[Rflook]

Hi,

Might be a bit odd me posting on here but I need a women's opinion on something, and I'd be grateful for honest opinions, no hopeful, romanticised comments please.

So I have been dating a girl for a short term. Things were going brilliantly, we both clearly felt attracted to each other and we both said that things just felt right around each other with both of us being able to tell each other anything. I hadn't felt like this about a girl since I met my ex wife about ten years ago, and I know how special that feeling is.

We had a date last week and we both opened up about our pasts, and I (stupidly in retrospect) told her in a past relationship had cheated on someone. I told her (and this is the gods honest truth) that I didn't like what it did to me, the way it made me feel and the person it made me become. Because of that I know in my heart I could never do it again and despite having the opportunity to many times since then, I always walked away from the temptation.

The next day she dumps me, stating that she thought it was great I was open with her but she now sees me in a different light. I get her on the phone and find out that it was because I had cheated in the past and she had it happen to her, and what I said to her was too close to the bone. I tried to explain that I knew I could never do it again, I know that in my heart of hearts. But it wasn't enough, it seemed like she had made a snap judgement and that was that. She did tell me to call her sometime and if I ever wanted to go out for a walk to get in touch, as much as I wanted to believe this was an olive branch I think she might have just said it to try to make me feel better.

So I guess I have a few questions:

1) should I even bother trying with her, I was thinking of getting in touch with her in a few weeks if I still feel the same (i know myself so probably will) to see if she wanted to meet up
2) is this a common reaction, if it is should I just hide this part of my past in future

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So I have been dating a girl for a short term.

That and temptation the use of the word.

In my opinion, the problem with telling anyone something deep about yourself, at such a "short term" into the relationship will cause issues and for the most part, un-resolvable.

When things are going well, the idea is to strengthen that, get to know each other more and more so that if there has to be a judgement call, say 12 months down the track, they know you well enough to "believe" you... At such a short term, they don't and so, they will work on their semi-broken heart and walk.

The word "temptation" When I read that, honestly, " I always walk away from temptation" is telling me that you were tempted but walked.

For a woman whom has been cheated on, hearing that, will just walk because you are also stating that you get tempted. She doesn't want to take the risk..

Unfortunately, a lot of women still believe "once a cheater always a cheater" but I think the key for you is to not tell this to someone who you are just getting to know them, I admire you for your honesty, that is also critical in a relationship, not saying something is not being a lier or dis-honest, there is a thing called, time and place I think.

What was the reason why you cheated. Perhaps you can use this to have one final attempt to salvage this relationship, take her for a walk and discuss is, as Adults.

Whilst you explained it to her, she wants to believe. Perhaps you can work further on how to re-discuss it in such a way that she will give you a chance...

[Claret]

She took what you were saying to heart - you cheated. This is a lot to take in especially if (in the beginning of a relationship) everything we learn about the other person should be wonderful and great. You've shattered her illusions of you. Honesty in a relationship is a must, but you have to know when to divulge certain truths about yourself. You have to know how to tell and how to tell what you learned from that experience. You have to know the other person's reaction to what you are about to say and finally you have to know and have ready all the counter-arguments that could be brought up.
She's hurting right now. The past infidelity by an ex and now your infidelity to your ex have all added up. Give her time to assimilate what you've said. Give yourself time to win her back. If she is the person you want to spend a lot of time with, go for those walks, take her out for coffee on a Sunday afternoon, call her up just to talk about everyday things, your day, her day. Send her a funny card in the mail. BUT don't do it all at once -- space things out --and then see if she is warming up. If she is ask her out on a date. You can discuss the issues further down the road if you two become a serious couple.

[Rflook]

She took what you were saying to heart - you cheated. This is a lot to take in especially if (in the beginning of a relationship) everything we learn about the other person should be wonderful and great. You've shattered her illusions of you. Honesty in a relationship is a must, but you have to know when to divulge certain truths about yourself. You have to know how to tell and how to tell what you learned from that experience. You have to know the other person's reaction to what you are about to say and finally you have to know and have ready all the counter-arguments that could be brought up.
She's hurting right now. The past infidelity by an ex and now your infidelity to your ex have all added up. Give her time to assimilate what you've said. Give yourself time to win her back. If she is the person you want to spend a lot of time with, go for those walks, take her out for coffee on a Sunday afternoon, call her up just to talk about everyday things, your day, her day. Send her a funny card in the mail. BUT don't do it all at once -- space things out --and then see if she is warming up. If she is ask her out on a date. You can discuss the issues further down the road if you two become a serious couple.

I know, I honestly felt like punching myself in the face when I realised that was the problem. I must have seriously let my guard down, unfortunately I have come out of it hurting really really badly. I have never asked this question of woman before, is it true that you make a lot of your decisions with your 'gut' and that once it is made it is borderline impossible to change?

[jns]

Ask yourself this: if the roles were reversed and you were dating with a purpose (were serious), would you take a chance on someone who had cheated instead of cutting your losses and moving on?

[Rflook]

Ask yourself this: if the roles were reversed and you were dating with a purpose (were serious), would you take a chance on someone who had cheated instead of cutting your losses and moving on?

Honestly it wouldn't bother me. I have had it done to me in the past and then dated someone who had cheated on a previous partner, it's not about what they have done in the past, it's about what they do to me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But then, you did it to someone.

See how the relaxed stance on this takes you into it yourself?

I am all for being a free spirit. But, there comes a time where you have to think of someone else... People that cheat can not possibly love the person they are with, or are in a very weak moment of pain over something that happened, call it revenge and it also depends on age.

I am a believer of "walk away" if you feel like cheating, don't do it to that person.

She obviously is of the same thought pattern.. Too much pain, and so she's walked away from you.

If you told her what you just wrote then? That it's happened to you as well, that you've had a partner that cheated on someone else and that neither bothered you, you'd lose badly... This woman sounds like a "good woman" that just wants to be loved, whilst in that relationship, un-conditionally and without fear. Do you feel that really, that is the way all people should be treated?

I understand it hurts to have lost this lady. For something you hadn't done to "her" .. But, in her eyes, you've done it, you could do it again and she's ensuring her heart is not broken twice.

This is the way "some" women think.. Other's not. They will give you a chance.

Yes, we most definitely go with "gut" feeling. Though a lot of women settle, they feel it but try anyway and they are the ones that usually get hurt as the red flags were there to start with.

She's protecting her heart. I don't think you can change her thought pattern.

[Rflook]

But then, you did it to someone.
People that cheat can not possibly love the person they are with, or are in a very weak moment of pain over something that happened, call it revenge and it also depends on age.

When I cheated I was in a lot of pain, suffering from depression, confusion and a whole bunch of other issues at the time, my girlfriend couldn't relate to that and I was looking for an escape, something I could control. Some people over eat, some people cut themselves, some people take drugs or drink. Me I cheated. I don't think it's right that I did, I don't abide by it and it makes me sick to think about how I broke my own moral code.

If you told her what you just wrote then? That it's happened to you as well, that you've had a partner that cheated on someone else and that neither bothered you

Ok so saying it didn't bother me was a bit flippant, but I was willing to give her the chance - she didn't cheat on me, so I gave it a shot and while it didn't work out, it wasn't because she cheated on me.

, This woman sounds like a "good woman" that just wants to be loved, whilst in that relationship, un-conditionally and without fear. Do you feel that really, that is the way all people should be treated?

I do feel that and I do respect that and yes she is a good woman, which is why I wanted to get to know her better. I agree with you, it is the way people should be treated, I have learn't from my mistakes and only wanted a chance to prove myself to her. Maybe that is why I am hurting from this, I feel like I have been punished for something which was in my past and can't be changed, no matter how much I want it to be different. I also find it hard to open my heart to people and with her it was easy, but I guess if you open your heart you also open it to pain.

She's protecting her heart. I don't think you can change her thought pattern.

That was my fear, gutted as I really did like her and honestly had no intention of hurting her, people can learn from their mistakes but I fear that this experience might be consigned to histories painful lessons.

[spacecadet]

How old is she?

I might be assuming, but she sounds young.

How old are you?

There's nothing wrong with making mistakes in the past. I understand if she was traumatized, but she has to get over it and understand that each situation is different.

It sucks though, especially because you seem to really be into her (the fact that you went into a women's forum and registered and all). At this point in her life she has issues. Issues she has to resolve.

Another perspective: She may have gotten advise from the wrong person. Someone who doesn't like you, or someone who's trying to date her. If this is the case, then she is weak (at the moment) and has a lot of things to resolve before moving forward in a new relationship.

This is a classic case of "It's not you, it's me..." -- so don't feel so bad about it. It's really not you. It's her.

[time2discover]

At one point in your replies you mention you had no intention of hurting her. I'm also sure
you had no intention of hurting anyone when you cheated! The point is it happened and having lived it I can understand her reaction. It's basically a trust issue. Someone who's
been cheated on starts to question every little thing always expecting the worst and it's hell
always doubting the other. That's probably one of the reasons it scared her off. Whether you can fix it is gonna be how you can get her trust back, which is not so easy in such an early stage of the relationship since she doesn't really know you that well.
If you're willing to try, be patient, and show her your true self. Good luck!