[clearwater]

I just started dating a guy seven weeks ago. He's very good looking and I am told I am too but for some reason I am really insecure with him. He trusts me completely but I have trust issues with men and he knows this and is being patient and understanding about it since the relationship is so new. I'm 44, he's 36. He goes out to the bars once or twice a week with his guy friends. I haven't been out to the bars yet with my girlfriends as it's just not something I do on a regular basis. And my belief is that going out to bars without your partner isn't good for a relationship. It just invites trouble in my mind. He says it's just going out with the guys for beers and bonding and that all guys need that. I agree that both men and women need time away from the person they're dating to hang out with their friends and do their own thing. I just want to get some advice from others as to whether I'm being irrational here. He says he can't control if women talk to or hit on him or if men do the same to me when I go out. He says the only thing we can control is how we handle that situation and that he would tell a woman that he isn't interested and is dating someone. I want to believe him but I've been cheated on and lied to by every guy I've ever dated so trusting him is hard. He seems to be honest and I haven't caught him in any lies yet and he does always let me know where he's going and what he's doing. So he's very open about everything. I just have all these thoughts that go through my mind when I know he's out and getting drunk. He says if a guy is happy at home there is no reason for him to stray no matter how hot a girl is that might hit on him. Thoughts?????

[KMonte85]

I think you're being a bit insecure in this situation, particularly when you're only less than 2 months into dating and telling him he can no longer enjoy his past time with his friends as he's done for what I can only assume is quite a long stint.

Don't punish your new guy for the wrongdoings of past lovers. He has done nothing to you and has consistently shown you thus far that he's a responsible, honest man worthy of your time and attention. He also isn't a bar fly, he just enjoys going out with his guys and having a couple of beers.

In my experience and opinion, you can NEVER stop a person from cheating in you by controlling their free time and monitoring them. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater, whether they go to the bar with the guys once a week, 2x's a week, every day, or never.

The time and energy wasted on making sure you don't get cheated on is actually pretty detrimental to a healthy relationship. That energy is better spent being a good significant other and developing a relationship based on mutual respect, love and trust so there's no reason for the person to cheat in the first place.

[clearwater]

Thanks KMonte, great advice. I would never try to tell him not to hang out with his friends. I do know that the more you try to control someone the more they pull away. So I in no way want him to stop doing things with his friends. And you are very correct. I'm going through a lot of insecurity right now with him He is recently separated from his wife of 12 years. Has moved out and says he is getting things in order so he can file for divorce in the next couple of months. So there is always the risk there that he could go back to her although he assures me that's just not an option or he wouldn't have moved out. He's starting to do things she never allowed him to do such as move into a home with pool. He just bought a motorcycle, put a movie room in his house, all these fun toys that he wasn't able to have because she didn't want him to. And I think it's great that he's able to feel alive again and have some fun that he hasn't been having.

Of course with that I've told him it makes sense to me that he would want to get out in the dating pool and have fun dating around since he's out of prison so to speak. But he tells me that we have 90% in common and our beliefs are the same and pretty much everything we talk about we have in common and the sex is great. So he says that he could spend time going out and dating a bunch of women only to find some might have 50% of what I do and then what drama do they bring to the table. So he says he's happy dating just me even though I would think most men would be dying to get out there and hoop it up. He doesn't seem to care about doing that. And I think that's one thing that keeps me anxious is the worry of him all of a sudden wanting to do that. He tells me I worry too much and think too much and that I need to think positive and have confidence in us like he does. And I guess he's right. I really need to up my confidence and be secure in myself and see in me what he does. I just don't know how to get there. :-(

[Stillness]

Some people are just cheaters. It doesn't matter what's going on at home, they're just not going to be satisfied. I think that kind of person is looking for the thrill of the chase and new relationships.

Other types will be faithful even in a very troubled relationship.

Beauty of either party has very little to do with it. Look at all the "Hollywood" relationships that fall apart and suffer from infidelity.

All men are not liars and cheaters, so I my opinion you need to figure out why every man you've ever dated is. That means asking some hard questions of yourself.

I'm not trying to discourage you about your beauty, because that's something you can't control. But if you are exceptionally pretty, men who are into the excitement of hunting the most beautiful women may be more drawn to you as opposed to men who have more depth of character and are looking for the same thing in a woman. I don't know, but it's a thought. I hope that you're wrong about your guy, but if you're not, you might ironically have to work harder than an average-looking woman to snag a man that's got some good stuff going on inside. Some of that work may be internal in terms of your own expectations and some may be just in doing things that will attract a decent guy, and not a "conqueror".

[clearwater]

Stillness what do you mean by you hope I'm wrong about my guy? Wrong about which part exactly? I asked him why he picked me out of all the women that I knew were after him and he said I was hot, had substance and I was myself. He said me just being me is what drew him to me and tells me not to sell myself short. That I deserve the best and I shouldn't settle for anything less than that. So he does try to build me up when I have my down moments. I just know that men find high self-esteem and confidence attractive in a woman and I want that back because I have no reason not to be.

After dating for two weeks he told me he trusted me completely. He said he normally wouldn't do that but he can tell the person I am that I'm genuine and that he can trust me. I want THAT VERY THING for him because he deserves that too. I'm just so fearful of trusting again and then find out I'm getting played yet another time. He is probably the healthiest relationship I could ever have and I definitely want to do what I can to give him the same chance he's giving me. He doesn't question me excessively, ask who is texting me or give me any crap if I go to a concert with a girlfriend. He's just so happy for me no matter what I go do and that's an awesome feeling. And I want to give that same feeling back to him. But I'm afraid it would mean me letting down all my walls and just giving him absolute blind trust in every situation which is something I swore I would never do again. But it would be great to be free of this burden I carry everyday of my mind coming up with scenarios of what's going on and the mistrust. To be normal with my thoughts would be awesome!!!! :-)

[clearwater]

One more thing Stillness, you said some people will be faithful even in an unhappy relationship. That's exactly what he told me too was that he hardly had sex with his wife for the last couple of years, sometimes 8 months at a time and even though he was miserable he would never cheat. He told me yesterday that if he didn't cheat on her then he's sure not going to cheat on me, in a relationship where he IS happy and getting his needs fulfilled.

[WatchmansMoon]

It's important for men to maintain their guy friendships, and if they go meet at a bar like they always have, it may be wise of you to encourage him to continue. If it really bothers you still, maybe there's some other activity he does with his friends that you can encourage him in instead?

[Stillness]

I meant that I hope your fears about him being out are wrong. He sounds somewhat faithful, although he is having a sexual relationship with you while he's married. I know that everyone has different views of marriage, but to me that's not the greatest indicator of fidelity. "I'm going to divorce her in a few months" is the oldest line in the book.

I hope everything works out.

[Claret]

I don't mean to offend here, but you did say you were 44 is that correct? In reading what you are writing it's like I'm reading the thoughts of a 17 yo or something, new to dating, new to relationships young girl. In the greater scheme of things, looks don't matter all the time, I've seen some very un-attractive persons being with extremely attractive partners. I've seen some very tall persons with very short persons. Why would you have a complete conversation (so early yet) on why he was attracted to you? At 44 I would expect some maturity going into this relationship and so far I'm not seeing much from you. I see more in his statement that you cited that " He says the only thing we can control is how we handle that situation..." That reflects a mature thought process.
Have you ever thought that perhaps the reason he is attracted to you is because as an older woman, you could be seen to be more mature, more confident and more self-assured that other younger less experienced women? It may very well be that this type of self confidence is the most attractive feature that drew him to you? If you undermine that self-confidence you will surely push him away.
Think about it, give him the space and the time, that the man needs.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I haven't caught him in any lies yet

I think you have to immediately stop thinking like this. "yet" means you are expecting.

Why do people cheat? Because they can. Because they are not ready for a lifetime commitment, because they should not even be in a relationship...

But as we mature, it becomes a bit different. People are looking for commitment but also fun, and also a great relationship in all facets they know what they are after, what they have been through, will or won't accept.

Your new partner I am sure knows that if he cheats he's out. Simple. Make it that simple...

Then honestly, stop looking for it. You are putting obstacles in the way and not allowing this blossoming relationship to go down the natural path which is months of bliss and happiness, lust and craziness. Don't turn it into a full blown, you can't do anything that might make you cheat or else honestly, he will constantly be having to reassure you instead of enjoying the journey with you and turning it into something stronger.

Just be strong - if any one ever cheats on you again, they are out, you deserve better tell yourself and anyone else the same. I am sure they will hear it loud and clear