggest you two speaking of what sexual acts are on the table for you two. This way there are no regretful surprises while in bed.

Not everything that happened before you two knew each other needs to be explained and re-lived. He knows who you are now, the person he is with and loves.

[Adviser]

I feel like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Your advice has been invaluable. I feel like I can truly leave this in the past, and be happy now. I still feel guilt and shame sometimes, but that is normal. I will never be able to forget it completely. Reading some people's situations on here, I have found perspective, and just hope I can help others like you have all helped me.

Thank you all, so much!

[amy37]

Then adviser, you were a victim of rape,

And I want to encourage you that it was not your fault. I think you need to take your time with this, and tell him when you feel it's right. Don't feel pressured into telling him because you feel you have to.

Regardless of every woman's experience in life, I believe they should never be pressured into doing anything sexually.

Keeping this secret would hurt your relationship with your current boyfriend, as I believe that lovers shouldn't have any secrets and should be supportive towards each other no matter what. But in your timing, when you feel ready, you should tell him. Don't feel pressured to.

Best of wishes.