[starrynightz45]

I met this guy at grad school a year ago. We were friends only, until he asked for my number this May. On our 2nd date, he asked if I was just dating casually, or looking for a relationship. I said I was a relationship type of person. He said "yea, I just take a little while to get there and make up my mind about that sort of thing." I said I understood, and that we should go out and get to know one another because it was too early anyways. At that point, I THOUGHT he meant he took a while to decide whether he wanted a relationship with ME, but I guess he really meant it took him a while to decide whether he wanted a relationship IN GENERAL with anyone. So that, I think, was a miscommunication. Anyways..

We've been on a total of 5 dates now, which I thought all went well. We laughed/joked the entire time, had GREAT conversation, and seemed to hit it off. He was constantly hugging me, holding my hand, opening doors, putting his arm around me, etc. He came off as a gentleman, and there was no sex involved - just making out/kissing etc. At one point, he even invited me over to his house, but told me beforehand that he was not intending to try for sex, he just thought it would be fun to stay in. He was true to his word - we had dinner in his kitchen under candlelight, and cuddled and watched movies. We talked/texted daily as well. One instance - he seemed hesitant to go out saying "Would you like to go to the movie today or do you want to leave it for some other day" and he sounded sort of unenthusiastic, but maybe I'm just being sensitive. We ended up going out, and I'm positive we both had a great time. That was the last date.

Today, he called me and said he wanted to talk to me. He said "I told you I needed some time to think about it. Well, I feel like if we keep going as we are, that what you want is a relationship and I don't know if I can commit to anything. So before things go any further, I wanted to talk to you. I DO LIKE YOU as more than a friend, and I will always...(he trailed off, paused, then changed his sentence)...and I really enjoying spending time with you, and I got you a birthday present (I had mentioned that my birthday was in 2 MONTHS), but I don't want to be selfish by leading you on. And you may feel like I have wronged you..." I was shocked just because things were going so well - so all I could get out without crying was "Oh. Ok, that's fine. Well I wish you had told me this earlier, but ok." He responded "well yea I was just trying to figure it out."

Do you think this was just a nice way of saying "I don't want a relationship with YOU" or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn't want a relationship/want to commit? Note: We're both 24. I'm just curious - it's hard for me to understand because we had such a good time together, he bought me a gift 2 months early, called/texted every single day, and clearly wasn't just in it for the sex, and overall things were good. What do I do now?

[Emswifty]

Hi Starry,
Sounds to me like he's looking for the benefits of a relationship without having to commit. Like he wants to leave his options open, keep dating you but has a viable 'I told you we weren't committed' if he does anything or starts to date someone else.
It's now your call if you're happy with this. You mentioned you were a relationship kind of person so I would maybe think not? I would consider just being friends with this guy if you have fun hanging out but find a guy who can see how special you are and that he needs you all to himself and treat you right.
Just my thoughts and I hope that this helps (and doesn't sound harsh!)
Em

[rcoreyus]

It sounds like he is being honest that he doesn't really know what he wants right now and doesn't want to get too deep into a relationship. I wouldn't wait for him to change his mind. He sounds like a really nice guy, but if he doesn't want a permanent relationship now, that really is his choice.

[jns]

Many people are afraid of commitment. It is somewhat understandable. What if I cannot keep up my part of the bargain? What if I change? What if my partner changes? Am I good enough? What if we can't live together? What if we fight? Etc., etc., etc. I think he is scared of committing to anyone. It's scary for some to jump into a relationship with both feet.

If I was you I would keep on pursuing him while reassuring him and helping him see that you two will overcome any obstacles together.

[lissy73]

He's 24 maybe he just thinks he is too young for a relationship and wants to have fun for a few more years before settling down. Perfectly normal. As much as it sucks and hurts I can understand his reasoning.

[starrynightz45]

He's 24 maybe he just thinks he is too young for a relationship and wants to have fun for a few more years before settling down. Perfectly normal. As much as it sucks and hurts I can understand his reasoning.

Yea, this makes sense to me. So what should I do? He hasn't contacted me at all since the phone call and I don't want to look desperate. He did tell me that he got me a birthday present and said he hoped I would go to his art show. While I don't intend to go, I was wondering if it would be a good idea to send him a text on Saturday telling him I can't make it, that I wish him good luck, and that I will try my best to make the next one if he lets me know about it.

Good idea or not?

[lissy73]

Honestly i'd leave him and not contact him at all. You'll soon find out if he wants you or not as most guys love the chase, contacting him doesn't keep him guessing in any way. Try and keep busy and if your up to it try and get out and meet/date other people.

There is nothing more attractive to guys than the girl that they just can't get lol

[pluck77]

I would have to agree with lissy. Unfortunately men can tell us women that they aren't sure if they are looking for a relationship, yet they keep on spending quality time with us, one on one, and keep being affectionate. They can hold us, comfort us, kiss us, etc., which does not sound to us women that they are still trying to see if they want a committed relationship with us. What men don't understand is that a woman's heart is one of the most sensitive things to us and while we try our hardest to protect it from being hurt, the minute we give it away by becoming emotionally and physically involved with a man, we lose that control. Men can easily move from relationship to relationship, while us women can more easily have lasting ramifications of a break up. When an emotional bond that we have with a man is broken, it can take us a long time to get through it.

My advice is to take some time for yourself to work on those emotional wounds before moving on. Once you have and feel emotionally secure enough to start dating again, I would start doing things with other guys. If he doesn't see what he lost, then the guy is an idiot and it is ultimately his loss.

[Obelisk]

He's 24 maybe he just thinks he is too young for a relationship and wants to have fun for a few more years before settling down. Perfectly normal. As much as it sucks and hurts I can understand his reasoning.

I don't. When I was 19, I would have loved to find a girl that would me mine for the rest of my life, and have "fun" with only her, and share each other's knowledge and experiences together.

This whole business of "having fun in your 20's and then settling down in your 30's" is seriously ruining society IMO.